The Cell (2000)

dir. Tarsem Singh It is genuinely embarrassing to see how much The Cell is trying versus how little it actually achieves. The story follows child psychologist Catherine (Jennifer Lopez, about as ineffectual as you can imagine) who uses special technology to delve into her patients’ minds through a realm akin to virtual reality. Her skillsContinue reading “The Cell (2000)”

Fear of Rain (2021)

dir. Castille Landon 17-year-old Rain is suffering from early on-set schizophrenia. A new boy at school seems to develop a spontaneous interest in her, but while she’s suffering with chronic delusions, how can Rain know whether he exists or not? This is the premise of an insufferably predictive movie which is far, far less cleverContinue reading “Fear of Rain (2021)”

Dracula 2000 (2000)

dir. Patrick Lussier A group of thieves infiltrate a highly secured underground vault, expecting to find valuables. Instead, they discover a coffin. Dracula has been restrained here, but now he’s been unleashed upon the world again. So far, so Dracula – but Dracula 2000 takes the story of the famous vampires to absolutely ludicrous places.Continue reading “Dracula 2000 (2000)”

The Possession of Hannah Grace / Cadaver (2018)

dir. Diederik van Rooijen The worst thing about The Possession of Hannah Grace isn’t its cheap scares. Yes, the movie primarily deals in shrieks and underwhelming body horror more likely to provoke shouts of laughter than of terror – but this isn’t the worst thing. And the worst thing about it isn’t its ill-defined, boringContinue reading “The Possession of Hannah Grace / Cadaver (2018)”

The Haunting (1999)

dir. Jan de Bont Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House has proved itself successful fodder for screen adaptations, from the 1963 movie The Haunting through to the 2018 TV series The Haunting of Hill House. Unfortunately, 1999’s cinematic iteration managed to produce the antithesis of these retellings: it is devoid of likeable characters, devoidContinue reading “The Haunting (1999)”

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

dir. Victor Salva Easily the most terrifying thing about Jeepers Creepers is the notion that it’s meant to be taken even remotely seriously. Siblings Trish (a terrible Gina Philips) and Darry (an even worse Justin Long) find themselves stalked by a sinister supernatural entity which consumes its victim’s body parts. The plot is primarily propelledContinue reading “Jeepers Creepers (2001)”

Nest of Vampires (2021)

dir. Chris Sanders Nest of Vampires follows Kit Valentine, an MI5 agent pursuing a human trafficking ring which has kidnapped his daughter. Said human trafficking ring thrives on selling young girls to Satanic cult members for some generic ritualistic butchering, for which there is apparently a large market yet barely any police investigation into beyondContinue reading “Nest of Vampires (2021)”

Red Riding Hood (2011)

dir. Catherine Hardwicke In a twist surprising no one, the director of Twilight brings us an adaptation of a fairy tale that’s supposed to be dark and brooding, but is instead just pretty goofy. So much doom and gloom, with murder and imprisonment and torture devices. But it’s hard to take the grimness fully seriouslyContinue reading “Red Riding Hood (2011)”

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

dir. Lee Harry The sheer audacity of this film has to be seen to be believed. Sure, it does the generic thing of arbitrarily centring the film around the brother of the original protagonist, who did basically nothing in Silent Night, Deadly Night. That’s fine, that’s fair. No, the absolutely shameless thing this sequel doesContinue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)”

The Fanatic (2019)

dir. Fred Durst The Fanatic is kind of astounding. It stars John Travolta as an autistic man who becomes obsessed with a celebrity, to the point of stalking him. Unfortunately Travolta – and Durst – seem to believe autism is most accurately conveyed by trembling, whining, hunching your shoulders, and going out of your wayContinue reading “The Fanatic (2019)”

The Happening (2008)

dir. M. Night Shyamalan In a nutshell, this is peak Shyamalan. The entire world falls prey to a mysterious force which makes people kill themselves; when a key moment of this premise involves Mark Wahlberg speaking soothingly to a rubber plant, you know it cannot be taken remotely seriously. Everyone speaks as though they’re performingContinue reading “The Happening (2008)”

Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)

dir. Stephen Susco Unfriended managed the spectacular feat of having dumb predictable characters with a dumb predictable plot, yet still being a half-decent movie, purely through innovative use of its form. Unfriended: Dark Web decides to eschew the redemption and just stick to being entirely dumb. Most of it seems to be a personal contestContinue reading “Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)”

The Wicker Man (2006)

dir. Neil LaBute The original The Wicker Man has complex characters portrayed by talented actors; a subtle yet invasive sense of growing dread; and a climax of such viciously casual ruthlessness that it practically managed to redefine the whole genre of horror. This version of The Wicker Man has Nicolas Cage punching women, dressing upContinue reading “The Wicker Man (2006)”

ThanksKilling (2008)

dir. Jordan Downey ThanksKilling is a very difficult film to describe. It’s obviously making fun – it’s an out and proud slasher film intended to revel in the joyous extremes of the horror genre. Hence the demonic turkey who struts around swearing at people. Or the ancient book of magic that is quite obviously aContinue reading “ThanksKilling (2008)”

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

dir. Charles E. Sellier Jr. A shameless Christmas-themed slasher, about as overblown and pulpy as you’d expect. The protagonist suffers from PTSD due to seeing his parents get murdered on Christmas Eve when he was a kid; as an adult he despises Christmas to the extend he dresses up as Santa and kills people. Standard.Continue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)”

Retro Puppet Master (1995)

dir. David DeCoteau The seventh film in the inexplicable Puppet Master franchise, this one is noteworthy because it stars none other than Greg Sestero, i.e. Tommy’s best friend Mark in The Room. It’s quite something to watch Mark blustering around trying to get the tiny demonic puppet people to behave. It’s particularly entertaining to listenContinue reading “Retro Puppet Master (1995)”

Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)

dir. David Hackl Into the Grizzly Maze follows two brothers as they’re stalked by a bear. But it’s not exactly The Revenant. This movie seems to believe bears possess almost-supernatural levels of cognition, manipulation and stealth, as this particular bear constantly eludes trace or capture. Later on, it even proves itself impervious to fire. AsContinue reading “Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)”

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

dir. Chris Sivertson In a way, any film’s first foot forward is its title. It’s apparent quite quickly, then, that I Know Who Killed Me is pretentious, unnecessary, and makes no sense. Lindsay Lohan channels Showgirls as she pouts and lapdances while brooding over how terrible everything is. She finds herself badly injured and goesContinue reading “I Know Who Killed Me (2007)”

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

dir. Tom Six The Human Centipede unabashedly only ever existed for one reason: to shock. The real disappointment of First Sequence is that it fails to even do that. Obviously the premise is grotesque, but as publicised as it was, you’d think the full movie offers something slightly more, even just a kernel. It doesContinue reading “The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)”

House at the End of the Street (2012)

dir. Mark Tonderai Jennifer Lawrence plays an emotionally intuitive teenage girl who moves to a new neighbourhood with her mother. We know she’s emotionally intuitive not because she offers clever insights or friendly support to those around her, but because she sits around playing banal songs on her guitar. She befriends the brother of aContinue reading “House at the End of the Street (2012)”

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

dir. Steve Miner This Friday the 13th sequel basically takes the 15-second “twist” climactic scene of the first one and makes a whole movie out of it. There’s not really even an attempt at a plot anymore. The first one at least explored a backstory and gave its killer a motive, meaning this one alreadyContinue reading “Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)”

Friday the 13th (1980)

dir. Sean S. Cunningham Friday the 13th has gathered such a massive following as a cult slasher film. Quite an impressive feat considering the total hilarity of where it all began. The teenagers being murdered one-by-one at a summer camp obviously do the classic horror thing of constantly running headfirst into danger rather than runningContinue reading “Friday the 13th (1980)”

Child’s Play 2 (1990)

dir. John Lafia Because, apparently, the world just demanded more Child’s Play. Through the incredibly convoluted scenario of the doll manufacturers wanting to reassure the world that the Chucky doll is safe despite all that pesky murdering it got up to, it goes and reassembles the pieces of Chucky after he was destroyed in theContinue reading “Child’s Play 2 (1990)”

Child’s Play (1988)

dir. Tom Holland It’s incredible that Child’s Play became such a famous, successful franchise, seeing as the inaugural instalment just feels like someone’s idea of a joke. The spirit of a serial killer possesses a doll, Chucky, and lives out its malevolent impulses though it. It’s dumb. Of course it’s dumb. But Child’s Play playsContinue reading “Child’s Play (1988)”

Breaking Dawn (2004)

dir. Mark Edwin Robinson Not to be confused with Breaking Dawn. Ahem. This non-vampire Breaking Dawn follows a medical student exploring the murder of a mental patient’s mother. Predictably, the patient’s psychosis begins to affect the medical student, as she finds herself wondering whether the supernatural figures she starts seeing are real, or whether she’sContinue reading “Breaking Dawn (2004)”

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)

dir. James Nguyen Sequel to the incomparable Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Birdemic 2 is still pretty enjoyable in its own right. Not least because it’s basically the same film over again. The same characters, the same terrible acting and awkward dialogue, shortly plagued by the same killer birds again. This time it’s cause by acidContinue reading “Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)”

Ax ‘Em / The Weekend It Lives (1992)

dir. Michael Mfume Ax ‘Em is basically a home movie. Anyone can see that. Surprising no one, the director Michael Mfume is also the writer, producer and main star. It has neither the budget nor the acting prowess of a real film. It’s quite clearly done for love rather than for money, though. It’s aContinue reading “Ax ‘Em / The Weekend It Lives (1992)”

American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002)

dir. Morgan J. Freeman The sequel that nobody on the planet ever asked for, American Psycho II asks the all-important questions: “What if Patrick Bateman of American Psycho got foiled by a 12-year-old girl? What if that 12-year-old grew up to be Mila Kunis? What if Mila Kunis was a sociopath herself and is obsessedContinue reading “American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002)”

1313: Giant Killer Bees (2011)

dir. David DeCoteau This is but one of David DeCoteau’s inexplicable 1313 series. The key theme of all the 1313 movies? Young, sculpted, half-naked men. The men shower. The men swim. The men just walk around undressed for no reason at all. Basically, the 1313 films are soft, soft, softcore gay porn masquerading as legitimateContinue reading “1313: Giant Killer Bees (2011)”

Troll 2 (1990)

dir. Claudio Fragasso Troll 2 is utterly delightful. It’s purportedly a sequel to Troll, obviously, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with it. There aren’t even trolls in this movie. That’s only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Troll 2’s total insanity. The main character is a little boy called Joshua,Continue reading “Troll 2 (1990)”

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

dir. James Nguyen Birdemic genuinely has to be seen to be believed. It just can’t be described in mere words. Its shoddy filming, which includes a long opening credits scene where someone has seemingly set their camera on their car dashboard and just driven around for a bit. Its stilted acting, such as the mainContinue reading “Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)”