Albion: The Enchanted Stallion (2016)

dir. Castille Landon

The first thing to realise about Albion: The Enchanted Stallion is that the enchanted stallion’s name isn’t Albion. Albion is actually the name of the magical fantasy realm our young heroine is transported to, via said enchanted stallion. Beyond this the enchanted stallion actually doesn’t do very much at all, despite what the title implies. The entire film is about as confusing as its stupid title, with its warring races, contrived curses, magical sceptres and insipid characters doing little to abate the feeling that it has no idea what it’s doing. Even more confusing is the presence of established actors like Debra Messing and Jennifer Morrison, who were presumably just really bored that week. Even John Cleese, donning a disgusting fat suit meant for comic relief but resulting in nothing much but the audience’s revulsion, stars as the film’s villain. It’s supposed to be a sweeping magical adventure, but mostly winds up being as effective as a horse movie which forgot to include a horse.

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