dir. Natalya Serebryakova This Soviet-era adaptation of Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring aired on Soviet television once. Just once. Then it was considered lost, until almost thirty years later, when it was rediscovered and posted on YouTube for all the world to enjoy. With the caveat that the productionContinue reading “Khraniteli (1991)”
Author Archives: Swéta Rana
Nest of Vampires (2021)
dir. Chris Sanders Nest of Vampires follows Kit Valentine, an MI5 agent pursuing a human trafficking ring which has kidnapped his daughter. Said human trafficking ring thrives on selling young girls to Satanic cult members for some generic ritualistic butchering, for which there is apparently a large market yet barely any police investigation into beyondContinue reading “Nest of Vampires (2021)”
The Jungle Book (1994)
dir. Stephen Sommers The world is, bizarrely, saturated with live-action adaptations of The Jungle Book. This one from 1994 is technically Disney’s first live-action iteration of one of its own animated works, although it has extremely little to do with the 1967 animated adaptation. Jason Scott Lee stars as Mowgli, embarking on his very ownContinue reading “The Jungle Book (1994)”
The Host (2013)
dir. Andrew Niccol The standard line with respect to Stephenie Meyer, creator of The Twilight Saga, is that her work isn’t high art. It’s not exactly cerebral. There’s precisely no need for deep, hard thinking to understand the story of Twilight. But then again, play The Host, which is based on a novel by Meyer,Continue reading “The Host (2013)”
Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale / Belle and the Beast: A Christian Romance (2007)
dir. B.J. Alexander, Brian Brough We’ve had the sulky YA version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beastly. We’ve had the shiny rom-com version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beauty and the Briefcase. Now, we get the preachy Christian version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale. InContinue reading “Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale / Belle and the Beast: A Christian Romance (2007)”
Over Her Dead Body (2008)
dir. Jeff Lowell It claims to be a romantic comedy. A cursory glance at the poster, all bright colours and goofy faces, certainly makes it look like a romantic comedy. But how can a film like Over Her Dead Body truly be classed as a romantic comedy? A romantic comedy only needs two things: romanceContinue reading “Over Her Dead Body (2008)”
Runaway Romance (2018)
dir. Brian Herzlinger Runaway Romance‘s whole shtick is that it’s a romance set in Amish Country. A beleaguered reality TV star runs away from LA and finds herself in a quiet rural community free from the trappings of modern life. Except they all use cars. And electricity. And the internet. They’re all sort of half-AmishContinue reading “Runaway Romance (2018)”
Jupiter Ascending (2015)
dir. The Wachowskis Jupiter Jones is a janitor who nearly gets killed by aliens masquerading as hospital staff but she’s rescued by Caine Wise, an intergalactic soldier who has orders to kidnap Jupiter so Titus of the royal Abrasax family can marry her, but Titus’ sister Kalique and brother Balem also want to kidnap her,Continue reading “Jupiter Ascending (2015)”
Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)
dir. Fumihiko Sori The really disappointing thing about the live-action Fullmetal Alchemist is the fact that the source material is amazing. The 2000s manga and anime series told the tragic tale of brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric with beautiful visuals, complex character development, and meticulous storyline pacing. That last one is especially crucial when youContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)”
iBoy (2017)
dir. Adam Randall iBoy is just your average boy-meets-girl YA movie. You know: boy meets girl; girl gets gang raped by generic council block hoodlums; boy gets shot by said hoodlums resulting in shards of a smartphone being embedded in his brain; boy develops extremely confusing and inconsistent cyber-based powers and uses them to enactContinue reading “iBoy (2017)”
Vampire Dog (2012)
dir. Geoff Anderson Vampire Dog is about as stupid and insane as you’d expect a film called Vampire Dog to be. Twelve-year-old Ace inherits his dead grandfather’s pet dog Fang, and swiftly discovers the canine’s supernatural abilities. He can move super fast. He can hypnotise people. He talks, in the slightly pained tones of NormContinue reading “Vampire Dog (2012)”
Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas (2018)
dir. David Winning In 2001, we were given The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, followed by its sequels in 2002 and 2003. Overall, they gave audiences an epic adventure. Well, in 2018, audiences were finally given the start of what no one demanded, the Time for X to Come Home forContinue reading “Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas (2018)”
Time for You to Come Home for Christmas (2019)
dir. Terry Ingram The second instalment of the trilogy no one ever asked for, preceded by Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas and followed by Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas. Again, this one has completely different characters and a completely different story. Someone cynical might even say these movies haveContinue reading “Time for You to Come Home for Christmas (2019)”
Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas (2020)
dir. David Winning Part three of the inexplicable trilogy of Christmas films with fundamentally nothing to do with one another, preceded by Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas and Time for You to Come Home for Christmas. In this one, Lacey Chabert plays Sarah, who’s torn away from her high-flying corporate life toContinue reading “Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas (2020)”
A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting (2020)
dir. Rachel Talalay A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting quite possibly has the most childish title of all time. Go figure – it’s a kids’ movie, following a young babysitter who goes on a magical quest to save the boy she was supposed to be looking after. He’s been kidnapped, which would pretty much renderContinue reading “A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting (2020)”
Songbird (2020)
dir. Adam Mason For a people to think it was a good idea to take a currently unfolding tragedy, Michael Bay-ify it and present it as a legitimate film is a complete insult to everything humanity is living through. In Songbird, we’re a few years into the future and COVID-19 has mutated into COVID-23. KJContinue reading “Songbird (2020)”
The Late Bloomer (2016)
dir. Kevin Pollak The Late Bloomer is, frankly, nothing short of disturbing. The movie makes a big song and dance about how it’s based on a true story, but the parallels to reality are so loose that it completely undermines its own claim within seconds. The story follows Pete (Johnny Simmons), a sex therapist inContinue reading “The Late Bloomer (2016)”
Wild Mountain Thyme (2020)
dir. John Patrick Shanley Wild Mountain Thyme got a lot of bad publicity before its release, primarily due to its performers’ terrible Irish accents as showcased in the movie trailer. The accents are certainly bad, but they’re probably the least egregious part of the entire film. This love story between neighbours Rosemary (Emily Blunt) andContinue reading “Wild Mountain Thyme (2020)”
We Can Be Heroes (2020)
dir. Robert Rodriguez Finally! The spin-off for The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D that absolutely no one in the world ever asked for. This one manages to, inexplicably, be even worse. The movie is unabashed about its attempt to be like the Avengers, but for children – so for the majority of it,Continue reading “We Can Be Heroes (2020)”
Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (2018)
dir. Don McBrearty Anyone going into this film would assume it’s a modern take on the Jane Austen classic novel, with a Christmas twist. They would be wrong. Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe, aside from calling its protagonist “Darcy”, has basically nothing to do with Pride and Prejudice. It doesn’t even really involve very much mistletoe.Continue reading “Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (2018)”
2012 (2009)
dir. Roland Emmerich A geologist discovers the world is falling apart, due to some random nonsense that’s never explained in any way a scientist would deem valid. A novelist battles to save his family, as natural disaster after natural disaster threatens humankind with extinction. All very grave, as the movie’s ominous tagline “We were warned”Continue reading “2012 (2009)”
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
dir. Tom Green Freddy Got Fingered is very much one of those movies that loudly, smugly, claims to be in on the joke. But there’s a problem with this claim. To be in on the joke, there has to be a joke. And generally where there’s a joke, there is laughter. But there is noContinue reading “Freddy Got Fingered (2001)”
A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (2018)
dir. Michael Robison The title is all about the protagonist’s shoe addiction, yet they seem to forget about it for massive stretches of the film. And when they remember it, the shoes she wears are so hideous that it’s hard to fathom why she’s so keen on them. In this movie, the shoes are magicalContinue reading “A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (2018)”
Love Wrecked / Temptation Island (2005)
dir. Randal Kleiser The title(s) make it sound like a hit reality TV show where bland people flirt with each other on a beach, but it’s actually a fictional rom-com film where bland people flirt with each other on a beach. Amanda Bynes and Meadow Soprano vie for the attentions of a generic pop-rock superstar.Continue reading “Love Wrecked / Temptation Island (2005)”
Mamaboy (2017)
dir. Aaron Leong Mamaboy is a horror. It’s not presented as a horror, but it really should be. Mamaboy is supposed to be your average teen comedy – adolescents navigating high school, discovering sex, and getting into routine hijinks on the way. That’s the kind of tone it tries to hit throughout. Unfortunately, it alsoContinue reading “Mamaboy (2017)”
Mirrors 2 (2010)
dir. Victor García It’s hard to imagine that anyone was clamouring for a sequel to Mirrors, but they churned one out anyway. It’s a standalone, so no need to worry about needing to see the first one – they’re basically the same movie. Nick Stahl steps in as our traumatised tough guy, grappling with theContinue reading “Mirrors 2 (2010)”
Mirrors (2008)
dir. Alexandre Aja The central premise of Mirrors is that mirrors are scary. That’s pretty much all there is to go on. Malevolent forces live on the other side of the glass. Kiefer Sutherland’s ex-detective does his utmost to battle them, but he does little to battle his stock ex-detective character tropes of “tormented”, “paranoid”,Continue reading “Mirrors (2008)”
Monte Carlo (2011)
dir. Thomas Bezucha Three gal pals run around Monte Carlo pretending to be wealthy socialites, after it’s discovered that the generic heroine played Selena Gomez bears an uncanny likeness to a spoiled British heiress played by Selena Gomez. Inevitable hijinks ensue. It throws in a prince, because teen rom coms like to have a prince.Continue reading “Monte Carlo (2011)”
The Adventurer: The Curse of the Midas Box (2013)
dir. Jonathan Newman The Adventurer is unbelievable. It simply cannot be believed. Starring the likes of Michael Sheen, Lena Headey, Sam Neill, Keeley Hawes and Ioan Gruffudd, in 2013 it was heralded as the next Harry Potter. A heroic young man discovering magical objects and fighting nefarious forces. Based on the first of a trilogyContinue reading “The Adventurer: The Curse of the Midas Box (2013)”
The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)
dir. Harald Zwart Big shock that they had to cancel the cinematic sequels they’d planned for this one. Maybe the original book series works, but this movie has absolutely no idea what it’s doing. It tries to incorporate every YA trope in the book: magic, vampires, werewolves, witches, warlocks, demons… It’s difficult to believe thereContinue reading “The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)”
Movie 43 (2013)
dir. Steven Brill, Peter Farrelly, Will Graham, Steve Carr, Griffin Dunne, James Duffy, Jonathan van Tulleken, Elizabeth Banks, Patrik Forsberg, Brett Ratner, Rusty Cundieff, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Steve Baker, Damon Escott Movie 43 is an absolute marvel. This anthology “comedy” is a genuine contender for being the worst film of all time, and notContinue reading “Movie 43 (2013)”
Naked (2017)
dir. Michael Tiddes Groundhog Day, but starring a naked Wayans brother. That’s the entire movie, although “movie” is a strong word for this one. In essence, this time it’s about a man who’s got cold feet over his wedding, but reliving his wedding day repeatedly makes him realise just how much he wants to commit.Continue reading “Naked (2017)”
Nine Lives (2016)
dir. Barry Sonnenfeld Kevin Spacey gets turned into a cat. That’s the whole movie. It’s the only remotely noteworthy aspect, anyway. Nine Lives follows the most basic kids’ movie beats ever – he’s a workaholic father, his big work project is a symbol of his corruption and soullessness, but his time spent as a catContinue reading “Nine Lives (2016)”
Ninja: Silent Assassin (1987)
dir. Godfrey Ho A Godfrey Ho masterclass. Like Ninja Terminator and a bunch of his other productions, Ho took his own film and a pre-existing film, then mashed them together and pretended there was a coherent story to be told. In trademark Ho style, the dubbing is absolutely hideous, for the English and non-English speakersContinue reading “Ninja: Silent Assassin (1987)”
Ninja Terminator (1985)
dir. Godfrey Ho All of Godfrey Ho’s films, including Ninja Terminator and Ninja: Silent Assassin, are a mad delight. His MO was to film original scenes, then take an existing martial arts film, dub over the top, and cut the two together. In other words, his “movies” are hybrids of two entirely different films. HalfContinue reading “Ninja Terminator (1985)”
Obsessed (2009)
dir. Steve Shill Obsessed should honestly be appealing by default – plot aside, the leads are played by Idris Elba and Beyoncé, who almost certainly embody the most good-looking couple ever seen on screen. It’s also totally believable that Idris Elba’s colleague would be so infatuated with him to the point of – title dropContinue reading “Obsessed (2009)”
The Open House (2018)
dir. Matt Angel, Suzanne Coote There is only one word that really sums up The Open House, and that is “infuriating”. There are plenty of shoddy horror films in the world, but this one takes it to another level. The premise? Open houses – yes, the sorts run by estate agents – are scary. Okay,Continue reading “The Open House (2018)”
The Oxford Murders (2008)
dir. Álex de la Iglesia The Oxford Murders doesn’t just think it’s smart. It thinks it’s the smartest movie ever known to humankind. It thinks no one can handle just how smart it is. Unfortunately, no matter what The Oxford Murders thinks of itself, the truth is it might be one of the stupidest filmsContinue reading “The Oxford Murders (2008)”
Prime (2005)
dir. Ben Younger Prime is ostensibly a rom-com but it’s very low on humour. The premise alluded to in the title is the fact that the main character Rafi, played by Uma Thurman, is 37 – past her prime, so to speak, because everyone knows life ends at 30 – and begins dating a 23-year-old.Continue reading “Prime (2005)”
Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa (2002)
dir. Colin Slater A short 3D animated feature about the magic of Christmas, introducing a brand new gang of adorable kids, and starring voice acting legends such as Paige O’Hara, Jodi Benson, Nancy Cartwright and Mark Hamill. Released seven years after Toy Story, so the world’s already aware of the wonders 3D animation can achieve.Continue reading “Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa (2002)”
Red Eye (2005)
dir. Wes Craven Both Rachel McAdams and Cillian Murphy are usually consistently brilliant performers, but there’s an exception to every rule. Murphy is especially bewildering in this film – he stars as the antagonist, blackmailing Rachel McAdams’ Lisa on a plane, and by the end he’s genuinely rasping and snarling like an angry monster that’sContinue reading “Red Eye (2005)”
Red Riding Hood (2011)
dir. Catherine Hardwicke In a twist surprising no one, the director of Twilight brings us an adaptation of a fairy tale that’s supposed to be dark and brooding, but is instead just pretty goofy. So much doom and gloom, with murder and imprisonment and torture devices. But it’s hard to take the grimness fully seriouslyContinue reading “Red Riding Hood (2011)”
Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)
dir. James Hayman At first glance you’d be forgiven for thinking this was an attempt to rip off Bridesmaids, banking on the hope that people would confuse the two. But nope, because this one actually came out a year before Bridesmaids did, so there’s really no excuse for the fact it feels like a cheapContinue reading “Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)”
Rodeo and Juliet (2015)
dir. Thadd Turner A woman and her daughter move from the big city to the country. They learn how to loosen up and love life with the help of horses and cowboys. Yeah, it’s a horse movie. The mother is initially planning to sell the ranch she’s inherited, but her ice cold heart is meltedContinue reading “Rodeo and Juliet (2015)”
Roxi (2005)
dir. Mike Murphy Roxi is an experience. All signs point to it having been an impromptu project filmed on holiday. The acting is dreadful – clearly the director’s friends rather than any actual professionals. The filming is shoddy enough to have been done on someone’s ancient camera phone they found in a shoebox in theContinue reading “Roxi (2005)”
Santa Girl (2019)
dir. Blayne Weaver It’s kind of remarkable that a film this stupid came out as recently as 2019. In general, aren’t kids supposed to be more jaded and cynical these days? In 2019, who is the audience for a film about Santa Claus’ daughter going to college? The plot beats are all for teenagers –Continue reading “Santa Girl (2019)”
Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
dir. Lee Harry The sheer audacity of this film has to be seen to be believed. Sure, it does the generic thing of arbitrarily centring the film around the brother of the original protagonist, who did basically nothing in Silent Night, Deadly Night. That’s fine, that’s fair. No, the absolutely shameless thing this sequel doesContinue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)”
Sydney White (2007)
dir. Joe Nussbaum Snow White, but with Amanda Bynes and some college nerds. That’s it. That’s the film. The poisoned apple is now a computer virus, and Prince Charming is now a vapid good-looking nobody who just happened to show up at the right time – although on second thoughts, perhaps that second point isContinue reading “Sydney White (2007)”
The Fanatic (2019)
dir. Fred Durst The Fanatic is kind of astounding. It stars John Travolta as an autistic man who becomes obsessed with a celebrity, to the point of stalking him. Unfortunately Travolta – and Durst – seem to believe autism is most accurately conveyed by trembling, whining, hunching your shoulders, and going out of your wayContinue reading “The Fanatic (2019)”
The Happening (2008)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan In a nutshell, this is peak Shyamalan. The entire world falls prey to a mysterious force which makes people kill themselves; when a key moment of this premise involves Mark Wahlberg speaking soothingly to a rubber plant, you know it cannot be taken remotely seriously. Everyone speaks as though they’re performingContinue reading “The Happening (2008)”
The Last Airbender (2010)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan Avatar: The Last Airbender is a truly incredible TV show. It’s marketed as a kids’ show but has tons of appeal for kids and adults alike. Fascinating characters, a complex world, an engrossing story, beautiful colours and shots, an entrancing score. It’s an incredible feat of storytelling. The best way toContinue reading “The Last Airbender (2010)”
The Last Vampire on Earth (2010)
dir. Vitaliy Versace It’s vampire cosplay filmed on someone’s Nokia 7650. Give or take. Released a couple years after Twilight while the franchise was still going strong, it’s clear the creators wanted to get in on the vampire-centric melodrama. Including such subtleties as the pale and brooding love interest being a haematology student, the filmContinue reading “The Last Vampire on Earth (2010)”
The Little Panda Fighter (2008)
dir. Michelle Gabriel A Video Brinquedo classic, totally unabashed about ripping off Kung Fu Panda. It was even released at the same time to try and bamboozle audiences into confusing the two. Sadly, about four seconds into the amateur animation and stilted dialogue will inform any half-awake viewer that neither DreamWorks nor Jack Black wentContinue reading “The Little Panda Fighter (2008)”
The Lucky One (2012)
dir. Scott Hicks If you enjoy watching a man walk and walk and walk in silence, you’ll enjoy the first part of this film. If you enjoy a man infiltrating a family, community and life he rightly has nothing to do with, you’ll enjoy the middle part of this film. If you enjoy a melodramaticContinue reading “The Lucky One (2012)”
The Mummy (2017)
dir. Alex Kurtzman The Mummy (1999) just never needed to be rebooted in the first place – it was already the ideal adventure film, with the right mix of suspense and spectacle. So of course Tom Cruise and co burst in, proclaiming they could do a much better job. The result is just so utterlyContinue reading “The Mummy (2017)”
The Proposal (2009)
dir. Anne Fletcher Like so many lazy rom-coms, The Proposal tries to convince its audience that two people with no chemistry or rapport can fall in love if they just fake a romance for long enough. In this case, it’s a green card romance, and gives the film an excuse to remain in Sitka, AlaskaContinue reading “The Proposal (2009)”
The Ramen Girl (2008)
dir. Robert Allan Ackerman Brittany Murphy was a uniquely talented actor, and she certainly tries her very best in The Ramen Girl. Sadly, she’s the only consistently good thing about it. The rest of the movie mostly revolves around how mystical and spiritual Japanese people are, so Brittany Murphy’s Abby is able to heal herselfContinue reading “The Ramen Girl (2008)”
The Snowman (2017)
dir. Tomas Alfredson Disclaimer: Jo Nesbø’s Harry Hole book series is amazing, and The Snowman is one of its best entries. Now that’s out of the way, we can turn to the fact that this 2017 adaptation is one of the most idiotic films ever put together. The difficulty is, the script really heavily reliesContinue reading “The Snowman (2017)”
The Stuff (1985)
dir. Larry Cohen It’s generally accepted that The Stuff is in on its own joke. The premise is essentially “scary yoghurt” so it’s difficult for anyone to try and take it seriously, after all. But the problem with The Stuff is, in fact, it seems to try and take itself too seriously, despite being fullyContinue reading “The Stuff (1985)”
Theodore Rex (1996)
dir. Jonathan Betuel What the absolute hell even is Theodore Rex? People in this reality actually sat down together and thought, “I know what’d make a great blockbuster – Whoopi Goldberg teaming up with an animatronic dinosaur to fight crime”? The result is exactly as bewildering and surreal as it sounds. Goldberg’s valiant attempts toContinue reading “Theodore Rex (1996)”
Time Changer (2002)
dir. Rich Christiano Imagine a future where we focus more on the morality of what we do, instead of what religion or following it’s attached to. The fundamentals of who we are and what we do aren’t relevant to the faith we follow. Instead, our actions should be taken for what they are, and ourContinue reading “Time Changer (2002)”
Tiptoes (2003)
dir. Matthew Bright Tiptoes genuinely has to be seen to be believed. It’s remarkable that people thought the best way to tell a serious, insightful movie about dwarfism was to ask Gary Oldman to spend an entire movie on his knees. It’s especially baffling when you consider that there are actual dwarf actors in theContinue reading “Tiptoes (2003)”
Trainwreck (2015)
dir. Judd Apatow The title is more apt than they probably realised. The real shame of it all is, Amy Schumer can be funny – it’s definitely happened once or twice. Frustratingly this is not one of those times. Trainwreck‘s insistence on typical tropes – the woman has daddy issues! The guy has a blackContinue reading “Trainwreck (2015)”
Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000)
dir. Rakesh Roshan Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai is one of those Bollywood movies that they seemingly made up as they went. He’s a musician! She has a new car! They’re on a boat! They’re stuck on a desert island! He’s… dead? But it’s okay, because his exact lookalike lives in New Zealand and seamlessly stepsContinue reading “Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000)”
Twilight (2008)
dir. Catherine Hardwicke Ah, where it all began! The beautiful and insightful Bella Swan, who permanently looks like she’s going to be sick and sometimes arbitrarily falls on her ass. The brooding and charismatic Edward Cullen, who ostensibly slaps on some clown make-up every morning and fervently believes a diet of animal blood makes youContinue reading “Twilight (2008)”
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
dir. Chris Weitz Poor lovesick Bella. She spends a good deal of this film sitting sadly on a chair, while the camera spins around her and captions flash up telling us what month it is. It shows she’s depressed. Get it? All because one of the Cullens almost attacks Bella because he’s driven mad byContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)”
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
dir. David Slade Also known as “Insipid Love Triangle: The Movie”. The most forgettable of the Twilight films, no matter how eager Taylor Lautner is to take his shirt off. The most egregious thing of all is, while he’s undeniably a pathetic, clingy, hollow shell of a figure, Jacob is still about forty million timesContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)”
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)
dir. Bill Condon In which we’re forced to ponder the most pressing questions of Bella and Edward’s universe: if vampires don’t have blood, how do they get erections? Do they have hormones? How can the undead create life? How do the male vampires even have sperm??? Bella’s at the ripe old age of 18 orContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)”
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)
dir. Bill Condon Breaking Dawn – Part 2 can only truly be summed up as infuriating. It makes a point of messing with its audience. Of course, there’s all the general Twilight absurdity. This movie decides to dwell on ideas such as Bella’s incomprehensible beauty (conveyed by Kristen Stewart having her eyebrows coloured in darkerContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)”
Twisted Pair (2018)
dir. Neil Breen This is arguably Neil Breen at his most Breenius self. Visual effects that look like Clip Art put through a rotate effect on Windows Movie Maker? Check. Women used purely as plot devices, because we all know they can’t be anything else? Check. Any excuse for the camera to linger on Breen,Continue reading “Twisted Pair (2018)”
Unfriended (2014)
dir. Levan Gabriadze Unfriended takes the format of a computer screen: the entire view is the protagonist’s interface, including her video conversations, messages, and even her music. And honestly, it works okay. The format is used cleverly, drawing you into the movie even as you can’t help but wonder why all the characters are soContinue reading “Unfriended (2014)”
Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)
dir. Stephen Susco Unfriended managed the spectacular feat of having dumb predictable characters with a dumb predictable plot, yet still being a half-decent movie, purely through innovative use of its form. Unfriended: Dark Web decides to eschew the redemption and just stick to being entirely dumb. Most of it seems to be a personal contestContinue reading “Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)”
The Adventures of Açela (2020)
dir. Özgür Dogruöz It’s beyond generous to even refer to The Adventures of Açela as a movie. It’s more a psychological battering; a foray into the depths of a troubled consciousness; the audio-visual ravings of a lunatic. Here’s a green alien. There’s a tiger. Why? No “why”. Just is. The entire thing leads to aContinue reading “The Adventures of Açela (2020)”
Little Italy (2018)
dir. Donald Petrie It’s not even Little Italy in New York. It’s set in Toronto. Okay. The confusion only escalates from there, with such madnesses to contend with as: the saga of two warring, neighbouring pizza restaurants; a septuagenarian love story; a professional chef who never cooks; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisable Italian accent; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisableContinue reading “Little Italy (2018)”
The Circle (2017)
dir. James Ponsoldt At one point in this film, Emma Watson’s character (though “character” is a strong term for someone so devoid of personality) is thrown a bunch of questions by an interviewer. The Circle tries to do the same to its audience: Is technology helpful, or dangerous? Is privacy crucial, or isolating? Unfortunately theContinue reading “The Circle (2017)”
Ms Matched (2016)
dir. Mark Jean A wedding planner whose usual clientele (judging by the ostentatious yet tasteless occasions she throws) seem to consist solely of very dim billionaires. Then she runs into a man who believes that – CONTROVERSIAL – maybe weddings don’t have to cost a couple every last penny they have. These two seem soContinue reading “Ms Matched (2016)”
Valentine’s Day (2010)
dir. Garry Marshall One of the Love Actually knock-offs which dares to ask the incredible question, “What if a city has a bunch of different people in it, but some of them actually know each other?” This groundbreaking premise is built upon with fleeting scenes where cut-and-paste characters waltz through the standard will-they-won’t-they clichés. There’sContinue reading “Valentine’s Day (2010)”
Water for Elephants (2011)
dir. Francis Lawrence This entire film can be summed up by listening to its music. Tiny little piano clinks and and lingering chords of muted wonder, i.e. a tepid soundtrack to match a tepid film. Profoundly ineffectual and forgettable. Even Christoph Waltz doesn’t seem to be sure of what he’s doing there, as the scriptContinue reading “Water for Elephants (2011)”
What a Girl Wants (2003)
dir. Dennie Gordon To be rich. Apparently, that’s what a girl wants. To be rich. Every single time, the lonely but good-hearted girl living a quiet life with her single mother always gets unexpectedly thrust into a life of opulence and luxury. Just once, it’d be nice if the girl finds out her long lostContinue reading “What a Girl Wants (2003)”
What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue! (2009)
dir. Everton Rodrigues, Michelle Gabriel Video Brinquedo’s nudge-nudge wink-wink, “Oh yes, that acclaimed animated movie about a flying house with ‘up’ in the title, yes we totally did that.” As well as being awkward and unfunny, it’s inexplicably offensive. The movie’s not even that long yet they still manage to throw in a whole routineContinue reading “What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue! (2009)”
What’s Your Number? (2011)
dir. Mark Mylod One of tragically numerous chick flicks where the sole intention seems to be to make all women in the universe feel bad about themselves. Had sex with multiple partners? You’re a slut! Not had much or any sex? You’re a prude! You’re in a relationship? You’re boring! You’re single? You’re pathetic! AnnaContinue reading “What’s Your Number? (2011)”
Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010)
dir. Nabwana I.G.G. In Who Killed Captain Alex‘s eternal favour, it’s obvious that everyone involved in the production had a whole lot of fun putting it together. It’s a passion project, done on a low budget purely because the crew wanted to. The action and stunts genuinely aren’t all bad. But you still can’t helpContinue reading “Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010)”
The Wicker Man (2006)
dir. Neil LaBute The original The Wicker Man has complex characters portrayed by talented actors; a subtle yet invasive sense of growing dread; and a climax of such viciously casual ruthlessness that it practically managed to redefine the whole genre of horror. This version of The Wicker Man has Nicolas Cage punching women, dressing upContinue reading “The Wicker Man (2006)”
Wish Upon (2017)
dir. John R. Leonetti Wish Upon teaches us about the precious fragility of life. For example, it shows us that a mild bump on the head while you’re in the bath can almost certainly lead to you drowning in your own blood. Or that getting the very tip of your hair caught in the garbageContinue reading “Wish Upon (2017)”
You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)
dir. Allan Harmon The most egregious thing about it is bacon isn’t even all that heavily featured. Yes, the love interest (who looks like the brother – unsettling) owns a bacon truck. But the entire plot is hinged on persimmons. It’s all about buying the right persimmons, bacon and persimmon sandwiches, persimmons persimmons persimmons. YourContinue reading “You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)”
Zapped (2014)
dir. Peter DeLuise In which Zendaya runs around waving a magical mobile phone app at everyone, thereby making the men and boys around her do her bidding. When you think about it this could’ve taken a very dark turn. But it’s a Disney Channel movie, so instead of going down the human slave route, ZendayaContinue reading “Zapped (2014)”
Devil (2010)
dir. John Erick Dowdle M. Night Shyamalan at his finest, or at least at his most Shyamalan-esque. An idiotic twist where it turned out the hero and the villain had a shared past all along; lots of wide eyes and trembling while the lights periodically turn on and off; and the grand revelation that ifContinue reading “Devil (2010)”
Wounds (2019)
dir. Babak Anvari Wounds sure does manage to throw a lot of questions at you. Are slow-mo zoom-ins on tunnels and close-up shots of air conditioners supposed to be scary? Are those cockroaches part of some psychological haunting, or is this guy just really dirty? Didn’t Armie Hammer and Dakota Johnson have anything better toContinue reading “Wounds (2019)”
The Decoy Bride (2011)
dir. Sheree Folkson It is difficult to fathom what talented people like Kelly McDonald, David Tennant, Alice Eve, and Dylan Moran are doing in The Decoy Bride. They’re not acting – no one really does that in this film. The story follows a Scottish woman who stands in for a Hollywood celebrity at her wedding,Continue reading “The Decoy Bride (2011)”
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
dir. Andrew Adamson In the wake of the magnificent Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Narnia films managed to achieve none of the things that made the former such a successful adaptation. There is no spark in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; it simply meanders from event to event with no particular emotionContinue reading “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)”
ThanksKilling (2008)
dir. Jordan Downey ThanksKilling is a very difficult film to describe. It’s obviously making fun – it’s an out and proud slasher film intended to revel in the joyous extremes of the horror genre. Hence the demonic turkey who struts around swearing at people. Or the ancient book of magic that is quite obviously aContinue reading “ThanksKilling (2008)”
Tall Girl (2019)
dir. Nzingha Stewart There are many minorities and downtrodden communities who face adversity in life. Women; ethnic minorities; the LGBTQ+ community; disabled people; the elderly; the working class and others from socio-economic groups with a lower income. But did any of these people stop and consider the most persecuted community of all: tall girls? Well,Continue reading “Tall Girl (2019)”
Suicide Squad (2016)
dir. David Ayer It is beyond incredible that this was ostensibly DC Films’ attempt at “The Avengers, but antiheroes”. The sad thing is, the premise isn’t half-bad – it could have been fun watching a bunch of villains run rogue. But Suicide Squad doesn’t let anyone run rogue. For all their monologuing about how evilContinue reading “Suicide Squad (2016)”
Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)
dir. Rupert Sanders This movie was just a mistake. The attempt to turn something as basic as the Snow White fairy tale into a dark and gritty epic was never going to work. Some of the cinematography and framing make a decent start, with the world visually portrayed as pretty complex and intriguing – butContinue reading “Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)”
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
dir. Charles E. Sellier Jr. A shameless Christmas-themed slasher, about as overblown and pulpy as you’d expect. The protagonist suffers from PTSD due to seeing his parents get murdered on Christmas Eve when he was a kid; as an adult he despises Christmas to the extend he dresses up as Santa and kills people. Standard.Continue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)”
Showgirls (1995)
dir. Paul Verhoeven Showgirls is unbelievable. It genuinely cannot be believed. The director of Total Recall and Basic Instinct helms while Jessie from Saved by the Bell stars as a stripper falling into the seedier underbelly of Las Vegas, soundtracked by Prince songs that characters in the movie claim they wrote themselves? It just can’tContinue reading “Showgirls (1995)”
She’s Out of My League (2010)
dir. Jim Field Smith One of those films that pretends it’s all about how beauty isn’t just found in physical appearances, then spends the entire runtime scrutinising and judging people’s physical appearances. It’s a thoroughly mean-spirited story, with everyone treating each other pretty poorly. At one point, Alice Eve’s “10/10” character admits her dark secret:Continue reading “She’s Out of My League (2010)”
Sharknado (2013)
dir. Anthony C. Ferrante What can possibly be said about Sharknado that hasn’t already been said? It’s all in the title: it’s a tornado, but sharks. That’s the start, the middle and the end. It’s hard to fathom that we live in a world where such a thing as a Sharknado franchise exists, but thisContinue reading “Sharknado (2013)”
The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D (2005)
dir. Robert Rodriguez Robert Rodriguez is not shy about the fact that this movie is based on the dreams of one of his children. A very sweet gesture, but also a sure-fire way to ensure your film makes no sense whatsoever. The main character is a boy called Max, who retreats into a world ofContinue reading “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D (2005)”
Scales: Mermaids Are Real (2017)
dir. Kevan Peterson This one is genuinely mind-blowing. In a sense it’s a typical fantasy movie for kids – an unassuming girl discovers she has magical powers. In this film, rather than a witch or a vampire slayer, it turns out she’s a mermaid. Aside from some very awkward and specific rules around how exactlyContinue reading “Scales: Mermaids Are Real (2017)”
Sex and the City 2 (2010)
dir. Michael Patrick King The Sex and the City TV series, for all its faults, was genuinely groundbreaking. It let women do, think and say things they’d seldom been allowed to on TV before, and some of the emotional beats were handled in an extremely affecting way. How sad, then, that the entire Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City 2 (2010)”
Sex and the City (2008)
dir. Michael Patrick King This film makes it abundantly clear that Sex and the City was never supposed to be in cinemas. The antics of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha were perfect for the small screen: a bit of escapism each week, a little “story of the week” while allowing for long-form arcs. Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City (2008)”
Secret Obsession (2019)
dir. Peter Sullivan Considering the “reveal” can be seen coming from miles off, the obsession perhaps isn’t quite as secret as the movie thinks. Taking its cue from stories like Before I Go to Sleep, it hinges on the protagonist suffering from bad amnesia, and therefore having to trust that the people around her areContinue reading “Secret Obsession (2019)”
S. Darko (2009)
dir. Chris Fisher The girl who plays Donnie’s younger sister Samantha in Donnie Darko reprises her role in S. Darko. She’s the only one who comes back. The rest of the cast and crew have vocally distanced themselves from this idiotic… sequel? Spin-off? Tribute? It’s very difficult to connect S. Darko to Donnie Darko inContinue reading “S. Darko (2009)”
Ratatoing (2007)
dir. Michelle Gabriel Video Brinquedo’s entire reason for existing is to make shameless rip-offs of successful animated movies, but this one takes it to unprecedented depths of audacity. As if the title Ratatoing was intended to do anything except trick people into thinking it’s Ratatouille. As if this one just happens, by mere coincidence, toContinue reading “Ratatoing (2007)”
Quest for Camelot (1998)
dir. Frederik Du Chau One of those movies you watch as a kid and think is basically Disney, but then you grow up, rewatch it in a fit of nostalgia, and realise it’s pure trash. The heroine Kayley sets off on a quest to retrieve the legendary sword Excalibur and restore Camelot to peace, butContinue reading “Quest for Camelot (1998)”
Retro Puppet Master (1995)
dir. David DeCoteau The seventh film in the inexplicable Puppet Master franchise, this one is noteworthy because it stars none other than Greg Sestero, i.e. Tommy’s best friend Mark in The Room. It’s quite something to watch Mark blustering around trying to get the tiny demonic puppet people to behave. It’s particularly entertaining to listenContinue reading “Retro Puppet Master (1995)”
Potato Potahto (2017)
dir. Shirley Frimpong-Manso Potato Potahto is about two people who are forced to keep living together after a divorce. Presumably the title refers to how the two of them are different yet the same, but the title is never actually referred to in the movie at any point so that’s pure conjecture. Either way, ifContinue reading “Potato Potahto (2017)”
New Year’s Eve (2011)
dir. Garry Marshall Like Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve is another film where Garry Marshall follows around a bunch of insipid nobodies in an attempt to rip off Love Actually. It’s very difficult to understand why anyone would want to rip off Love Actually to begin with, but here we are. This one really triesContinue reading “New Year’s Eve (2011)”
Nerve (2016)
dir. Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman Nerve seems to be labouring under the misapprehension that it’s an episode of Black Mirror. Sadly, it doesn’t remotely measure up to Black Mirror, not even one of the bad ones. The general premise of “what if social media, but bad” is taken to extremes that require way too muchContinue reading “Nerve (2016)”
My Fake Fiancé (2009)
dir. Gil Junger One of those ABC Family movies that is almost entirely dependent on the premise that being single is the worst, most disgusting thing in the world. Sabrina the Teenage Witch meets Joey from Blossom during a wedding at, shock horror, the singles table. At first, they’re scathing about the opulent gifts andContinue reading “My Fake Fiancé (2009)”
Money Plane (2020)
dir. Andrew Lawrence “Hey, you know what’s interesting? Money. And you know where’s a good location? Plane.” Thus, presumably, Money Plane was born. The eponymous Money Plane is an incredibly perplexing airborne casino with no real logic to it – it’s just a casino that’s, for some reason, in the sky. People bet on illegalContinue reading “Money Plane (2020)”
Miami Connection (1987)
dir. Richard Park, Y. K. Kim Miami Connection undeniably does its damndest to furnish its audience with everything they could possibly want in an action movie, or an eighties movie in general. Ninjas? Motorcycles? Rock bands? Drug deals? A heart-warming rekindled relationship between father and son? All of this in Florida, for some reason? TheContinue reading “Miami Connection (1987)”
Mean Girls 2 (2011)
dir. Melanie Mayron By far the most egregious thing about Mean Girls 2 is its name. Tim Meadows returns as the same principal, despite the setting seemingly being an entirely different high school in an entirely different state, but besides that this movie has emphatically nothing to do with Mean Girls. Sure, they say “theContinue reading “Mean Girls 2 (2011)”
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)
dir. Ol Parker Yes, it’s the ABBA lyrics, but it’s quite something when even the movie sounds sick of itself. Here we go, again. Can’t blame it, though – the Mamma Mia! sequel is such a mess that even Meryl Streep couldn’t be coaxed into returning for more than a few seconds as a smilingContinue reading “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)”
Love on a Leash (2011)
dir. Fen Tian It’s painful, the knowledge that our world is a place where the fever dream that is Love on the Leash can be classed as a real film. It’s a 2011 production, but the filming quality is so bad that watching it at home feels like putting on a home movie from theContinue reading “Love on a Leash (2011)”
Lost in Space (1998)
dir. Stephen Hopkins In some ways, Lost in Space was doomed to fail. The ’60s TV show it was based on was kitschy and overblown, so the attempt to make a serious sci-fi epic perhaps utilised the wrong source material. Casting Matt LeBlanc as a fighter pilot was possibly the final nail in the coffin.Continue reading “Lost in Space (1998)”
Lord of War (2005)
dir. Andrew Niccol Lord of War begins with a slow panning shot over a giant collection of bullets, This is a pretty unabashed set-up for the whole film. Nicolas Cage and Jared Leto play two Ukrainian brothers who go into arms dealing, with hotshot Interpol agent Ethan Hawke on their trail. Lord of War proclaimsContinue reading “Lord of War (2005)”
Loqueesha (2019)
dir. Jeremy Saville Loqueesha is, frankly, disgusting. It’s just disgusting. There are no other words for it. The story follows a white man who launches a successful radio show by “pretending to be a black woman”. This means he puts on the most utterly offensive stereotypical voice, which roughly equates to him yelling obnoxiously inContinue reading “Loqueesha (2019)”
LOL (2012)
dir. Lisa Azuelos LOL was released right before Miley Cyrus reinvented her image and sang lots of songs about how she likes to have sex and take drugs. It shows, as LOL itself isn’t quite sure if it wasn’t to be a fluffy teen rom-com or a movie that delves into deeper issue of teenContinue reading “LOL (2012)”
Little Bee / Abelhinhas (2009)
dir. Michelle Gabriel Obviously the reason Video Brinquedo even existed was to rip off bigger films and dupe unsuspecting viewers into thinking they were purchasing the real thing. It’s still difficult to fathom why they’d want to rip off Bee Movie, which is a terrible cheap flaming garbage fire all by itself. At least LittleContinue reading “Little Bee / Abelhinhas (2009)”
Les Misérables (2012)
dir. Tom Hooper Because of wins for Best Supporting Actress, Best Makeup and Hairstyling, and Best Sound Mixing, Les Misérables can legitimately call itself an Oscar-winning movie. It’s a real shame, because it’s really not very good. As a rule the best musicals are a bit overblown, but Tom Hooper takes this to hilarious extremes,Continue reading “Les Misérables (2012)”
Leo the Lion (2005)
dir. Mario Cambi The very best word that could be used to describe Leo the Lion is “confusing”. It is an extremely confusing film. The eponymous Leo is shunned by his peers for being a vegetarian lion. He goes on an adventure to the heart of the jungle, collecting some zany sidekick animal friends alongContinue reading “Leo the Lion (2005)”
Legally Blondes (2009)
dir. Savage Steve Holland Blondes, plural. Ostensibly this loosely affiliated Legally Blonde spin-off decided Elle Woods wasn’t enough, and decided to rectify this by giving us Elle Woods’ irritating twin cousins instead. Twin 1 and Twin 2 – they have names, but they’re so totally devoid of personality it makes no difference – make theContinue reading “Legally Blondes (2009)”
Left Behind (2014)
dir. Vic Armstrong Who doesn’t want an apocalyptic thriller starring the equally impactful acting forces of Nicolas Cage and Chad Michael Murray? This one involves half the people in the world suddenly disappearing, well before Thanos made the idea mainstream. The ultimate point of Left Behind is a difficult one to ascertain – the toneContinue reading “Left Behind (2014)”
Last Christmas (2019)
dir. Paul Feig It’s pretty obvious that they just said, “Let’s take a bunch of George Michael songs” and then built a movie around them, but that’s far from being the most egregious part of Last Christmas. Emilia Clarke stomps around London, destroying her friends’ possessions and putting her boss’ workplace at risk of theft.Continue reading “Last Christmas (2019)”
Labor Pains (2009)
dir. Lara Shapiro The premise of Labor Pains is a woman lies about being pregnant in order to protect her job. It is extremely difficult to come up with an idea more jaded than that. It could have been a thoughtful drama or a complex character study, but instead Labor Pains maintains it’s all inContinue reading “Labor Pains (2009)”
Knowing (2009)
dir. Alex Proyas Another excuse for Nicolas Cage to run around and grimace heavily. Knowing is an apocalyptic sci-fi drama where Cage’s professor protagonist unearths clues from a time capsule which could be predicting future disasters. As he embarks on a mission to foil the final catastrophe, the movie paints itself further and further intoContinue reading “Knowing (2009)”
The Kissing Booth 2 (2020)
dir. Vince Marcello Sequel to 2018’s The Kissing Booth and the second of a projected trilogy, The Kissing Booth 2 manages to perform the impossible and is somehow an even worse film than its predecessor. Joey King’s Elle finds her already toxic romance threatened when her boyfriend Noah moves to Harvard. To Elle’s dismay, girlsContinue reading “The Kissing Booth 2 (2020)”
The Kissing Booth (2018)
dir. Vince Marcello It’s genuinely alarming that a movie like The Kissing Booth can be made and find success in 2018. So many of the ideas are fundamentally archaic. The best friendship at the centre of the story is dependent to the point of emotional abuse, while the main character Elle’s love interest is manipulativeContinue reading “The Kissing Booth (2018)”
Just My Luck (2006)
dir. Donald Petrie Lindsay Lohan plays a woman with permanent good fortune, while Chris Pine is a man with chronically bad luck. They kiss at a masked ball, and suddenly their situations swap. Oh no! Now Lindsay Lohan must find Chris Pine and kiss him again, to get her good luck back. The film isContinue reading “Just My Luck (2006)”
Jack and Jill (2011)
dir. Dennis Dugan Adam Sandler and the Happy Madison movies are quite a marvel. Adam Sandler and many of his colleagues have proven themselves to be genuinely talented actors and comedians. So it’s difficult to understand why they so frequently ignore all of their abilities and instead seemingly come together to create the absolute worstContinue reading “Jack and Jill (2011)”
Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)
dir. David Hackl Into the Grizzly Maze follows two brothers as they’re stalked by a bear. But it’s not exactly The Revenant. This movie seems to believe bears possess almost-supernatural levels of cognition, manipulation and stealth, as this particular bear constantly eludes trace or capture. Later on, it even proves itself impervious to fire. AsContinue reading “Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)”
Relative Happiness (2014)
dir. Deanne Foley Lexy is a woman. She’s also FAT! She owns a B&B in Nova Scotia. She is also FAT! She needs to find a date to her sister’s wedding, but of course no one will date her, because she’s FAT! In case you forgot for a split-second, remember – she is also FAT!Continue reading “Relative Happiness (2014)”
I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)
dir. Steve Race If you took an average person and informed them that a film exists starring Ja Rule as a drug dealer who falls in love with a church-going woman, they simply would not believe you. If you informed them that Michael Madsen and Vincent Pastore i.e. Big Pussy Bonpensiero are also in theContinue reading “I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)”
I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
dir. Chris Sivertson In a way, any film’s first foot forward is its title. It’s apparent quite quickly, then, that I Know Who Killed Me is pretentious, unnecessary, and makes no sense. Lindsay Lohan channels Showgirls as she pouts and lapdances while brooding over how terrible everything is. She finds herself badly injured and goesContinue reading “I Know Who Killed Me (2007)”
I Feel Pretty (2018)
dir. Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein I Feel Pretty really hinges itself on the absolute worst of Amy Schumer’s comedy. The type when all you see is a conventionally attractive white woman bemoaning how fat, ugly and weird she is. In I Feel Pretty, Schumer’s character Renee gets concussed and suddenly believes herself to be aContinue reading “I Feel Pretty (2018)”
I Am Here… Now (2009)
dir. Neil Breen In which Neil Breen plays God. Hardly a leap for Neil Breen, who quite obviously considers himself to be God anyway – this time he’s just not sugar-coating it with an alias. Coming down to Earth in human form on a journey to Vegas to punish humankind for their wrong-doing, Breen spendsContinue reading “I Am Here… Now (2009)”
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)
dir. Tom Six The Human Centipede unabashedly only ever existed for one reason: to shock. The real disappointment of First Sequence is that it fails to even do that. Obviously the premise is grotesque, but as publicised as it was, you’d think the full movie offers something slightly more, even just a kernel. It doesContinue reading “The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)”
House at the End of the Street (2012)
dir. Mark Tonderai Jennifer Lawrence plays an emotionally intuitive teenage girl who moves to a new neighbourhood with her mother. We know she’s emotionally intuitive not because she offers clever insights or friendly support to those around her, but because she sits around playing banal songs on her guitar. She befriends the brother of aContinue reading “House at the End of the Street (2012)”
Host (2020)
dir. Rob Savage Host was released to critical acclaim, which suggests the bar for movies got extremely low during the coronavirus pandemic. The format is cute, although it’s nothing Unfriended didn’t already do – a bunch of friends get together on a video conferencing call, and the movie is done as though the viewer isContinue reading “Host (2020)”
Horror Story (2013)
dir. Ayush Raina It’s Bollywood trying to do a dramatic horror. It was always going to be hilarious. A group of friends decide to check out an abandoned local hotel, which is rumoured to be haunted. Horror Story is genuinely a laugh a minute, with wide-eyed screams and hysterical running accompanying the most rudimentary ofContinue reading “Horror Story (2013)”
Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)
dir. Ron Underwood Trudie (Melissa Joan Hart) has a family who always pressurises her to be in a relationship. How understandable! But this year, she has the perfect boyfriend she can bring home for Christmas. How delightful! Unfortunately, he breaks up with her right as they’re about to go and meet her family. How sympathetic!Continue reading “Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)”
Her Best Move (2007)
dir. Norm Hunter A teenage girl has to balance sports, friends, family, romance, and education. That’s the movie. Just, y’know, life. Despite the central conceit of – gasp! A girl playing football – the film is pretty generic, with each character stepping into their moulded place: Encouraging Best Friend, Eager Father, Sympathetic Mother, Boyfriendy Boyfriend.Continue reading “Her Best Move (2007)”
Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)
dir. Ron Oliver Anyone even vaguely acquainted with Harriet the Spy will immediately wonder what the hell it has to do with blogging. This version ages Harriet up to 16; one would think she’d be over the fairly childish spy games by this age, but ostensibly not. Therefore her “spying” just comes across a lotContinue reading “Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)”
Gordy (1995)
dir. Mark Lewis Gordy pulls off the incredible feat of being a rip-off of Babe, despite the fact that it actually came out a few months before Babe did. It still feels like a cheap imitation, though. A small talking farm pig becomes famous – why did two of these movies get released in 1995,Continue reading “Gordy (1995)”
Gooby (2009)
dir. Wilson Coneybeare This alleged heart-warming coming-of-age tale is one of the most downright terrifying films to ever exist. A boy – who is way too old for the silly stick drawings of aliens he produces in his spare time – meets his childhood teddy bear, Gooby, come to life. Gooby is frankly one ofContinue reading “Gooby (2009)”
Goat Story – The Old Prague Legends (2008)
dir. Jan Tománek Goat Story is freaky. It’s just freaky. And not just because of the shoddy computer animation, which gives every character such bulging eyes and stilted movement that the visuals alone make Goat Story the stuff of nightmares. But that’s not enough – Goat Story has to push things further. It has toContinue reading “Goat Story – The Old Prague Legends (2008)”
Goat Story 2 / Goat Story with Cheese (2012)
dir. Jan Tománek One would be forgiven for believing it couldn’t get any worse than Goat Story, but wow, it really does. Goat Story 2 manages to somehow be even madder, scarier and stupider than the first one. The same horrific animation stays. There are idiotic songs and annoying characters again. But this time, theContinue reading “Goat Story 2 / Goat Story with Cheese (2012)”
Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)
dir. Kelly Asbury Romeo and Juliet, as told by animated comedic gnomes. Oh good. Clearly someone came up with the title and decided to build a movie around it, but even that doesn’t excuse the total absence of any humour, romance, or basic effort at all from this film. The jokes are all of theContinue reading “Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)”
