dir. Aneesh Chaganty It’s about Munchausen’s. That’s not even a spoiler – or it shouldn’t be, because Diane’s (Sarah Paulson) systematic abuse of her chronically ill daughter Chloe (Kiera Allen) is obvious about four minutes into the movie. Yet Run draws this out for an incredibly long time. It starts getting baffling pretty quickly, fromContinue reading “Run (2020)”
Category Archives: Drama
The Village (2004)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan In a remote village, seemingly circa 19th century, inhabitants are terrorised by violent creatures dwelling in the surrounding woods. When it’s necessary to get medicine for an injured resident, Ivy (Bryce Dallas Howard) ventures out to find it. The fact she’s blind is handled extremely poorly – she seems to seeContinue reading “The Village (2004)”
Dear Evan Hansen (2021)
dir. Stephen Chbosky Dear Evan Hansen might well be the best ever example of a film trying so hard to be seen saying something that it says nothing at all. Its musings on teen drama, suicide, mental health, love, family, and maturity are completely undermined by its tick-box approach to each of these concepts. OurContinue reading “Dear Evan Hansen (2021)”
Dream Horse (2020)
dir. Euros Lyn Dream Horse is an absolutely confounding film. Based on a true story, it tells the tale of Dream Alliance, a racehorse bred in a village who beat the odds to become a champion. The film swiftly loses appeal for anyone who is not very, very interested in horseracing, because the attempts toContinue reading “Dream Horse (2020)”
Amsterdam (2022)
dir. David O. Russell Amsterdam is an absolutely inexplicable film, in that it’s very difficult to understand what on earth is going on at any given moment. The twisting, turning plot somehow manages to be convoluted and completely boring at the same time. The characters are so thinly drawn that it’s impossible to care what’sContinue reading “Amsterdam (2022)”
Soul Man (1986)
dir. Steve Miner Soul Man follows Mark, a graduate applying to Harvard Law School who takes skin-tanning pills in order to black up and falsely claim a scholarship for African American students. The film is exactly as horrendous, as unbelievable, as obscene as that sounds. None of the comedy lands, not even for a moment,Continue reading “Soul Man (1986)”
We Are Your Friends (2015)
dir. Max Joseph There are many films which revolve around a close-knit group of friends – it’s a fairly typical set-up. We Are Your Friends sets itself apart by containing quite possibly the most obnoxious, brash, self-entitled group of friends ever depicted in a movie before. At the centre is Cole (Zac Efron), intent onContinue reading “We Are Your Friends (2015)”
The Cell (2000)
dir. Tarsem Singh It is genuinely embarrassing to see how much The Cell is trying versus how little it actually achieves. The story follows child psychologist Catherine (Jennifer Lopez, about as ineffectual as you can imagine) who uses special technology to delve into her patients’ minds through a realm akin to virtual reality. Her skillsContinue reading “The Cell (2000)”
Wicker Park (2004)
dir. Paul McGuigan This should be a fairly simple, straightforward romance about a man becoming reacquainted with his lost love, but Wicker Park turns its central premise into a dizzying rollercoaster ride of insane plot twists, confusing character motivations and terrible direction. A non-linear timeline structure reveals Matt (Josh Harnett) and Lisa (Diane Kruger) brokeContinue reading “Wicker Park (2004)”
Look Both Ways (2022)
dir. Wanuri Kahiu Look Both Ways is but the latest take on the Sliding Doors concept of a person’s life branching off in different potential directions. The movie follows college graduate Natalie across two potential realities: one where she has a baby, and one where she doesn’t. Her life with her baby-daddy is more domestic,Continue reading “Look Both Ways (2022)”
Fullmetal Alchemist: The Final Alchemy (2022)
dir. Fumihiko Sori The Final Alchemy, in a way, achieves something absolutely spectacular. Because Fullmetal Alchemist already had very bad CGI. The Revenge of Scar continued that tradition and boasted similarly terrible CGI. But despite the bar already being so low it’s being melted by the Earth’s core, The Final Alchemy impressively manages to containContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist: The Final Alchemy (2022)”
Fullmetal Alchemist: The Revenge of Scar (2022)
dir. Fumihiko Sori Unbelievably, despite the 2017 live-action Fullmetal Alchemist adaptation being horrendously subpar, somehow it was decided that the saga would continue. The Revenge of Scar continues its predecessor’s penchant for bad wigs, underwhelming action and shoddy CGI. In this instalment we’re following the supposedly epic journey of our villain-turned-ally Scar, whose ceaseless rageContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist: The Revenge of Scar (2022)”
After Ever Happy (2022)
dir. Castille Landon Quite unbelievably, After Ever Happy is the fourth installment in the miserable After series, following After, After We Collided, and After We Fell. Even more unbelievably, the worst thing about After Ever Happy is not its asinine title, but the movie that comes with it, during which our star-crossed duo Tessa andContinue reading “After Ever Happy (2022)”
The Boy Next Door (2015)
dir. Rob Cohen It’s almost impressive just how little of The Boy Next Door works. Recently separated Claire (a woefully underwhelming Jennifer Lopez) finds herself seduced, then stalked, by the eponymous young lad Noah (a hilariously terrible Ryan Guzman). Calling Ryan a “boy” is laughable considering the actor is quite obviously in his late twenties;Continue reading “The Boy Next Door (2015)”
North (1994)
dir. Rob Reiner North already hinges on a stupid premise: a kid named North (Elijah Wood) is fed-up of being underappreciated by his parents, so he legally “divorces” them. Nevermind that the parents demonstrably lavish all sorts of attention and affection on North – the film’s opening credits are set to a montage of hisContinue reading “North (1994)”
Fatal Affair (2020)
dir. Peter Sullivan In Fatal Affair, a successful woman named Ellie meets an old college friend, David. They engage in a very brief amorous encounter before Ellie resists and returns to her life with her husband and daughter. However, David is instantly obsessed, and begins stalking Ellie, basically pursuing every available avenue to get herContinue reading “Fatal Affair (2020)”
Love Actually (2003)
dir. Richard Curtis There is very little to be said about Love Actually‘s many glaring flaws that hasn’t all been said before, but considering this vapid, cloying, frankly harmful film’s still-enduring popularity, much of it bears repeating. Love Actually is almost entirely hinged on the idea of self-deluded men being chronically arrogant, selfish, and shallow,Continue reading “Love Actually (2003)”
Deep Water (2022)
dir. Adrian Lyne Deep Water is just a thoroughly unpleasant film. The story follows Vic (Ben Affleck), the wealthy husband of the alluring and mysterious Melinda (Ana de Armas). They have a young daughter (and they also adopt a dog, who is very cute but contributes nothing to the film at all except making itContinue reading “Deep Water (2022)”
Fear of Rain (2021)
dir. Castille Landon 17-year-old Rain is suffering from early on-set schizophrenia. A new boy at school seems to develop a spontaneous interest in her, but while she’s suffering with chronic delusions, how can Rain know whether he exists or not? This is the premise of an insufferably predictive movie which is far, far less cleverContinue reading “Fear of Rain (2021)”
The Dish & the Spoon (2011)
dir. Alison Bagnall It is genuinely difficult to sum up The Dish & the Spoon in mere words, but some options would include: hideous; disgusting; offensive; baffling; infuriating. The story – far too kind a word – follows late-twenty-something Rose, played by mumblecore darling Greta Gerwig, who’s just discovered her husband has been having anContinue reading “The Dish & the Spoon (2011)”
300 (2006)
dir. Zack Snyder Few people can do testosterone-fuelled nonsensical violence like Zack Snyder. 300, his very loose retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC, is filled with all the classic Snyder tropes. Unnecessarily saturated colour! Going slow-motion then fast-motion then slow-motion again! Men yelling about blood and honour! A single woman given aContinue reading “300 (2006)”
Press Play (2022)
dir. Greg Björkman Unless they’re willing to put in a lot of thought, research and effort, scriptwriters should generally stay away from time travel. Unfortunately, it does not seem as though the writers of Press Play put in even the barest amount of time, research or effort. Some years after Laura’s boyfriend has died, sheContinue reading “Press Play (2022)”
The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012)
dir. Peter Hedges What an utterly bizarre idea for a story. Cindy (Jennifer Garner) and Jim (Joel Edgerton) are unable to conceive, and in their grief, they write a bunch of notes describing their dream child and bury them in the garden. Soon, an unfamiliar boy with leaves growing on his legs has popped upContinue reading “The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012)”
Psycho Stripper / Stripped / Bridal Nightmare (2019)
dir. Jake Helgren It’s seldom a good sign when a movie can’t even decide on its own name, but Psycho Stripper is still pretty straightforward. It’s exactly what its title(s) say it is. Our sweet boring protagonist Amber meets a stripper on her bachelorette party who winds up harbouring a dangerous obsession with her. There’sContinue reading “Psycho Stripper / Stripped / Bridal Nightmare (2019)”
The Princess (2022)
dir. Le-Van Kiet A princess (Joey King) wakes up at the top of a tower and has to use her martial arts skills to battle herself to freedom and save her family. There’s a whole lot of confusion around the story itself – a nobleman is trying to force the princess to marry him soContinue reading “The Princess (2022)”
Crash (2004)
dir. Paul Haggis With contenders like American Beauty, Green Book and CODA, it’s hard to say with absolute certainty what the all-time worst winner of the Oscar for Best Picture is. But there is a very, very strong argument to be made for Crash earning that title. Loosely interconnecting stories bring concepts of bigotry andContinue reading “Crash (2004)”
365 Dni: Ten Dzień / 365 Days: This Day (2022)
dir. Barbara Białowąs, Tomasz Mandes This sequel to the abominable 365 Days is, quite frankly, remarkable. Not because of its central toxic relationship, in which abuse, coercion and manipulation are cast as sexy and desirable. Not because of the silly mobster antics in the background which sometimes seem more like kids play-acting at gangsters thanContinue reading “365 Dni: Ten Dzień / 365 Days: This Day (2022)”
Fantasy Island (2020)
dir. Jeff Wadlow A horror reinvention of the 1970s TV show, Fantasy Island operates on the basic, very well-trodden premise of “Be careful what you wish for”. A group of strangers arrive on the eponymous island, having been promised it has the power to make their deepest dream come true. Of course, everything winds upContinue reading “Fantasy Island (2020)”
365 dni / 365 Days (2020)
dir. Barbara Białowąs, Tomasz Mandes Fifty Shades of Grey really does have a lot to answer for. Had it never existed, perhaps we wouldn’t be saddled with the likes of 365 Days, a movie based around the idea that kidnapping, abuse and coercion aren’t immoral, abhorrent, or harmful – they’re sexy! Our protagonist Laura isContinue reading “365 dni / 365 Days (2020)”
The Truth About Emanuel (2013)
dir. Francesca Gregorini Emanuel (Kaya Scodelario) is a supposedly edgy – indicated by how much she likes to roll her eyes and yell about jerking off – teenager, who has never truly dealt with her feelings of guilt over her birth coinciding with her mother’s death. When Linda (Jessica Biel) moves in next-door with herContinue reading “The Truth About Emanuel (2013)”
The Water Man (2020)
dir. David Oyelowo The strange thing about The Water Man isn’t that somewhere in there, there’s a half-decent film. It’s more that somewhere in there, there are several different half-decent films. There’s a half-decent coming-of-age movie about a boy facing his understanding of mortality. There’s a half-decent movie about the boy exploring his life andContinue reading “The Water Man (2020)”
Old (2021)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan M. Night Shyamalan was having a half-decent run in his partnership with Universal Pictures, releasing the likes of The Visit, Split, and Glass – hardly groundbreaking, but generally well-received. No wonder Old had to come along to mess it all up. The premise is peak Shyamalan madness: a beach makes peopleContinue reading “Old (2021)”
The King’s Daughter (2022)
dir. Sean McNamara The King’s Daughter is ostensibly based on beloved 1997 fantasy novel The Moon and the Sun, but it’s extremely difficult to place the two in the same regard. The book, for example, delved into immersive plotlines to forage meaningful character arcs and relationships. Meanwhile, the film portrays the extent of our heroineContinue reading “The King’s Daughter (2022)”
The Haunting (1999)
dir. Jan de Bont Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House has proved itself successful fodder for screen adaptations, from the 1963 movie The Haunting through to the 2018 TV series The Haunting of Hill House. Unfortunately, 1999’s cinematic iteration managed to produce the antithesis of these retellings: it is devoid of likeable characters, devoidContinue reading “The Haunting (1999)”
The Core (2003)
dir. Jon Amiel The premise of The Core is so profoundly stupid that it’s hard not to laugh. The liquid outer core of the Earth has stopped spinning, so a team of hero scientists needs to drill down to the centre of the planet and set off some nuclear bombs to restore rotation. Incredibly convenientContinue reading “The Core (2003)”
Murder, She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Mystery (2015)
dir. Mark Jean Inexplicably, this is but the first of a series of Murder, She Baked movies. And despite the titles, chocolate chip cookies have nothing whatsoever to do with the story. Baker Hannah utilises her amateur detective skills after her friend and delivery driver is murdered outside her bakery. Of course, none of theContinue reading “Murder, She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Mystery (2015)”
Diana (2021)
dir. Christopher Ashley One of humanity’s greatest failures is that we live in a world where at least two musicals based on Princess Diana exist. This latest imagining manages to make Karen Sokolof Javitch’s terrible amateur theatre production seem somehow more bearable. Because that one had no budget. What this one’s excuse? Judging by theContinue reading “Diana (2021)”
After We Fell (2021)
dir. Castille Landon One begrudging point of credit must go to After We Fell: it’s marginally less annoying than its predecessors After and After We Collided. Sure, our star-crossed lovers Tessa and Hardin still don’t seem to have worked out that deceit, sexual manipulation and aggression aren’t the healthiest foundation for a relationship. And sure,Continue reading “After We Fell (2021)”
Lady in the Water (2006)
dir. M Night Shyamalan The Lady in the Water is but a simple fairy tale. It follows a water nymph Narf – in this case the almighty Madam Narf, named Story – in her quest to find the Writer, or Vessel, so that she may inspire his work of great political change (incidentally, this nobleContinue reading “Lady in the Water (2006)”
Afterlife of the Party (2021)
dir. Stephen Herek Victoria Justice stars as Cassie – a twenty-five-year-old woman who speaks, dresses and behaves like a girl ten years younger – whose life meets with an abrupt end after she somehow drunkenly slams her head on the toilet. She wakes up in the afterlife, is greeted by a guardian angel, and isContinue reading “Afterlife of the Party (2021)”
The Tomorrow War (2021)
dir. Chris McKay Time travel is extremely difficult to tell a coherent story about. Even the best attempts, like Donnie Darko, Palm Springs, Terminator, or Your Name begin to fall apart as soon as underpinning logic is thought about a bit too much. All of those movies work well, though, because of their internal consistencyContinue reading “The Tomorrow War (2021)”
World Trade Center (2006)
dir. Oliver Stone A movie based on the true story of two police officers rescued from under the World Trade Center’s rubble on 9/11 needs to be handled with care, sensitivity, and a consistent commitment to realism. Yet World Trade Center doesn’t really do any of this. Half of the movie is too dark toContinue reading “World Trade Center (2006)”
The Silence (2019)
dir. John R. Leonetti The Silence follows a deaf girl and her family as they strive to survive an onslaught from mysterious creatures who cannot see, but navigate and hunt by sound. The comparisons to 2018’s A Quiet Place are too obvious to detail, but The Silence doesn’t stop there. The main characters’ insistence onContinue reading “The Silence (2019)”
Radio Rebel (2012)
dir. Peter Howitt Radio Rebel follows the story of shy young student Tara (Debby Ryan), who secretly runs an online radio show as Radio Rebel, using her persona to enthuse and inspire the local teenage masses. It is difficult to fathom how Radio Rebel has earned such a devoted following, seeing as Tara herself isContinue reading “Radio Rebel (2012)”
After We Collided (2020)
dir. Roger Kumble After ends on our star-crossed lovers reuniting. The opening of After We Collided reveals this never actually happened after all, and the star-crossed lovers did not, actually, reunite. After We Collided then goes on to recount how the star-crossed lovers did, in fact, reunite. After We Collided and indeed the whole sorryContinue reading “After We Collided (2020)”
After (2019)
dir. Jenny Gage The tragic fact that After is adapted from a book which in turn served as Wattpad fanfiction based on Harry Styles still underserves how atrocious, insulting, and downright dangerous a film it really is. Our insipid heroine Tessa goes to college and falls for the supposedly mysterious and alluring Hardon Scott, whoContinue reading “After (2019)”
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
dir. Patty Jenkins Wonder Woman 1984 (WW84) doesn’t feel like it has anything even slightly to do with 2017’s Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman was a rare success for the DCEU, managing to tell a story with a compelling protagonist, strong emotional stakes, blistering action and just the right level of humour. Fundamentally, it straddled aContinue reading “Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)”
Christmas Wonderland (2018)
dir. Sean Olson There is truly nothing that can be said about Christmas Wonderland that hasn’t already been said about all the generic Hallmark Christmas films. Our heroine Heidi returns to her quaint little home town which she left behind to pursue her big city dreams – in this case, being an assistant at anContinue reading “Christmas Wonderland (2018)”
Nest of Vampires (2021)
dir. Chris Sanders Nest of Vampires follows Kit Valentine, an MI5 agent pursuing a human trafficking ring which has kidnapped his daughter. Said human trafficking ring thrives on selling young girls to Satanic cult members for some generic ritualistic butchering, for which there is apparently a large market yet barely any police investigation into beyondContinue reading “Nest of Vampires (2021)”
Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale / Belle and the Beast: A Christian Romance (2007)
dir. B.J. Alexander, Brian Brough We’ve had the sulky YA version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beastly. We’ve had the shiny rom-com version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beauty and the Briefcase. Now, we get the preachy Christian version of Beauty and the Beast, with Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale. InContinue reading “Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale / Belle and the Beast: A Christian Romance (2007)”
Runaway Romance (2018)
dir. Brian Herzlinger Runaway Romance‘s whole shtick is that it’s a romance set in Amish Country. A beleaguered reality TV star runs away from LA and finds herself in a quiet rural community free from the trappings of modern life. Except they all use cars. And electricity. And the internet. They’re all sort of half-AmishContinue reading “Runaway Romance (2018)”
Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)
dir. Fumihiko Sori The really disappointing thing about the live-action Fullmetal Alchemist is the fact that the source material is amazing. The 2000s manga and anime series told the tragic tale of brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric with beautiful visuals, complex character development, and meticulous storyline pacing. That last one is especially crucial when youContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist (2017)”
Wild Mountain Thyme (2020)
dir. John Patrick Shanley Wild Mountain Thyme got a lot of bad publicity before its release, primarily due to its performers’ terrible Irish accents as showcased in the movie trailer. The accents are certainly bad, but they’re probably the least egregious part of the entire film. This love story between neighbours Rosemary (Emily Blunt) andContinue reading “Wild Mountain Thyme (2020)”
Obsessed (2009)
dir. Steve Shill Obsessed should honestly be appealing by default – plot aside, the leads are played by Idris Elba and Beyoncé, who almost certainly embody the most good-looking couple ever seen on screen. It’s also totally believable that Idris Elba’s colleague would be so infatuated with him to the point of – title dropContinue reading “Obsessed (2009)”
The Oxford Murders (2008)
dir. Álex de la Iglesia The Oxford Murders doesn’t just think it’s smart. It thinks it’s the smartest movie ever known to humankind. It thinks no one can handle just how smart it is. Unfortunately, no matter what The Oxford Murders thinks of itself, the truth is it might be one of the stupidest filmsContinue reading “The Oxford Murders (2008)”
Prime (2005)
dir. Ben Younger Prime is ostensibly a rom-com but it’s very low on humour. The premise alluded to in the title is the fact that the main character Rafi, played by Uma Thurman, is 37 – past her prime, so to speak, because everyone knows life ends at 30 – and begins dating a 23-year-old.Continue reading “Prime (2005)”
Red Eye (2005)
dir. Wes Craven Both Rachel McAdams and Cillian Murphy are usually consistently brilliant performers, but there’s an exception to every rule. Murphy is especially bewildering in this film – he stars as the antagonist, blackmailing Rachel McAdams’ Lisa on a plane, and by the end he’s genuinely rasping and snarling like an angry monster that’sContinue reading “Red Eye (2005)”
Rodeo and Juliet (2015)
dir. Thadd Turner A woman and her daughter move from the big city to the country. They learn how to loosen up and love life with the help of horses and cowboys. Yeah, it’s a horse movie. The mother is initially planning to sell the ranch she’s inherited, but her ice cold heart is meltedContinue reading “Rodeo and Juliet (2015)”
Roxi (2005)
dir. Mike Murphy Roxi is an experience. All signs point to it having been an impromptu project filmed on holiday. The acting is dreadful – clearly the director’s friends rather than any actual professionals. The filming is shoddy enough to have been done on someone’s ancient camera phone they found in a shoebox in theContinue reading “Roxi (2005)”
The Fanatic (2019)
dir. Fred Durst The Fanatic is kind of astounding. It stars John Travolta as an autistic man who becomes obsessed with a celebrity, to the point of stalking him. Unfortunately Travolta – and Durst – seem to believe autism is most accurately conveyed by trembling, whining, hunching your shoulders, and going out of your wayContinue reading “The Fanatic (2019)”
The Last Airbender (2010)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan Avatar: The Last Airbender is a truly incredible TV show. It’s marketed as a kids’ show but has tons of appeal for kids and adults alike. Fascinating characters, a complex world, an engrossing story, beautiful colours and shots, an entrancing score. It’s an incredible feat of storytelling. The best way toContinue reading “The Last Airbender (2010)”
The Lucky One (2012)
dir. Scott Hicks If you enjoy watching a man walk and walk and walk in silence, you’ll enjoy the first part of this film. If you enjoy a man infiltrating a family, community and life he rightly has nothing to do with, you’ll enjoy the middle part of this film. If you enjoy a melodramaticContinue reading “The Lucky One (2012)”
The Snowman (2017)
dir. Tomas Alfredson Disclaimer: Jo Nesbø’s Harry Hole book series is amazing, and The Snowman is one of its best entries. Now that’s out of the way, we can turn to the fact that this 2017 adaptation is one of the most idiotic films ever put together. The difficulty is, the script really heavily reliesContinue reading “The Snowman (2017)”
Time Changer (2002)
dir. Rich Christiano Imagine a future where we focus more on the morality of what we do, instead of what religion or following it’s attached to. The fundamentals of who we are and what we do aren’t relevant to the faith we follow. Instead, our actions should be taken for what they are, and ourContinue reading “Time Changer (2002)”
Tiptoes (2003)
dir. Matthew Bright Tiptoes genuinely has to be seen to be believed. It’s remarkable that people thought the best way to tell a serious, insightful movie about dwarfism was to ask Gary Oldman to spend an entire movie on his knees. It’s especially baffling when you consider that there are actual dwarf actors in theContinue reading “Tiptoes (2003)”
Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000)
dir. Rakesh Roshan Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai is one of those Bollywood movies that they seemingly made up as they went. He’s a musician! She has a new car! They’re on a boat! They’re stuck on a desert island! He’s… dead? But it’s okay, because his exact lookalike lives in New Zealand and seamlessly stepsContinue reading “Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000)”
Twisted Pair (2018)
dir. Neil Breen This is arguably Neil Breen at his most Breenius self. Visual effects that look like Clip Art put through a rotate effect on Windows Movie Maker? Check. Women used purely as plot devices, because we all know they can’t be anything else? Check. Any excuse for the camera to linger on Breen,Continue reading “Twisted Pair (2018)”
The Circle (2017)
dir. James Ponsoldt At one point in this film, Emma Watson’s character (though “character” is a strong term for someone so devoid of personality) is thrown a bunch of questions by an interviewer. The Circle tries to do the same to its audience: Is technology helpful, or dangerous? Is privacy crucial, or isolating? Unfortunately theContinue reading “The Circle (2017)”
Water for Elephants (2011)
dir. Francis Lawrence This entire film can be summed up by listening to its music. Tiny little piano clinks and and lingering chords of muted wonder, i.e. a tepid soundtrack to match a tepid film. Profoundly ineffectual and forgettable. Even Christoph Waltz doesn’t seem to be sure of what he’s doing there, as the scriptContinue reading “Water for Elephants (2011)”
The Wicker Man (2006)
dir. Neil LaBute The original The Wicker Man has complex characters portrayed by talented actors; a subtle yet invasive sense of growing dread; and a climax of such viciously casual ruthlessness that it practically managed to redefine the whole genre of horror. This version of The Wicker Man has Nicolas Cage punching women, dressing upContinue reading “The Wicker Man (2006)”
Showgirls (1995)
dir. Paul Verhoeven Showgirls is unbelievable. It genuinely cannot be believed. The director of Total Recall and Basic Instinct helms while Jessie from Saved by the Bell stars as a stripper falling into the seedier underbelly of Las Vegas, soundtracked by Prince songs that characters in the movie claim they wrote themselves? It just can’tContinue reading “Showgirls (1995)”
Secret Obsession (2019)
dir. Peter Sullivan Considering the “reveal” can be seen coming from miles off, the obsession perhaps isn’t quite as secret as the movie thinks. Taking its cue from stories like Before I Go to Sleep, it hinges on the protagonist suffering from bad amnesia, and therefore having to trust that the people around her areContinue reading “Secret Obsession (2019)”
S. Darko (2009)
dir. Chris Fisher The girl who plays Donnie’s younger sister Samantha in Donnie Darko reprises her role in S. Darko. She’s the only one who comes back. The rest of the cast and crew have vocally distanced themselves from this idiotic… sequel? Spin-off? Tribute? It’s very difficult to connect S. Darko to Donnie Darko inContinue reading “S. Darko (2009)”
Lost in Space (1998)
dir. Stephen Hopkins In some ways, Lost in Space was doomed to fail. The ’60s TV show it was based on was kitschy and overblown, so the attempt to make a serious sci-fi epic perhaps utilised the wrong source material. Casting Matt LeBlanc as a fighter pilot was possibly the final nail in the coffin.Continue reading “Lost in Space (1998)”
Lord of War (2005)
dir. Andrew Niccol Lord of War begins with a slow panning shot over a giant collection of bullets, This is a pretty unabashed set-up for the whole film. Nicolas Cage and Jared Leto play two Ukrainian brothers who go into arms dealing, with hotshot Interpol agent Ethan Hawke on their trail. Lord of War proclaimsContinue reading “Lord of War (2005)”
Les Misérables (2012)
dir. Tom Hooper Because of wins for Best Supporting Actress, Best Makeup and Hairstyling, and Best Sound Mixing, Les Misérables can legitimately call itself an Oscar-winning movie. It’s a real shame, because it’s really not very good. As a rule the best musicals are a bit overblown, but Tom Hooper takes this to hilarious extremes,Continue reading “Les Misérables (2012)”
Left Behind (2014)
dir. Vic Armstrong Who doesn’t want an apocalyptic thriller starring the equally impactful acting forces of Nicolas Cage and Chad Michael Murray? This one involves half the people in the world suddenly disappearing, well before Thanos made the idea mainstream. The ultimate point of Left Behind is a difficult one to ascertain – the toneContinue reading “Left Behind (2014)”
I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)
dir. Steve Race If you took an average person and informed them that a film exists starring Ja Rule as a drug dealer who falls in love with a church-going woman, they simply would not believe you. If you informed them that Michael Madsen and Vincent Pastore i.e. Big Pussy Bonpensiero are also in theContinue reading “I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)”
I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
dir. Chris Sivertson In a way, any film’s first foot forward is its title. It’s apparent quite quickly, then, that I Know Who Killed Me is pretentious, unnecessary, and makes no sense. Lindsay Lohan channels Showgirls as she pouts and lapdances while brooding over how terrible everything is. She finds herself badly injured and goesContinue reading “I Know Who Killed Me (2007)”
I Am Here… Now (2009)
dir. Neil Breen In which Neil Breen plays God. Hardly a leap for Neil Breen, who quite obviously considers himself to be God anyway – this time he’s just not sugar-coating it with an alias. Coming down to Earth in human form on a journey to Vegas to punish humankind for their wrong-doing, Breen spendsContinue reading “I Am Here… Now (2009)”
House at the End of the Street (2012)
dir. Mark Tonderai Jennifer Lawrence plays an emotionally intuitive teenage girl who moves to a new neighbourhood with her mother. We know she’s emotionally intuitive not because she offers clever insights or friendly support to those around her, but because she sits around playing banal songs on her guitar. She befriends the brother of aContinue reading “House at the End of the Street (2012)”
Her Best Move (2007)
dir. Norm Hunter A teenage girl has to balance sports, friends, family, romance, and education. That’s the movie. Just, y’know, life. Despite the central conceit of – gasp! A girl playing football – the film is pretty generic, with each character stepping into their moulded place: Encouraging Best Friend, Eager Father, Sympathetic Mother, Boyfriendy Boyfriend.Continue reading “Her Best Move (2007)”
Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)
dir. Ron Oliver Anyone even vaguely acquainted with Harriet the Spy will immediately wonder what the hell it has to do with blogging. This version ages Harriet up to 16; one would think she’d be over the fairly childish spy games by this age, but ostensibly not. Therefore her “spying” just comes across a lotContinue reading “Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)”
Gordy (1995)
dir. Mark Lewis Gordy pulls off the incredible feat of being a rip-off of Babe, despite the fact that it actually came out a few months before Babe did. It still feels like a cheap imitation, though. A small talking farm pig becomes famous – why did two of these movies get released in 1995,Continue reading “Gordy (1995)”
Gooby (2009)
dir. Wilson Coneybeare This alleged heart-warming coming-of-age tale is one of the most downright terrifying films to ever exist. A boy – who is way too old for the silly stick drawings of aliens he produces in his spare time – meets his childhood teddy bear, Gooby, come to life. Gooby is frankly one ofContinue reading “Gooby (2009)”
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)
dir. Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor Sadly, Spirit of Vengeance isn’t quite as much fun as the first Ghost Rider. By this time they really embraced how utterly ludicrous the whole Ghost Rider concept is, and dial everything to 11. Exorcisms, demons, explosions – it’s all designed to be as outlandish as possible. But Nicolas Cage,Continue reading “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)”
Ghost Rider (2007)
dir. Mark Steven Johnson A man sells his soul, and technically gets his side of the bargain, but it’s underpinned with tragic consequences. He hurtles himself into a void of risk-taking and self-destruction, with his old childhood sweetheart being his only potential source of salvation. His old demons come back to haunt him, as heContinue reading “Ghost Rider (2007)”
Double Down (2005)
dir. Neil Breen A Neil Breen special. Surprising no one, Breen stars as the intrepid hero. This time it’s secret agent and hacker Aaron Brand. Aaron is in a bit of a pickle, because he’s become trapped in an interdimensional time loop. How did that happen? Well, it’s because he converted the mind of hisContinue reading “Double Down (2005)”
Fateful Findings (2012)
dir. Neil Breen A Neil Breen classic. One of the Neil Breeniest films to ever Neil Breen, perhaps only outclassed by Twisted Pair. The plot, if it can even be called that, is about as mental as can be expected from Breen: the hero is a hacker-novelist (standard) who unearths government secrets, while also reconnectingContinue reading “Fateful Findings (2012)”
Fanaa (2006)
dir. Kunal Kohli Some pretty typical Bollywood shenanigans in this one. A blind girl falls in love with a man, and even sleeps with him, getting pregnant before marriage. Scandalous enough, but then the audience discover he is a terrorist. Then the man dies. Then Then the blind girl gets her lifelong blindness magically cured.Continue reading “Fanaa (2006)”
Baazigar (1993)
dir. Abbas-Mustan Baazigar as a film can be summarised quite well by its titular song. Kajol’s character has met Shah Rukh Khan’s character and, unaware that he’s currently in a relationship with her sister (Shilpa Shetty), indulges in a fantasy sequence about his many charms. During the song, he’s portrayed as a matador. He alsoContinue reading “Baazigar (1993)”
Cyberbully (2011)
dir. Charles Binamé Where to even start with Cyberbully? It demonstrably believes itself to be a feature-length PSA, one which tugs at the heartstrings and imparts a valuable lesson. That lesson? Cyberbullying is bad. The thing with Cyberbully is, as it features vapid teenagers catfishing and slinging insults on some Facebook rip-off called Cliquesters, itContinue reading “Cyberbully (2011)”
Catwoman (2004)
dir. Pitof Catwoman follows the story of Patience, a shy and unassuming designer who unearths a conspiracy at the cosmetics company she works at. So she gets murdered. But it’s okay – a bunch of cats bring her back to life as a pseudo-cat, a “cat woman” if you will. Catwoman is truly one ofContinue reading “Catwoman (2004)”
C Me Dance (2009)
dir. Greg Robbins Why is it a “C” instead of “See”? Perhaps it stands for something. What could “C” stand for in this movie? Well, it’s a diehard Christian movie, so it could be Christian me Dance? Church Me Dance? Christ Me Dance? It follows a teenage ballet artist, Sheri, who discovers she has aContinue reading “C Me Dance (2009)”
Burlesque (2010)
dir. Steven Antin So much of Burlesque, from the title to Alan Cummings’ shameless Emcee character, is obviously lifted from Cabaret. Yet it would be difficult to find a movie further away from the intelligent style and substance of Cabaret. Christina Aguilera plays Ali, a woman who perfects her burlesque performance skills seemingly by wanderingContinue reading “Burlesque (2010)”
Breaking Dawn (2004)
dir. Mark Edwin Robinson Not to be confused with Breaking Dawn. Ahem. This non-vampire Breaking Dawn follows a medical student exploring the murder of a mental patient’s mother. Predictably, the patient’s psychosis begins to affect the medical student, as she finds herself wondering whether the supernatural figures she starts seeing are real, or whether she’sContinue reading “Breaking Dawn (2004)”
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)
dir. Sam Firstenberg The title that launched a thousand memes. Three street dancers attempt to stop the demolition of a local community centre that the big bad establishment want to turn into that hive of greed and vice, a shopping mall. Obviously this is a standard tale of the little guy facing the man, andContinue reading “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)”
Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 (2017)
dir. Justin MacGregor Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 is quite, quite mad. It was always going to be. It’s the first time Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero starred in a movie together, 15 years after The Room. Sestero plays a homeless drifter who meets a peculiar mortician – played by Tommy Wiseau, he sort of looksContinue reading “Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 (2017)”
Best F(r)iends: Volume 2 (2018)
dir. Justin MacGregor Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 manages to strike the right tone between compelling and offputtingly insane. Unfortunately, Volume 2 begins veering more decisively towards the latter. Greg Sestero spends much of it frowning or staring vacantly, as deception after deception by the people around him is unveiled. Turns out he perhaps should haveContinue reading “Best F(r)iends: Volume 2 (2018)”
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
dir. Zack Snyder It’s boring. It’s just excruciatingly boring. Dawn of Justice takes DC’s biggest superheroes and makes them scowl and snarl at each other under dark cloudy skies. For two and a half hours. Neither Ben Affleck as Batman nor Henry Cavill as Superman seem as though they remotely want to be there –Continue reading “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)”
Sherlock Holmes (2010)
dir. Rachel Lee Goldenberg Sherlock Holmes is an adaptation of the classic sleuth mysteries, this time made by The Asylum. The very same production house behind classics like Sharknado and Age of the Hobbits as well as such mockbusters as Sunday School Musical. Naturally, this version of Sherlock Holmes contains all the effort and careContinue reading “Sherlock Holmes (2010)”
A Fall From Grace (2020)
dir. David Cronenberg This Tyler Perry Netflix original became infamous pretty much the second it was released, simply due to how awful it is. The plot follows a public defender who takes on the case of a woman accused of murdering her husband. Incredible, then, that A Fall from Grace takes a premise so seriousContinue reading “A Fall From Grace (2020)”
A Dangerous Method (2011)
dir. David Cronenberg Such an intriguing premise, yet such an idiotic film. A Dangerous Method explores the relationship between Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, and Sabina Spielrein. Whilst Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen turn in solid performances as the former two, any of Keira Knightley’s efforts as Spielrein are kind of lost in her dreadful RussianContinue reading “A Dangerous Method (2011)”
Fifty Shades of Grey
dir. Sam Taylor-Johnson Everyone already knows how awful Fifty Shades of Grey is. The book; the movie franchise; even the franchise it was based off, Twilight. It’s terrible. This inaugural cinematic instalment is just as stupid, just as manipulative, just as pathetic as everything else with the Fifty Shades label on it. Dakota Johnson playsContinue reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”
Cats (2019)
dir. Tom Hooper Wow. Just, wow. There is nothing, not a single thing, about Cats that is good. It’s a genuine marvel that not one aspect was done right, even accidentally. The mere conceit was never going to work – because of the frankly insane premise and the focus on spectacle over substance, the originalContinue reading “Cats (2019)”
The Room (2003)
dir. Tommy Wiseau It’s simply the best! Better than all the rest! There’s a reason The Room has gone down in history as the best worst movie of all time: because it simply is. Everything about The Room is just the perfect level of pure ineptitude. Tommy Wiseau, proud director and producer and writer andContinue reading “The Room (2003)”
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