dir. Neil Breen After so many disasters – Double Down, I Am Here… Now, Fateful Findings, Twisted Pair – it would be reasonable to assume that writer-director Neil Breen is aware of his reputation. Like lots of bad movie makers before him, it’s expected for him to fall into a bit of nudge-nudge, wink-wink, self-deprecatingContinue reading “Cade: The Tortured Crossing (2023)”
Category Archives: Sci-fi
Iron Sky (2012)
dir. Timo Vuorensola Iron Sky is about as depressingly on-the-nose as a self-aware pastiche can get. With a premise that essentially boils down to “Nazis on the moon”, it’s obvious how much it’s trying to fit into the “so bad it’s good” genre. But with its coarse attempts at edginess (the Nazis white up aContinue reading “Iron Sky (2012)”
The Cell (2000)
dir. Tarsem Singh It is genuinely embarrassing to see how much The Cell is trying versus how little it actually achieves. The story follows child psychologist Catherine (Jennifer Lopez, about as ineffectual as you can imagine) who uses special technology to delve into her patients’ minds through a realm akin to virtual reality. Her skillsContinue reading “The Cell (2000)”
Fullmetal Alchemist: The Final Alchemy (2022)
dir. Fumihiko Sori The Final Alchemy, in a way, achieves something absolutely spectacular. Because Fullmetal Alchemist already had very bad CGI. The Revenge of Scar continued that tradition and boasted similarly terrible CGI. But despite the bar already being so low it’s being melted by the Earth’s core, The Final Alchemy impressively manages to containContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist: The Final Alchemy (2022)”
Fullmetal Alchemist: The Revenge of Scar (2022)
dir. Fumihiko Sori Unbelievably, despite the 2017 live-action Fullmetal Alchemist adaptation being horrendously subpar, somehow it was decided that the saga would continue. The Revenge of Scar continues its predecessor’s penchant for bad wigs, underwhelming action and shoddy CGI. In this instalment we’re following the supposedly epic journey of our villain-turned-ally Scar, whose ceaseless rageContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist: The Revenge of Scar (2022)”
Dominator (2003)
dir. Tony Luke The fact that Dominator even exists is an absolute mind-bend. It’s based on what is purported to be the first British manga (a questionable claim in itself), which revolves around Dominator, a demonic entity who is unleashed from hell when a trio of unsuspecting hot girls play a forbidden chord on theirContinue reading “Dominator (2003)”
Moonfall (2022)
dir. Roland Emmerich Roland Emmerich, king of unhinged disaster movies like The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, has inexplicably managed to outdo even himself with Moonfall. The plot is centred around the moon going off orbit and falling towards the Earth, causing all manner of disasters like tsunamis, comets – and a gravitational aberration whichContinue reading “Moonfall (2022)”
The Core (2003)
dir. Jon Amiel The premise of The Core is so profoundly stupid that it’s hard not to laugh. The liquid outer core of the Earth has stopped spinning, so a team of hero scientists needs to drill down to the centre of the planet and set off some nuclear bombs to restore rotation. Incredibly convenientContinue reading “The Core (2003)”
Next (2007)
dir. Lee Tamahori Next is an extremely difficult film to discuss. Not because it’s remotely complicated, although the film oozes self-importance over its own convoluted premise. Nicolas Cage plays a magician who can see a few minutes into his own future, although he acknowledges any future he sees cannot happen because he’s seen it, andContinue reading “Next (2007)”
Jiu Jitsu (2020)
dir. Dimitri Logothetis Jiu Jitsu is a truly baffling experience. The plot is beyond confusing: every six years, martial artists have to fight an alien race, but now a comet has appeared in the sky and made the ritual different and more dangerous for some reason, but the aliens – although we only ever actuallyContinue reading “Jiu Jitsu (2020)”
The Tomorrow War (2021)
dir. Chris McKay Time travel is extremely difficult to tell a coherent story about. Even the best attempts, like Donnie Darko, Palm Springs, Terminator, or Your Name begin to fall apart as soon as underpinning logic is thought about a bit too much. All of those movies work well, though, because of their internal consistencyContinue reading “The Tomorrow War (2021)”
The Silence (2019)
dir. John R. Leonetti The Silence follows a deaf girl and her family as they strive to survive an onslaught from mysterious creatures who cannot see, but navigate and hunt by sound. The comparisons to 2018’s A Quiet Place are too obvious to detail, but The Silence doesn’t stop there. The main characters’ insistence onContinue reading “The Silence (2019)”
Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (1982)
dir. Çetin Inanç Popularly referred to as “Turkish Star Wars”, Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam is a baffling experience. It lifts footage from Star Wars without batting an eye, as well as its music. Music is also blithely stolen from other movies like Ben-Hur and Flash Gordon; many action sequences are set to the main theme fromContinue reading “Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (1982)”
The Host (2013)
dir. Andrew Niccol The standard line with respect to Stephenie Meyer, creator of The Twilight Saga, is that her work isn’t high art. It’s not exactly cerebral. There’s precisely no need for deep, hard thinking to understand the story of Twilight. But then again, play The Host, which is based on a novel by Meyer,Continue reading “The Host (2013)”
Jupiter Ascending (2015)
dir. The Wachowskis Jupiter Jones is a janitor who nearly gets killed by aliens masquerading as hospital staff but she’s rescued by Caine Wise, an intergalactic soldier who has orders to kidnap Jupiter so Titus of the royal Abrasax family can marry her, but Titus’ sister Kalique and brother Balem also want to kidnap her,Continue reading “Jupiter Ascending (2015)”
Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)
dir. Fumihiko Sori The really disappointing thing about the live-action Fullmetal Alchemist is the fact that the source material is amazing. The 2000s manga and anime series told the tragic tale of brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric with beautiful visuals, complex character development, and meticulous storyline pacing. That last one is especially crucial when youContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)”
iBoy (2017)
dir. Adam Randall iBoy is just your average boy-meets-girl YA movie. You know: boy meets girl; girl gets gang raped by generic council block hoodlums; boy gets shot by said hoodlums resulting in shards of a smartphone being embedded in his brain; boy develops extremely confusing and inconsistent cyber-based powers and uses them to enactContinue reading “iBoy (2017)”
Songbird (2020)
dir. Adam Mason For a people to think it was a good idea to take a currently unfolding tragedy, Michael Bay-ify it and present it as a legitimate film is a complete insult to everything humanity is living through. In Songbird, we’re a few years into the future and COVID-19 has mutated into COVID-23. KJContinue reading “Songbird (2020)”
2012 (2009)
dir. Roland Emmerich A geologist discovers the world is falling apart, due to some random nonsense that’s never explained in any way a scientist would deem valid. A novelist battles to save his family, as natural disaster after natural disaster threatens humankind with extinction. All very grave, as the movie’s ominous tagline “We were warned”Continue reading “2012 (2009)”
The Happening (2008)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan In a nutshell, this is peak Shyamalan. The entire world falls prey to a mysterious force which makes people kill themselves; when a key moment of this premise involves Mark Wahlberg speaking soothingly to a rubber plant, you know it cannot be taken remotely seriously. Everyone speaks as though they’re performingContinue reading “The Happening (2008)”
The Stuff (1985)
dir. Larry Cohen It’s generally accepted that The Stuff is in on its own joke. The premise is essentially “scary yoghurt” so it’s difficult for anyone to try and take it seriously, after all. But the problem with The Stuff is, in fact, it seems to try and take itself too seriously, despite being fullyContinue reading “The Stuff (1985)”
Theodore Rex (1996)
dir. Jonathan Betuel What the absolute hell even is Theodore Rex? People in this reality actually sat down together and thought, “I know what’d make a great blockbuster – Whoopi Goldberg teaming up with an animatronic dinosaur to fight crime”? The result is exactly as bewildering and surreal as it sounds. Goldberg’s valiant attempts toContinue reading “Theodore Rex (1996)”
Time Changer (2002)
dir. Rich Christiano Imagine a future where we focus more on the morality of what we do, instead of what religion or following it’s attached to. The fundamentals of who we are and what we do aren’t relevant to the faith we follow. Instead, our actions should be taken for what they are, and ourContinue reading “Time Changer (2002)”
Twisted Pair (2018)
dir. Neil Breen This is arguably Neil Breen at his most Breenius self. Visual effects that look like Clip Art put through a rotate effect on Windows Movie Maker? Check. Women used purely as plot devices, because we all know they can’t be anything else? Check. Any excuse for the camera to linger on Breen,Continue reading “Twisted Pair (2018)”
The Circle (2017)
dir. James Ponsoldt At one point in this film, Emma Watson’s character (though “character” is a strong term for someone so devoid of personality) is thrown a bunch of questions by an interviewer. The Circle tries to do the same to its audience: Is technology helpful, or dangerous? Is privacy crucial, or isolating? Unfortunately theContinue reading “The Circle (2017)”
Zapped (2014)
dir. Peter DeLuise In which Zendaya runs around waving a magical mobile phone app at everyone, thereby making the men and boys around her do her bidding. When you think about it this could’ve taken a very dark turn. But it’s a Disney Channel movie, so instead of going down the human slave route, ZendayaContinue reading “Zapped (2014)”
Sharknado (2013)
dir. Anthony C. Ferrante What can possibly be said about Sharknado that hasn’t already been said? It’s all in the title: it’s a tornado, but sharks. That’s the start, the middle and the end. It’s hard to fathom that we live in a world where such a thing as a Sharknado franchise exists, but thisContinue reading “Sharknado (2013)”
S. Darko (2009)
dir. Chris Fisher The girl who plays Donnie’s younger sister Samantha in Donnie Darko reprises her role in S. Darko. She’s the only one who comes back. The rest of the cast and crew have vocally distanced themselves from this idiotic… sequel? Spin-off? Tribute? It’s very difficult to connect S. Darko to Donnie Darko inContinue reading “S. Darko (2009)”
Lost in Space (1998)
dir. Stephen Hopkins In some ways, Lost in Space was doomed to fail. The ’60s TV show it was based on was kitschy and overblown, so the attempt to make a serious sci-fi epic perhaps utilised the wrong source material. Casting Matt LeBlanc as a fighter pilot was possibly the final nail in the coffin.Continue reading “Lost in Space (1998)”
Knowing (2009)
dir. Alex Proyas Another excuse for Nicolas Cage to run around and grimace heavily. Knowing is an apocalyptic sci-fi drama where Cage’s professor protagonist unearths clues from a time capsule which could be predicting future disasters. As he embarks on a mission to foil the final catastrophe, the movie paints itself further and further intoContinue reading “Knowing (2009)”
I Am Here… Now (2009)
dir. Neil Breen In which Neil Breen plays God. Hardly a leap for Neil Breen, who quite obviously considers himself to be God anyway – this time he’s just not sugar-coating it with an alias. Coming down to Earth in human form on a journey to Vegas to punish humankind for their wrong-doing, Breen spendsContinue reading “I Am Here… Now (2009)”
Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)
dir. Cy Roth It’s pretty obvious that Cy Roth – director, producer and writer of Fire Maidens – was thrilled to be making a movie at all. Didn’t matter that the plot was nonsense and visual effects a joke – at least he was making a movie. Five astronauts, making their abundant masculinity known throughContinue reading “Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)”
Double Down (2005)
dir. Neil Breen A Neil Breen special. Surprising no one, Breen stars as the intrepid hero. This time it’s secret agent and hacker Aaron Brand. Aaron is in a bit of a pickle, because he’s become trapped in an interdimensional time loop. How did that happen? Well, it’s because he converted the mind of hisContinue reading “Double Down (2005)”
Fateful Findings (2012)
dir. Neil Breen A Neil Breen classic. One of the Neil Breeniest films to ever Neil Breen, perhaps only outclassed by Twisted Pair. The plot, if it can even be called that, is about as mental as can be expected from Breen: the hero is a hacker-novelist (standard) who unearths government secrets, while also reconnectingContinue reading “Fateful Findings (2012)”
After Earth (2011)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan Although most of the promotion for After Earth desperately tried to conceal that it’s helmed by M. Night Shyamalan, the ruse fails immediately upon simply watching the movie. It so obviously embodies the worst of Shymalan: awkward close-ups, contrived plotting, characters so pretentious they refuse to ever speak in contractions. WillContinue reading “After Earth (2011)”
BMDb 