The Cell (2000)

dir. Tarsem Singh It is genuinely embarrassing to see how much The Cell is trying versus how little it actually achieves. The story follows child psychologist Catherine (Jennifer Lopez, about as ineffectual as you can imagine) who uses special technology to delve into her patients’ minds through a realm akin to virtual reality. Her skillsContinue reading “The Cell (2000)”

Fullmetal Alchemist: The Final Alchemy (2022)

dir. Fumihiko Sori The Final Alchemy, in a way, achieves something absolutely spectacular. Because Fullmetal Alchemist already had very bad CGI. The Revenge of Scar continued that tradition and boasted similarly terrible CGI. But despite the bar already being so low it’s being melted by the Earth’s core, The Final Alchemy impressively manages to containContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist: The Final Alchemy (2022)”

Fullmetal Alchemist: The Revenge of Scar (2022)

dir. Fumihiko Sori Unbelievably, despite the 2017 live-action Fullmetal Alchemist adaptation being horrendously subpar, somehow it was decided that the saga would continue. The Revenge of Scar continues its predecessor’s penchant for bad wigs, underwhelming action and shoddy CGI. In this instalment we’re following the supposedly epic journey of our villain-turned-ally Scar, whose ceaseless rageContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist: The Revenge of Scar (2022)”

The Tomorrow War (2021)

dir. Chris McKay Time travel is extremely difficult to tell a coherent story about. Even the best attempts, like Donnie Darko, Palm Springs, Terminator, or Your Name begin to fall apart as soon as underpinning logic is thought about a bit too much. All of those movies work well, though, because of their internal consistencyContinue reading “The Tomorrow War (2021)”

Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (1982)

dir. Çetin Inanç Popularly referred to as “Turkish Star Wars”, Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam is a baffling experience. It lifts footage from Star Wars without batting an eye, as well as its music. Music is also blithely stolen from other movies like Ben-Hur and Flash Gordon; many action sequences are set to the main theme fromContinue reading “Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (1982)”

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

dir. The Wachowskis Jupiter Jones is a janitor who nearly gets killed by aliens masquerading as hospital staff but she’s rescued by Caine Wise, an intergalactic soldier who has orders to kidnap Jupiter so Titus of the royal Abrasax family can marry her, but Titus’ sister Kalique and brother Balem also want to kidnap her,Continue reading “Jupiter Ascending (2015)”

Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)

dir. Fumihiko Sori The really disappointing thing about the live-action Fullmetal Alchemist is the fact that the source material is amazing. The 2000s manga and anime series told the tragic tale of brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric with beautiful visuals, complex character development, and meticulous storyline pacing. That last one is especially crucial when youContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)”

The Happening (2008)

dir. M. Night Shyamalan In a nutshell, this is peak Shyamalan. The entire world falls prey to a mysterious force which makes people kill themselves; when a key moment of this premise involves Mark Wahlberg speaking soothingly to a rubber plant, you know it cannot be taken remotely seriously. Everyone speaks as though they’re performingContinue reading “The Happening (2008)”

Theodore Rex (1996)

dir. Jonathan Betuel What the absolute hell even is Theodore Rex? People in this reality actually sat down together and thought, “I know what’d make a great blockbuster – Whoopi Goldberg teaming up with an animatronic dinosaur to fight crime”? The result is exactly as bewildering and surreal as it sounds. Goldberg’s valiant attempts toContinue reading “Theodore Rex (1996)”

The Circle (2017)

dir. James Ponsoldt At one point in this film, Emma Watson’s character (though “character” is a strong term for someone so devoid of personality) is thrown a bunch of questions by an interviewer. The Circle tries to do the same to its audience: Is technology helpful, or dangerous? Is privacy crucial, or isolating? Unfortunately theContinue reading “The Circle (2017)”

Knowing (2009)

dir. Alex Proyas Another excuse for Nicolas Cage to run around and grimace heavily. Knowing is an apocalyptic sci-fi drama where Cage’s professor protagonist unearths clues from a time capsule which could be predicting future disasters. As he embarks on a mission to foil the final catastrophe, the movie paints itself further and further intoContinue reading “Knowing (2009)”

I Am Here… Now (2009)

dir. Neil Breen In which Neil Breen plays God. Hardly a leap for Neil Breen, who quite obviously considers himself to be God anyway – this time he’s just not sugar-coating it with an alias. Coming down to Earth in human form on a journey to Vegas to punish humankind for their wrong-doing, Breen spendsContinue reading “I Am Here… Now (2009)”

Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)

dir. Cy Roth It’s pretty obvious that Cy Roth – director, producer and writer of Fire Maidens – was thrilled to be making a movie at all. Didn’t matter that the plot was nonsense and visual effects a joke – at least he was making a movie. Five astronauts, making their abundant masculinity known throughContinue reading “Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)”

Fateful Findings (2012)

dir. Neil Breen A Neil Breen classic. One of the Neil Breeniest films to ever Neil Breen, perhaps only outclassed by Twisted Pair. The plot, if it can even be called that, is about as mental as can be expected from Breen: the hero is a hacker-novelist (standard) who unearths government secrets, while also reconnectingContinue reading “Fateful Findings (2012)”

After Earth (2011)

dir. M. Night Shyamalan Although most of the promotion for After Earth desperately tried to conceal that it’s helmed by M. Night Shyamalan, the ruse fails immediately upon simply watching the movie. It so obviously embodies the worst of Shymalan: awkward close-ups, contrived plotting, characters so pretentious they refuse to ever speak in contractions. WillContinue reading “After Earth (2011)”