The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)

dir. Bill Condon

In which we’re forced to ponder the most pressing questions of Bella and Edward’s universe: if vampires don’t have blood, how do they get erections? Do they have hormones? How can the undead create life? How do the male vampires even have sperm??? Bella’s at the ripe old age of 18 or whatever she’s supposed to be, and Edward’s a bajillion years old, but they swan about through the trees and get married anyway. Then they’re each so bowled over by the other’s utter lack of charisma and personality that they have bed-breaking sex, although all of a sudden it seems that all Edward has to do is cough gently and the whole house will fall down. It’s truly remarkable he hasn’t accidently pulverised Bella’s bones into a fine dust before now. Anyway, now she’s got a little Renesmee inside her and it’s sapping the life out of her. But who needs life when you’re undead?! Kristen Stewart pops on some red contact lenses and the Twilight Saga concludes its penultimate chapter, having lost none of its audacity in calling itself a “saga”.