Category Archives: Romance

dir. Seth Henrikson Watching Pottersville is, quite frankly, a dizzying experience. The plot is utterly off the rails, beginning with the owner of a general store in idyllic Pottersville discovering his wife is a furry, part of a “furry sex club” along with the town sheriff and many other locals. As this wasn’t already bizarreContinue reading “Pottersville (2017)”

dir. Will Speck, Josh Gordon The Switch is quite frankly a disgusting film. Disgusting in a moral sense, disgusting in a physical sense – just an all-round nauseating experience. Kassie (Jennifer Aniston) is in her late thirties and keen to have a child, so she decides to search for a sperm donor. Her best friendContinue reading “The Switch (2010)”

dir. Brandon Camp In Love and Gelato, high school graduate Lina grants her deceased mother’s wishes by visiting Italy the summer before she starts college. Cue a clichéd, cloying adventure in which she finds herself, and quite possibly true love too. Lina is the absolute peak the of frazzled rom-com “every girl” heroine archetype: sheContinue reading “Love and Gelato (2022)”

dir. Talulah Riley The mere existence of Scottish Mussel beggars belief. Talulah Riley, star of St Trinian’s and twice ex-wife of Elon Musk, decided to write, direct, and star in a romantic comedy about a Glaswegian slacker and his zany sidekicks who enter the high-stakes world of illegal mussel pearl theft. Our protagonist falls hopelesslyContinue reading “Scottish Mussel (2015)”

dir. Prarthana Mohan In Christmas is Cancelled, twenty-something-year-old Emma is appalled to discover her fifty-something-year-old widower father Jack has been dating her former neighbour, high school classmate and “frenemy”, twenty-something-year-old Brandy. Rather than treating Emma’s shock with sensitivity and patience, Jack and Brandy instead practically bludgeon her over the head with this new state ofContinue reading “Christmas is Cancelled (2021)”

dir. Hernán Jiménez Churning out insipid rom-coms is practically a compulsion for Netflix, so the existence of Love Hard comes as no surprise. A woman on the west coast matches with a man on the east coast in a dating app, only to spontaneously visit him and learn he looks nothing like he claimed. AndContinue reading “Love Hard (2021)”

dir. Marco Schnabel This is a 2008 film starring Mike Myers as an Indian sex and relationships guru. Was it ever going to go well, in any conceivable reality? Even if Mike Myers himself wasn’t so corrosively irritating – lisping in a pseudo-Eastern European accent which doesn’t sound remotely Indian, and talking at the cameraContinue reading “The Love Guru (2008)”

dir. John Whitesell With Holidate, humankind finally has a movie brave enough to acknowledge the desperate pain and shame we all fear if we don’t have a date on Cinco de Mayo. The premise – generic white woman Sloane meets generic white man Jackson, and the two agree to be each other’s dates for holidaysContinue reading “Holidate (2020)”

dir. Tom Gormican That Awkward Moment follows Jason (Zac Efron), a smug chronic bachelor who has his world turned upside-down when he meets his very own manic pixie dream girl, Ellie (Imogen Poots). It’s about as clichéd as every single other male-led rom-com in the world, except That Awkward Moment‘s desperation to distinguish itself isContinue reading “That Awkward Moment (2014)”

dir. Jeff Lowell It claims to be a romantic comedy. A cursory glance at the poster, all bright colours and goofy faces, certainly makes it look like a romantic comedy. But how can a film like Over Her Dead Body truly be classed as a romantic comedy? A romantic comedy only needs two things: romanceContinue reading “Over Her Dead Body (2008)”

dir. Don McBrearty Anyone going into this film would assume it’s a modern take on the Jane Austen classic novel, with a Christmas twist. They would be wrong. Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe, aside from calling its protagonist “Darcy”, has basically nothing to do with Pride and Prejudice. It doesn’t even really involve very much mistletoe.Continue reading “Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (2018)”

dir. Michael Robison The title is all about the protagonist’s shoe addiction, yet they seem to forget about it for massive stretches of the film. And when they remember it, the shoes she wears are so hideous that it’s hard to fathom why she’s so keen on them. In this movie, the shoes are magicalContinue reading “A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (2018)”

dir. Michael Tiddes Groundhog Day, but starring a naked Wayans brother. That’s the entire movie, although “movie” is a strong word for this one. In essence, this time it’s about a man who’s got cold feet over his wedding, but reliving his wedding day repeatedly makes him realise just how much he wants to commit.Continue reading “Naked (2017)”

dir. James Hayman At first glance you’d be forgiven for thinking this was an attempt to rip off Bridesmaids, banking on the hope that people would confuse the two. But nope, because this one actually came out a year before Bridesmaids did, so there’s really no excuse for the fact it feels like a cheapContinue reading “Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)”

dir. Anne Fletcher Like so many lazy rom-coms, The Proposal tries to convince its audience that two people with no chemistry or rapport can fall in love if they just fake a romance for long enough. In this case, it’s a green card romance, and gives the film an excuse to remain in Sitka, AlaskaContinue reading “The Proposal (2009)”

dir. Robert Allan Ackerman Brittany Murphy was a uniquely talented actor, and she certainly tries her very best in The Ramen Girl. Sadly, she’s the only consistently good thing about it. The rest of the movie mostly revolves around how mystical and spiritual Japanese people are, so Brittany Murphy’s Abby is able to heal herselfContinue reading “The Ramen Girl (2008)”

dir. Judd Apatow The title is more apt than they probably realised. The real shame of it all is, Amy Schumer can be funny – it’s definitely happened once or twice. Frustratingly this is not one of those times. Trainwreck‘s insistence on typical tropes – the woman has daddy issues! The guy has a blackContinue reading “Trainwreck (2015)”

dir. Donald Petrie It’s not even Little Italy in New York. It’s set in Toronto. Okay. The confusion only escalates from there, with such madnesses to contend with as: the saga of two warring, neighbouring pizza restaurants; a septuagenarian love story; a professional chef who never cooks; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisable Italian accent; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisableContinue reading “Little Italy (2018)”

dir. Mark Jean A wedding planner whose usual clientele (judging by the ostentatious yet tasteless occasions she throws) seem to consist solely of very dim billionaires. Then she runs into a man who believes that – CONTROVERSIAL – maybe weddings don’t have to cost a couple every last penny they have. These two seem soContinue reading “Ms Matched (2016)”

dir. Garry Marshall One of the Love Actually knock-offs which dares to ask the incredible question, “What if a city has a bunch of different people in it, but some of them actually know each other?” This groundbreaking premise is built upon with fleeting scenes where cut-and-paste characters waltz through the standard will-they-won’t-they clichés. There’sContinue reading “Valentine’s Day (2010)”

dir. Allan Harmon The most egregious thing about it is bacon isn’t even all that heavily featured. Yes, the love interest (who looks like the brother – unsettling) owns a bacon truck. But the entire plot is hinged on persimmons. It’s all about buying the right persimmons, bacon and persimmon sandwiches, persimmons persimmons persimmons. YourContinue reading “You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)”

dir. Sheree Folkson It is difficult to fathom what talented people like Kelly McDonald, David Tennant, Alice Eve, and Dylan Moran are doing in The Decoy Bride. They’re not acting – no one really does that in this film. The story follows a Scottish woman who stands in for a Hollywood celebrity at her wedding,Continue reading “The Decoy Bride (2011)”

dir. Jim Field Smith One of those films that pretends it’s all about how beauty isn’t just found in physical appearances, then spends the entire runtime scrutinising and judging people’s physical appearances. It’s a thoroughly mean-spirited story, with everyone treating each other pretty poorly. At one point, Alice Eve’s “10/10” character admits her dark secret:Continue reading “She’s Out of My League (2010)”

dir. Michael Patrick King This film makes it abundantly clear that Sex and the City was never supposed to be in cinemas. The antics of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha were perfect for the small screen: a bit of escapism each week, a little “story of the week” while allowing for long-form arcs. Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City (2008)”

dir. Shirley Frimpong-Manso Potato Potahto is about two people who are forced to keep living together after a divorce. Presumably the title refers to how the two of them are different yet the same, but the title is never actually referred to in the movie at any point so that’s pure conjecture. Either way, ifContinue reading “Potato Potahto (2017)”

dir. Garry Marshall Like Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve is another film where Garry Marshall follows around a bunch of insipid nobodies in an attempt to rip off Love Actually. It’s very difficult to understand why anyone would want to rip off Love Actually to begin with, but here we are. This one really triesContinue reading “New Year’s Eve (2011)”

dir. Gil Junger One of those ABC Family movies that is almost entirely dependent on the premise that being single is the worst, most disgusting thing in the world. Sabrina the Teenage Witch meets Joey from Blossom during a wedding at, shock horror, the singles table. At first, they’re scathing about the opulent gifts andContinue reading “My Fake Fiancé (2009)”

dir. Fen Tian It’s painful, the knowledge that our world is a place where the fever dream that is Love on the Leash can be classed as a real film. It’s a 2011 production, but the filming quality is so bad that watching it at home feels like putting on a home movie from theContinue reading “Love on a Leash (2011)”

dir. Paul Feig It’s pretty obvious that they just said, “Let’s take a bunch of George Michael songs” and then built a movie around them, but that’s far from being the most egregious part of Last Christmas. Emilia Clarke stomps around London, destroying her friends’ possessions and putting her boss’ workplace at risk of theft.Continue reading “Last Christmas (2019)”

dir. Lara Shapiro The premise of Labor Pains is a woman lies about being pregnant in order to protect her job. It is extremely difficult to come up with an idea more jaded than that. It could have been a thoughtful drama or a complex character study, but instead Labor Pains maintains it’s all inContinue reading “Labor Pains (2009)”

dir. Donald Petrie Lindsay Lohan plays a woman with permanent good fortune, while Chris Pine is a man with chronically bad luck. They kiss at a masked ball, and suddenly their situations swap. Oh no! Now Lindsay Lohan must find Chris Pine and kiss him again, to get her good luck back. The film isContinue reading “Just My Luck (2006)”

dir. Deanne Foley Lexy is a woman. She’s also FAT! She owns a B&B in Nova Scotia. She is also FAT! She needs to find a date to her sister’s wedding, but of course no one will date her, because she’s FAT! In case you forgot for a split-second, remember – she is also FAT!Continue reading “Relative Happiness (2014)”

dir. Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein I Feel Pretty really hinges itself on the absolute worst of Amy Schumer’s comedy. The type when all you see is a conventionally attractive white woman bemoaning how fat, ugly and weird she is. In I Feel Pretty, Schumer’s character Renee gets concussed and suddenly believes herself to be aContinue reading “I Feel Pretty (2018)”

dir. Martin Brest Obviously, Gigli is disgusting. Jennifer Lopez playing a lesbian character who winds up so enamoured with Ben Affleck’s mobster charms that she turns straight for him? It’s an insult. Especially when the supposed sexy chemistry is conveyed by moments such as Lopez spreading her legs and whispering “It’s turkey time – gobbleContinue reading “Gigli (2003)”

dir. Roger Kumble One of those rom-coms that proudly proclaims being a city girl is inherently a soulless and terrible thing, and so all women seeking happiness need to move to “the country”. In this case it’s taken to extremes. Christina Milian plays Gabriela, who necks about three bottles of wine before entering a contestContinue reading “Falling Inn Love (2019)”

dir. Tom Dey Pretty much nothing about Failure to Launch adds up to a coherent message. It’s firmly suggested that a grown man living at home is a pathetic waste of space, but then it’s acknowledged he may have a decent reason for doing so, like grief. But then he’s encouraged to move out anyway.Continue reading “Failure to Launch (2006)”

dir. Ken Marino Okay, so, it’s Love Actually, but with dogs. An ensemble cast with interweaving romantic storylines – but the majority of the “interweaving” is simply that they all use the same vet. It’s a pretty lazy conceit. Obviously the characters are all bland stereotypes. Obviously there’s a creepy incel who we’re supposed toContinue reading “Dog Days (2018)”

dir. Gary Winick Bride Wars is a serious contender for being the most mean-spirited film ever made. Two childhood best friends transform into shrieking manipulative banshees, wholly consumed in their hatred for one another. Why? Because they each want to be the first one to get married. This apparently justifies all manner of sabotage, includingContinue reading “Bride Wars (2009)”

dir. James Keach Blind Dating is, frankly, offensive. It’s just offensive. You’d think there’d be something of value in a movie centring a disabled character and exploring an interracial romance, but, well, there is not. Chris Pine’s Danny is a man, blind from birth, who’s mocked by his peers for being a virgin at 22.Continue reading “Blind Dating / Blind Guy Driving (2006)”

dir. Gil Junger Pretty standard tale of a woman growing close to a man under false pretences, only to realise that real feelings are blooming. This time, Hilary Duff plays an aspiring fashion journalist, who sort of falls into a job at a faceless corporate enterprise. Her intention is to date businessmen, presumably to padContinue reading “Beauty and the Briefcase (2010)”

dir. Cameron Crowe Good God, Aloha is a hard one. Bradley Cooper plays an ex-Air Force officer on a trip to Hawaii. In this film publicly promoted as a romantic comedy, our hero is supposed to oversee the launch of a weapons satellite (?!). Later he uses the mass destructive power of sonic waves toContinue reading “Aloha (2015)”

dir. Phil Traill All About Steve stars Sandra Bullock as the frankly unhinged protagonist, Mary. The movie tries to paint her as an immature but misunderstood loner, who just longs for someone to love. Therefore, her rapid descent into full-on harassment and stalking is meant to be a charming personality quirk, rather than a reasonContinue reading “All About Steve (2009)”

dir. Griffin Dunne An uptight, meticulous woman (Uma Thurman) finds her life thrown off orbit by a good-looking but oh-so-unorthodox man (Jeffrey Dean Morgan). He’s just so wrong for her. Or is he…?! The Accidental Husband has the essential foundation of pretty much every rom-com ever. This one leans heavy into the clichés, including aContinue reading “The Accidental Husband (2008)”

dir. Ron Lagomarsino One of the two, entirely separate “Christina Milian stars in a movie where a woman gets stuck in a snow globe” movies, the other being A Snow Globe Christmas. It’s unclear why Milian decided to do two of these, seeing as this first one, Snowglobe, is a vapid, cutesy affair which evenContinue reading “Snowglobe (2007)”

dir. Jodi Binstock One of the two, entirely separate “Christina Milian stars in a movie where a woman gets stuck in a snow globe” movies, the other being Snowglobe. Clearly, six years after Snowglobe, Christina Milian just hadn’t had her fill of snow globe themed shenanigans. This time she plays an angel, who bewitches workaholicContinue reading “A Snow Globe Christmas (2013)”