Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)

dir. Sara Sugarman

It’s hard to believe that this and Mean Girls came out in the same year. Two Lindsay Lohan-fronted high school comedies, yet so, so different. Confessions is a totally vapid movie, with Lohan’s drama queen protagonist swanning about calling herself pseudonyms, trying to get in with celebrities, desperate to front the school play, generally demanding that everyone look at her at all times. She is obnoxious. Her enabling friends are obnoxious. Her nemesis, a bland Megan Fox (for whom the same song seems to play every time she’s on screen), is obnoxious. Lohan’s character is supposed to become more relatable by the end, but she resolutely does not. She’s a brat from start to finish. The film just doesn’t seem to operate in the real world; during the school’s musical production of Pygmalion (no, not My Fair Lady – they make a different, far worse one), a giant paper mache bearded head swings by. Turns out it’s George Bernard Shaw, but who the hell would know that? This film was made for no one in the real world.

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