dir. Stephen Shimek
How to even describe Guardians of Time? Four cousins enter a magical kingdom. They conveniently find four pieces of medallion scattered right nearby and fit it together. They soon meet a friendly alien. Then they’re attacked by an evil rhinoceros. But it’s okay, because a tiny dinosaur comes to save them. There are magical time-controlling crystals, a sage warrior who speaks entirely in convoluted exposition, a dragon woman, and a potential chronological disaster fuelled entirely by the bitterness of a ten-year-old. Throughout, not a single character is remotely fazed by their bizarre situation. Instead, some characters spontaneously have a makeover, while another ages herself up a few years for no apparent reason at all. That’s all not to mention the awkward characterisation (“Theo has a photographic memory!” is conveniently uttered during the climactic scene), the overwritten musical score which refuses to ever shut up, and the fact the characters almost never look like they’re actually there due to the shockingly poor CGI. The movie’s villain appears in a painting in the cousins’ family manor, which isn’t really explained – instead we just periodically see their grandfather looking knowingly at clocks. And, after a barrage of events which make no sense, the ending somehow makes even less sense. There’s the odd pleasant surprise, like an unexpected hero-turned-villain, in more ways than one. But overall, Guardians of Time feels like someone had a meandering fever dream which they immediately decided had to be made into a movie. It is ridiculous, it is terrible, it is baffling, it is inconceivable, and it’s so so so much fun.
BMDb 