That Awkward Moment (2014)

dir. Tom Gormican That Awkward Moment follows Jason (Zac Efron), a smug chronic bachelor who has his world turned upside-down when he meets his very own manic pixie dream girl, Ellie (Imogen Poots). It’s about as clichéd as every single other male-led rom-com in the world, except That Awkward Moment‘s desperation to distinguish itself isContinue reading “That Awkward Moment (2014)”

Shark Tale (2004)

dir. Vicky Jenson, Bibo Bergeron, Rob Letterman As an animated underwater adventure with talking fish, Shark Tale was very obviously DreamWorks’ attempt at Finding Nemo. Yet to draw any further comparison between the two would be insulting to Pixar’s masterful craft. Where Finding Nemo is magnificently animated with immersive seascapes and compellingly lively characters, SharkContinue reading “Shark Tale (2004)”

After We Collided (2020)

dir. Roger Kumble After ends on our star-crossed lovers reuniting. The opening of After We Collided reveals this never actually happened after all, and the star-crossed lovers did not, actually, reunite. After We Collided then goes on to recount how the star-crossed lovers did, in fact, reunite. After We Collided and indeed the whole sorryContinue reading “After We Collided (2020)”

Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale (2010)

dir. John Dunson & Sean Dunson Even the title is way off, because this story about an aspiring pop star has very few, if any, parallels with the Cinderella fairy tale. Does our plucky heroine Elle live with her evil stepmother and stepsisters? No, she lives with a man constantly referred to as “Uncle Allen”Continue reading “Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale (2010)”

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

dir. Victor Salva Easily the most terrifying thing about Jeepers Creepers is the notion that it’s meant to be taken even remotely seriously. Siblings Trish (a terrible Gina Philips) and Darry (an even worse Justin Long) find themselves stalked by a sinister supernatural entity which consumes its victim’s body parts. The plot is primarily propelledContinue reading “Jeepers Creepers (2001)”

Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

dir. Patty Jenkins Wonder Woman 1984 (WW84) doesn’t feel like it has anything even slightly to do with 2017’s Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman was a rare success for the DCEU, managing to tell a story with a compelling protagonist, strong emotional stakes, blistering action and just the right level of humour. Fundamentally, it straddled aContinue reading “Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)”

Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (1982)

dir. Çetin Inanç Popularly referred to as “Turkish Star Wars”, Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam is a baffling experience. It lifts footage from Star Wars without batting an eye, as well as its music. Music is also blithely stolen from other movies like Ben-Hur and Flash Gordon; many action sequences are set to the main theme fromContinue reading “Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (1982)”

Anastasia: Once Upon a Time (2020)

dir. Blake Harris Fox Animation Studios’ 1997 Anastasia is justifiably derided for taking a serious and significant historical event, and turning it into a dumb kids’ film complete with basic “good versus bad” dichotomy, magic spells, and animal sidekicks. But Anastasia: Once Upon a Time provides some real perspective on Fox’s efforts. The 1997 AnastasiaContinue reading “Anastasia: Once Upon a Time (2020)”

Christmas Wonderland (2018)

dir. Sean Olson There is truly nothing that can be said about Christmas Wonderland that hasn’t already been said about all the generic Hallmark Christmas films. Our heroine Heidi returns to her quaint little home town which she left behind to pursue her big city dreams – in this case, being an assistant at anContinue reading “Christmas Wonderland (2018)”

Khraniteli (1991)

dir. Natalya Serebryakova This Soviet-era adaptation of Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring aired on Soviet television once. Just once. Then it was considered lost, until almost thirty years later, when it was rediscovered and posted on YouTube for all the world to enjoy. With the caveat that the productionContinue reading “Khraniteli (1991)”

Nest of Vampires (2021)

dir. Chris Sanders Nest of Vampires follows Kit Valentine, an MI5 agent pursuing a human trafficking ring which has kidnapped his daughter. Said human trafficking ring thrives on selling young girls to Satanic cult members for some generic ritualistic butchering, for which there is apparently a large market yet barely any police investigation into beyondContinue reading “Nest of Vampires (2021)”

The Jungle Book (1994)

dir. Stephen Sommers The world is, bizarrely, saturated with live-action adaptations of The Jungle Book. This one from 1994 is technically Disney’s first live-action iteration of one of its own animated works, although it has extremely little to do with the 1967 animated adaptation. Jason Scott Lee stars as Mowgli, embarking on his very ownContinue reading “The Jungle Book (1994)”

Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale / Belle and the Beast: A Christian Romance (2007)

dir. B.J. Alexander, Brian Brough We’ve had the sulky YA version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beastly. We’ve had the shiny rom-com version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beauty and the Briefcase. Now, we get the preachy Christian version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale. InContinue reading “Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale / Belle and the Beast: A Christian Romance (2007)”

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

dir. The Wachowskis Jupiter Jones is a janitor who nearly gets killed by aliens masquerading as hospital staff but she’s rescued by Caine Wise, an intergalactic soldier who has orders to kidnap Jupiter so Titus of the royal Abrasax family can marry her, but Titus’ sister Kalique and brother Balem also want to kidnap her,Continue reading “Jupiter Ascending (2015)”

Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)

dir. Fumihiko Sori The really disappointing thing about the live-action Fullmetal Alchemist is the fact that the source material is amazing. The 2000s manga and anime series told the tragic tale of brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric with beautiful visuals, complex character development, and meticulous storyline pacing. That last one is especially crucial when youContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)”

Vampire Dog (2012)

dir. Geoff Anderson Vampire Dog is about as stupid and insane as you’d expect a film called Vampire Dog to be. Twelve-year-old Ace inherits his dead grandfather’s pet dog Fang, and swiftly discovers the canine’s supernatural abilities. He can move super fast. He can hypnotise people. He talks, in the slightly pained tones of NormContinue reading “Vampire Dog (2012)”

Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas (2018)

dir. David Winning In 2001, we were given The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, followed by its sequels in 2002 and 2003. Overall, they gave audiences an epic adventure. Well, in 2018, audiences were finally given the start of what no one demanded, the Time for X to Come Home forContinue reading “Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas (2018)”

Time for You to Come Home for Christmas (2019)

dir. Terry Ingram The second instalment of the trilogy no one ever asked for, preceded by Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas and followed by Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas. Again, this one has completely different characters and a completely different story. Someone cynical might even say these movies haveContinue reading “Time for You to Come Home for Christmas (2019)”

Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas (2020)

dir. David Winning Part three of the inexplicable trilogy of Christmas films with fundamentally nothing to do with one another, preceded by Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas and Time for You to Come Home for Christmas. In this one, Lacey Chabert plays Sarah, who’s torn away from her high-flying corporate life toContinue reading “Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas (2020)”

A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting (2020)

dir. Rachel Talalay A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting quite possibly has the most childish title of all time. Go figure – it’s a kids’ movie, following a young babysitter who goes on a magical quest to save the boy she was supposed to be looking after. He’s been kidnapped, which would pretty much renderContinue reading “A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting (2020)”

Wild Mountain Thyme (2020)

dir. John Patrick Shanley Wild Mountain Thyme got a lot of bad publicity before its release, primarily due to its performers’ terrible Irish accents as showcased in the movie trailer. The accents are certainly bad, but they’re probably the least egregious part of the entire film. This love story between neighbours Rosemary (Emily Blunt) andContinue reading “Wild Mountain Thyme (2020)”

Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (2018)

dir. Don McBrearty Anyone going into this film would assume it’s a modern take on the Jane Austen classic novel, with a Christmas twist. They would be wrong. Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe, aside from calling its protagonist “Darcy”, has basically nothing to do with Pride and Prejudice. It doesn’t even really involve very much mistletoe.Continue reading “Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (2018)”

A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (2018)

dir. Michael Robison The title is all about the protagonist’s shoe addiction, yet they seem to forget about it for massive stretches of the film. And when they remember it, the shoes she wears are so hideous that it’s hard to fathom why she’s so keen on them. In this movie, the shoes are magicalContinue reading “A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (2018)”

Love Wrecked / Temptation Island (2005)

dir. Randal Kleiser The title(s) make it sound like a hit reality TV show where bland people flirt with each other on a beach, but it’s actually a fictional rom-com film where bland people flirt with each other on a beach. Amanda Bynes and Meadow Soprano vie for the attentions of a generic pop-rock superstar.Continue reading “Love Wrecked / Temptation Island (2005)”

Monte Carlo (2011)

dir. Thomas Bezucha Three gal pals run around Monte Carlo pretending to be wealthy socialites, after it’s discovered that the generic heroine played Selena Gomez bears an uncanny likeness to a spoiled British heiress played by Selena Gomez. Inevitable hijinks ensue. It throws in a prince, because teen rom coms like to have a prince.Continue reading “Monte Carlo (2011)”

The Adventurer: The Curse of the Midas Box (2013)

dir. Jonathan Newman The Adventurer is unbelievable. It simply cannot be believed. Starring the likes of Michael Sheen, Lena Headey, Sam Neill, Keeley Hawes and Ioan Gruffudd, in 2013 it was heralded as the next Harry Potter. A heroic young man discovering magical objects and fighting nefarious forces. Based on the first of a trilogyContinue reading “The Adventurer: The Curse of the Midas Box (2013)”

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)

dir. Harald Zwart Big shock that they had to cancel the cinematic sequels they’d planned for this one. Maybe the original book series works, but this movie has absolutely no idea what it’s doing. It tries to incorporate every YA trope in the book: magic, vampires, werewolves, witches, warlocks, demons… It’s difficult to believe thereContinue reading “The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)”

Movie 43 (2013)

dir. Steven Brill, Peter Farrelly, Will Graham, Steve Carr, Griffin Dunne, James Duffy, Jonathan van Tulleken, Elizabeth Banks, Patrik Forsberg, Brett Ratner, Rusty Cundieff, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Steve Baker, Damon Escott Movie 43 is an absolute marvel. This anthology “comedy” is a genuine contender for being the worst film of all time, and notContinue reading “Movie 43 (2013)”

Ninja: Silent Assassin (1987)

dir. Godfrey Ho A Godfrey Ho masterclass. Like Ninja Terminator and a bunch of his other productions, Ho took his own film and a pre-existing film, then mashed them together and pretended there was a coherent story to be told. In trademark Ho style, the dubbing is absolutely hideous, for the English and non-English speakersContinue reading “Ninja: Silent Assassin (1987)”

The Oxford Murders (2008)

dir. Álex de la Iglesia The Oxford Murders doesn’t just think it’s smart. It thinks it’s the smartest movie ever known to humankind. It thinks no one can handle just how smart it is. Unfortunately, no matter what The Oxford Murders thinks of itself, the truth is it might be one of the stupidest filmsContinue reading “The Oxford Murders (2008)”

Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa (2002)

dir. Colin Slater A short 3D animated feature about the magic of Christmas, introducing a brand new gang of adorable kids, and starring voice acting legends such as Paige O’Hara, Jodi Benson, Nancy Cartwright and Mark Hamill. Released seven years after Toy Story, so the world’s already aware of the wonders 3D animation can achieve.Continue reading “Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa (2002)”

Red Eye (2005)

dir. Wes Craven Both Rachel McAdams and Cillian Murphy are usually consistently brilliant performers, but there’s an exception to every rule. Murphy is especially bewildering in this film – he stars as the antagonist, blackmailing Rachel McAdams’ Lisa on a plane, and by the end he’s genuinely rasping and snarling like an angry monster that’sContinue reading “Red Eye (2005)”

Red Riding Hood (2011)

dir. Catherine Hardwicke In a twist surprising no one, the director of Twilight brings us an adaptation of a fairy tale that’s supposed to be dark and brooding, but is instead just pretty goofy. So much doom and gloom, with murder and imprisonment and torture devices. But it’s hard to take the grimness fully seriouslyContinue reading “Red Riding Hood (2011)”

Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)

dir. James Hayman At first glance you’d be forgiven for thinking this was an attempt to rip off Bridesmaids, banking on the hope that people would confuse the two. But nope, because this one actually came out a year before Bridesmaids did, so there’s really no excuse for the fact it feels like a cheapContinue reading “Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)”

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

dir. Lee Harry The sheer audacity of this film has to be seen to be believed. Sure, it does the generic thing of arbitrarily centring the film around the brother of the original protagonist, who did basically nothing in Silent Night, Deadly Night. That’s fine, that’s fair. No, the absolutely shameless thing this sequel doesContinue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)”

Sydney White (2007)

dir. Joe Nussbaum Snow White, but with Amanda Bynes and some college nerds. That’s it. That’s the film. The poisoned apple is now a computer virus, and Prince Charming is now a vapid good-looking nobody who just happened to show up at the right time – although on second thoughts, perhaps that second point isContinue reading “Sydney White (2007)”

The Fanatic (2019)

dir. Fred Durst The Fanatic is kind of astounding. It stars John Travolta as an autistic man who becomes obsessed with a celebrity, to the point of stalking him. Unfortunately Travolta – and Durst – seem to believe autism is most accurately conveyed by trembling, whining, hunching your shoulders, and going out of your wayContinue reading “The Fanatic (2019)”

The Happening (2008)

dir. M. Night Shyamalan In a nutshell, this is peak Shyamalan. The entire world falls prey to a mysterious force which makes people kill themselves; when a key moment of this premise involves Mark Wahlberg speaking soothingly to a rubber plant, you know it cannot be taken remotely seriously. Everyone speaks as though they’re performingContinue reading “The Happening (2008)”

The Last Airbender (2010)

dir. M. Night Shyamalan Avatar: The Last Airbender is a truly incredible TV show. It’s marketed as a kids’ show but has tons of appeal for kids and adults alike. Fascinating characters, a complex world, an engrossing story, beautiful colours and shots, an entrancing score. It’s an incredible feat of storytelling. The best way toContinue reading “The Last Airbender (2010)”

The Last Vampire on Earth (2010)

dir. Vitaliy Versace It’s vampire cosplay filmed on someone’s Nokia 7650. Give or take. Released a couple years after Twilight while the franchise was still going strong, it’s clear the creators wanted to get in on the vampire-centric melodrama. Including such subtleties as the pale and brooding love interest being a haematology student, the filmContinue reading “The Last Vampire on Earth (2010)”

The Little Panda Fighter (2008)

dir. Michelle Gabriel A Video Brinquedo classic, totally unabashed about ripping off Kung Fu Panda. It was even released at the same time to try and bamboozle audiences into confusing the two. Sadly, about four seconds into the amateur animation and stilted dialogue will inform any half-awake viewer that neither DreamWorks nor Jack Black wentContinue reading “The Little Panda Fighter (2008)”

The Ramen Girl (2008)

dir. Robert Allan Ackerman Brittany Murphy was a uniquely talented actor, and she certainly tries her very best in The Ramen Girl. Sadly, she’s the only consistently good thing about it. The rest of the movie mostly revolves around how mystical and spiritual Japanese people are, so Brittany Murphy’s Abby is able to heal herselfContinue reading “The Ramen Girl (2008)”

Theodore Rex (1996)

dir. Jonathan Betuel What the absolute hell even is Theodore Rex? People in this reality actually sat down together and thought, “I know what’d make a great blockbuster – Whoopi Goldberg teaming up with an animatronic dinosaur to fight crime”? The result is exactly as bewildering and surreal as it sounds. Goldberg’s valiant attempts toContinue reading “Theodore Rex (1996)”

Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000)

dir. Rakesh Roshan Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai is one of those Bollywood movies that they seemingly made up as they went. He’s a musician! She has a new car! They’re on a boat! They’re stuck on a desert island! He’s… dead? But it’s okay, because his exact lookalike lives in New Zealand and seamlessly stepsContinue reading “Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000)”

Twilight (2008)

dir. Catherine Hardwicke Ah, where it all began! The beautiful and insightful Bella Swan, who permanently looks like she’s going to be sick and sometimes arbitrarily falls on her ass. The brooding and charismatic Edward Cullen, who ostensibly slaps on some clown make-up every morning and fervently believes a diet of animal blood makes youContinue reading “Twilight (2008)”

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

dir. Chris Weitz Poor lovesick Bella. She spends a good deal of this film sitting sadly on a chair, while the camera spins around her and captions flash up telling us what month it is. It shows she’s depressed. Get it? All because one of the Cullens almost attacks Bella because he’s driven mad byContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)”

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

dir. David Slade Also known as “Insipid Love Triangle: The Movie”. The most forgettable of the Twilight films, no matter how eager Taylor Lautner is to take his shirt off. The most egregious thing of all is, while he’s undeniably a pathetic, clingy, hollow shell of a figure, Jacob is still about forty million timesContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)”

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)

dir. Bill Condon In which we’re forced to ponder the most pressing questions of Bella and Edward’s universe: if vampires don’t have blood, how do they get erections? Do they have hormones? How can the undead create life? How do the male vampires even have sperm??? Bella’s at the ripe old age of 18 orContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)”

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

dir. Bill Condon Breaking Dawn – Part 2 can only truly be summed up as infuriating. It makes a point of messing with its audience. Of course, there’s all the general Twilight absurdity. This movie decides to dwell on ideas such as Bella’s incomprehensible beauty (conveyed by Kristen Stewart having her eyebrows coloured in darkerContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)”

Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)

dir. Stephen Susco Unfriended managed the spectacular feat of having dumb predictable characters with a dumb predictable plot, yet still being a half-decent movie, purely through innovative use of its form. Unfriended: Dark Web decides to eschew the redemption and just stick to being entirely dumb. Most of it seems to be a personal contestContinue reading “Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)”

The Adventures of Açela (2020)

dir. Özgür Dogruöz It’s beyond generous to even refer to The Adventures of Açela as a movie. It’s more a psychological battering; a foray into the depths of a troubled consciousness; the audio-visual ravings of a lunatic. Here’s a green alien. There’s a tiger. Why? No “why”. Just is. The entire thing leads to aContinue reading “The Adventures of Açela (2020)”

Little Italy (2018)

dir. Donald Petrie It’s not even Little Italy in New York. It’s set in Toronto. Okay. The confusion only escalates from there, with such madnesses to contend with as: the saga of two warring, neighbouring pizza restaurants; a septuagenarian love story; a professional chef who never cooks; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisable Italian accent; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisableContinue reading “Little Italy (2018)”

The Circle (2017)

dir. James Ponsoldt At one point in this film, Emma Watson’s character (though “character” is a strong term for someone so devoid of personality) is thrown a bunch of questions by an interviewer. The Circle tries to do the same to its audience: Is technology helpful, or dangerous? Is privacy crucial, or isolating? Unfortunately theContinue reading “The Circle (2017)”

Valentine’s Day (2010)

dir. Garry Marshall One of the Love Actually knock-offs which dares to ask the incredible question, “What if a city has a bunch of different people in it, but some of them actually know each other?” This groundbreaking premise is built upon with fleeting scenes where cut-and-paste characters waltz through the standard will-they-won’t-they clichés. There’sContinue reading “Valentine’s Day (2010)”

Water for Elephants (2011)

dir. Francis Lawrence This entire film can be summed up by listening to its music. Tiny little piano clinks and and lingering chords of muted wonder, i.e. a tepid soundtrack to match a tepid film. Profoundly ineffectual and forgettable. Even Christoph Waltz doesn’t seem to be sure of what he’s doing there, as the scriptContinue reading “Water for Elephants (2011)”

What a Girl Wants (2003)

dir. Dennie Gordon To be rich. Apparently, that’s what a girl wants. To be rich. Every single time, the lonely but good-hearted girl living a quiet life with her single mother always gets unexpectedly thrust into a life of opulence and luxury. Just once, it’d be nice if the girl finds out her long lostContinue reading “What a Girl Wants (2003)”

What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue! (2009)

dir. Everton Rodrigues, Michelle Gabriel Video Brinquedo’s nudge-nudge wink-wink, “Oh yes, that acclaimed animated movie about a flying house with ‘up’ in the title, yes we totally did that.” As well as being awkward and unfunny, it’s inexplicably offensive. The movie’s not even that long yet they still manage to throw in a whole routineContinue reading “What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue! (2009)”

What’s Your Number? (2011)

dir. Mark Mylod One of tragically numerous chick flicks where the sole intention seems to be to make all women in the universe feel bad about themselves. Had sex with multiple partners? You’re a slut! Not had much or any sex? You’re a prude! You’re in a relationship? You’re boring! You’re single? You’re pathetic! AnnaContinue reading “What’s Your Number? (2011)”

Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010)

dir. Nabwana I.G.G. In Who Killed Captain Alex‘s eternal favour, it’s obvious that everyone involved in the production had a whole lot of fun putting it together. It’s a passion project, done on a low budget purely because the crew wanted to. The action and stunts genuinely aren’t all bad. But you still can’t helpContinue reading “Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010)”

The Wicker Man (2006)

dir. Neil LaBute The original The Wicker Man has complex characters portrayed by talented actors; a subtle yet invasive sense of growing dread; and a climax of such viciously casual ruthlessness that it practically managed to redefine the whole genre of horror. This version of The Wicker Man has Nicolas Cage punching women, dressing upContinue reading “The Wicker Man (2006)”

You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)

dir. Allan Harmon The most egregious thing about it is bacon isn’t even all that heavily featured. Yes, the love interest (who looks like the brother – unsettling) owns a bacon truck. But the entire plot is hinged on persimmons. It’s all about buying the right persimmons, bacon and persimmon sandwiches, persimmons persimmons persimmons. YourContinue reading “You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)”

The Decoy Bride (2011)

dir. Sheree Folkson It is difficult to fathom what talented people like Kelly McDonald, David Tennant, Alice Eve, and Dylan Moran are doing in The Decoy Bride. They’re not acting – no one really does that in this film. The story follows a Scottish woman who stands in for a Hollywood celebrity at her wedding,Continue reading “The Decoy Bride (2011)”

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

dir. Andrew Adamson In the wake of the magnificent Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Narnia films managed to achieve none of the things that made the former such a successful adaptation. There is no spark in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; it simply meanders from event to event with no particular emotionContinue reading “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)”

ThanksKilling (2008)

dir. Jordan Downey ThanksKilling is a very difficult film to describe. It’s obviously making fun – it’s an out and proud slasher film intended to revel in the joyous extremes of the horror genre. Hence the demonic turkey who struts around swearing at people. Or the ancient book of magic that is quite obviously aContinue reading “ThanksKilling (2008)”

Tall Girl (2019)

dir. Nzingha Stewart There are many minorities and downtrodden communities who face adversity in life. Women; ethnic minorities; the LGBTQ+ community; disabled people; the elderly; the working class and others from socio-economic groups with a lower income. But did any of these people stop and consider the most persecuted community of all: tall girls? Well,Continue reading “Tall Girl (2019)”

Suicide Squad (2016)

dir. David Ayer It is beyond incredible that this was ostensibly DC Films’ attempt at “The Avengers, but antiheroes”. The sad thing is, the premise isn’t half-bad – it could have been fun watching a bunch of villains run rogue. But Suicide Squad doesn’t let anyone run rogue. For all their monologuing about how evilContinue reading “Suicide Squad (2016)”

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

dir. Rupert Sanders This movie was just a mistake. The attempt to turn something as basic as the Snow White fairy tale into a dark and gritty epic was never going to work. Some of the cinematography and framing make a decent start, with the world visually portrayed as pretty complex and intriguing – butContinue reading “Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)”

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

dir. Charles E. Sellier Jr. A shameless Christmas-themed slasher, about as overblown and pulpy as you’d expect. The protagonist suffers from PTSD due to seeing his parents get murdered on Christmas Eve when he was a kid; as an adult he despises Christmas to the extend he dresses up as Santa and kills people. Standard.Continue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)”

Showgirls (1995)

dir. Paul Verhoeven Showgirls is unbelievable. It genuinely cannot be believed. The director of Total Recall and Basic Instinct helms while Jessie from Saved by the Bell stars as a stripper falling into the seedier underbelly of Las Vegas, soundtracked by Prince songs that characters in the movie claim they wrote themselves? It just can’tContinue reading “Showgirls (1995)”

She’s Out of My League (2010)

dir. Jim Field Smith One of those films that pretends it’s all about how beauty isn’t just found in physical appearances, then spends the entire runtime scrutinising and judging people’s physical appearances. It’s a thoroughly mean-spirited story, with everyone treating each other pretty poorly. At one point, Alice Eve’s “10/10” character admits her dark secret:Continue reading “She’s Out of My League (2010)”

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D (2005)

dir. Robert Rodriguez Robert Rodriguez is not shy about the fact that this movie is based on the dreams of one of his children. A very sweet gesture, but also a sure-fire way to ensure your film makes no sense whatsoever. The main character is a boy called Max, who retreats into a world ofContinue reading “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D (2005)”

Scales: Mermaids Are Real (2017)

dir. Kevan Peterson This one is genuinely mind-blowing. In a sense it’s a typical fantasy movie for kids – an unassuming girl discovers she has magical powers. In this film, rather than a witch or a vampire slayer, it turns out she’s a mermaid. Aside from some very awkward and specific rules around how exactlyContinue reading “Scales: Mermaids Are Real (2017)”

Sex and the City 2 (2010)

dir. Michael Patrick King The Sex and the City TV series, for all its faults, was genuinely groundbreaking. It let women do, think and say things they’d seldom been allowed to on TV before, and some of the emotional beats were handled in an extremely affecting way. How sad, then, that the entire Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City 2 (2010)”

Sex and the City (2008)

dir. Michael Patrick King This film makes it abundantly clear that Sex and the City was never supposed to be in cinemas. The antics of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha were perfect for the small screen: a bit of escapism each week, a little “story of the week” while allowing for long-form arcs. Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City (2008)”

Secret Obsession (2019)

dir. Peter Sullivan Considering the “reveal” can be seen coming from miles off, the obsession perhaps isn’t quite as secret as the movie thinks. Taking its cue from stories like Before I Go to Sleep, it hinges on the protagonist suffering from bad amnesia, and therefore having to trust that the people around her areContinue reading “Secret Obsession (2019)”

Ratatoing (2007)

dir. Michelle Gabriel Video Brinquedo’s entire reason for existing is to make shameless rip-offs of successful animated movies, but this one takes it to unprecedented depths of audacity. As if the title Ratatoing was intended to do anything except trick people into thinking it’s Ratatouille. As if this one just happens, by mere coincidence, toContinue reading “Ratatoing (2007)”

Quest for Camelot (1998)

dir. Frederik Du Chau One of those movies you watch as a kid and think is basically Disney, but then you grow up, rewatch it in a fit of nostalgia, and realise it’s pure trash. The heroine Kayley sets off on a quest to retrieve the legendary sword Excalibur and restore Camelot to peace, butContinue reading “Quest for Camelot (1998)”

Retro Puppet Master (1995)

dir. David DeCoteau The seventh film in the inexplicable Puppet Master franchise, this one is noteworthy because it stars none other than Greg Sestero, i.e. Tommy’s best friend Mark in The Room. It’s quite something to watch Mark blustering around trying to get the tiny demonic puppet people to behave. It’s particularly entertaining to listenContinue reading “Retro Puppet Master (1995)”

New Year’s Eve (2011)

dir. Garry Marshall Like Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve is another film where Garry Marshall follows around a bunch of insipid nobodies in an attempt to rip off Love Actually. It’s very difficult to understand why anyone would want to rip off Love Actually to begin with, but here we are. This one really triesContinue reading “New Year’s Eve (2011)”

My Fake Fiancé (2009)

dir. Gil Junger One of those ABC Family movies that is almost entirely dependent on the premise that being single is the worst, most disgusting thing in the world. Sabrina the Teenage Witch meets Joey from Blossom during a wedding at, shock horror, the singles table. At first, they’re scathing about the opulent gifts andContinue reading “My Fake Fiancé (2009)”

Money Plane (2020)

dir. Andrew Lawrence “Hey, you know what’s interesting? Money. And you know where’s a good location? Plane.” Thus, presumably, Money Plane was born. The eponymous Money Plane is an incredibly perplexing airborne casino with no real logic to it – it’s just a casino that’s, for some reason, in the sky. People bet on illegalContinue reading “Money Plane (2020)”

Miami Connection (1987)

dir. Richard Park, Y. K. Kim Miami Connection undeniably does its damndest to furnish its audience with everything they could possibly want in an action movie, or an eighties movie in general. Ninjas? Motorcycles? Rock bands? Drug deals? A heart-warming rekindled relationship between father and son? All of this in Florida, for some reason? TheContinue reading “Miami Connection (1987)”

Mean Girls 2 (2011)

dir. Melanie Mayron By far the most egregious thing about Mean Girls 2 is its name. Tim Meadows returns as the same principal, despite the setting seemingly being an entirely different high school in an entirely different state, but besides that this movie has emphatically nothing to do with Mean Girls. Sure, they say “theContinue reading “Mean Girls 2 (2011)”

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)

dir. Ol Parker Yes, it’s the ABBA lyrics, but it’s quite something when even the movie sounds sick of itself. Here we go, again. Can’t blame it, though – the Mamma Mia! sequel is such a mess that even Meryl Streep couldn’t be coaxed into returning for more than a few seconds as a smilingContinue reading “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)”

Loqueesha (2019)

dir. Jeremy Saville Loqueesha is, frankly, disgusting. It’s just disgusting. There are no other words for it. The story follows a white man who launches a successful radio show by “pretending to be a black woman”. This means he puts on the most utterly offensive stereotypical voice, which roughly equates to him yelling obnoxiously inContinue reading “Loqueesha (2019)”

Little Bee / Abelhinhas (2009)

dir. Michelle Gabriel Obviously the reason Video Brinquedo even existed was to rip off bigger films and dupe unsuspecting viewers into thinking they were purchasing the real thing. It’s still difficult to fathom why they’d want to rip off Bee Movie, which is a terrible cheap flaming garbage fire all by itself. At least LittleContinue reading “Little Bee / Abelhinhas (2009)”

Les Misérables (2012)

dir. Tom Hooper Because of wins for Best Supporting Actress, Best Makeup and Hairstyling, and Best Sound Mixing, Les Misérables can legitimately call itself an Oscar-winning movie. It’s a real shame, because it’s really not very good. As a rule the best musicals are a bit overblown, but Tom Hooper takes this to hilarious extremes,Continue reading “Les Misérables (2012)”

Legally Blondes (2009)

dir. Savage Steve Holland Blondes, plural. Ostensibly this loosely affiliated Legally Blonde spin-off decided Elle Woods wasn’t enough, and decided to rectify this by giving us Elle Woods’ irritating twin cousins instead. Twin 1 and Twin 2 – they have names, but they’re so totally devoid of personality it makes no difference – make theContinue reading “Legally Blondes (2009)”

Left Behind (2014)

dir. Vic Armstrong Who doesn’t want an apocalyptic thriller starring the equally impactful acting forces of Nicolas Cage and Chad Michael Murray? This one involves half the people in the world suddenly disappearing, well before Thanos made the idea mainstream. The ultimate point of Left Behind is a difficult one to ascertain – the toneContinue reading “Left Behind (2014)”

Last Christmas (2019)

dir. Paul Feig It’s pretty obvious that they just said, “Let’s take a bunch of George Michael songs” and then built a movie around them, but that’s far from being the most egregious part of Last Christmas. Emilia Clarke stomps around London, destroying her friends’ possessions and putting her boss’ workplace at risk of theft.Continue reading “Last Christmas (2019)”

Knowing (2009)

dir. Alex Proyas Another excuse for Nicolas Cage to run around and grimace heavily. Knowing is an apocalyptic sci-fi drama where Cage’s professor protagonist unearths clues from a time capsule which could be predicting future disasters. As he embarks on a mission to foil the final catastrophe, the movie paints itself further and further intoContinue reading “Knowing (2009)”

The Kissing Booth 2 (2020)

dir. Vince Marcello Sequel to 2018’s The Kissing Booth and the second of a projected trilogy, The Kissing Booth 2 manages to perform the impossible and is somehow an even worse film than its predecessor. Joey King’s Elle finds her already toxic romance threatened when her boyfriend Noah moves to Harvard. To Elle’s dismay, girlsContinue reading “The Kissing Booth 2 (2020)”

The Kissing Booth (2018)

dir. Vince Marcello It’s genuinely alarming that a movie like The Kissing Booth can be made and find success in 2018. So many of the ideas are fundamentally archaic. The best friendship at the centre of the story is dependent to the point of emotional abuse, while the main character Elle’s love interest is manipulativeContinue reading “The Kissing Booth (2018)”

Jack and Jill (2011)

dir. Dennis Dugan Adam Sandler and the Happy Madison movies are quite a marvel. Adam Sandler and many of his colleagues have proven themselves to be genuinely talented actors and comedians. So it’s difficult to understand why they so frequently ignore all of their abilities and instead seemingly come together to create the absolute worstContinue reading “Jack and Jill (2011)”

Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)

dir. David Hackl Into the Grizzly Maze follows two brothers as they’re stalked by a bear. But it’s not exactly The Revenant. This movie seems to believe bears possess almost-supernatural levels of cognition, manipulation and stealth, as this particular bear constantly eludes trace or capture. Later on, it even proves itself impervious to fire. AsContinue reading “Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)”

I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)

dir. Steve Race If you took an average person and informed them that a film exists starring Ja Rule as a drug dealer who falls in love with a church-going woman, they simply would not believe you. If you informed them that Michael Madsen and Vincent Pastore i.e. Big Pussy Bonpensiero are also in theContinue reading “I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)”

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

dir. Chris Sivertson In a way, any film’s first foot forward is its title. It’s apparent quite quickly, then, that I Know Who Killed Me is pretentious, unnecessary, and makes no sense. Lindsay Lohan channels Showgirls as she pouts and lapdances while brooding over how terrible everything is. She finds herself badly injured and goesContinue reading “I Know Who Killed Me (2007)”

I Feel Pretty (2018)

dir. Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein I Feel Pretty really hinges itself on the absolute worst of Amy Schumer’s comedy. The type when all you see is a conventionally attractive white woman bemoaning how fat, ugly and weird she is. In I Feel Pretty, Schumer’s character Renee gets concussed and suddenly believes herself to be aContinue reading “I Feel Pretty (2018)”