dir. Abbas-Mustan Engineer Deven Chaudhary (Ajay Devgn) is locked into his car and drowned by a group of businessmen who want to steal his futuristic car designs. Twelve years later, Deven’s son Raj (Vatsal Sheth) happens upon the wreckage of the drowned car and rebuilds it in honour of his father. Somehow (it’s not reallyContinue reading “Taarzan: The Wonder Car (2004)”
Category Archives: Crime
Argylle (2024)
dir. Matthew Vaughan Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) is a shy, unassuming writer who’s enjoyed success with her espionage series about a spy named Argylle. Suddenly, she’s dragged into a real-life spy story when it transpires her books reflect real-life events. This premise could be intriguing if executed correctly, but Argylle clearly wasn’t able toContinue reading “Argylle (2024)”
Samurai Cop (1991)
dir. Amir Shervan Samurai Cop is a classic disaster movie. Not in the sense that the plot revolves around a disaster, more that its entire concept and execution are themselves a total disaster. Joe is a cop who has allegedly been trained as a samurai, although his skills seem to amount to bulging his eyesContinue reading “Samurai Cop (1991)”
Deadly Honeymoon (2010)
dir. Paul Shapiro Lindsey (Summer Glau) and Trevor (Chris Carmack) go on a cruise for their honeymoon. But, as the title pretty much screams out, things don’t exactly go to plan. After Chris goes missing, an FBI agent (who is conveniently also on the ship) attempts to piece together what happened. Deadly Honeymoon is prettyContinue reading “Deadly Honeymoon (2010)”
Mafia Mamma (2023)
dir. Catherine Hardwicke As her son departs for college and she discovers her husband’s been having an affair, Kristen (Toni Collette) decides something needs to change. She learns her estranged grandfather has died and travels to Italy for the funeral, only to discover his wish that Kristen take over his mafia empire. Hijinks, predictably, ensue.Continue reading “Mafia Mamma (2023)”
Blackbird (2018)
dir. Michael Flatley It is near-impossible to sum up the plot of Blackbird, primarily because it doesn’t really have one. Our protagonist Victor Blackley (Michael Flatley) runs a luxury resort in the Caribbean. The prologue and ensuing erratic split-second flashbacks indicate he’s tortured by the memory of failing to save his wife from being murderedContinue reading “Blackbird (2018)”
Amsterdam (2022)
dir. David O. Russell Amsterdam is an absolutely inexplicable film, in that it’s very difficult to understand what on earth is going on at any given moment. The twisting, turning plot somehow manages to be convoluted and completely boring at the same time. The characters are so thinly drawn that it’s impossible to care what’sContinue reading “Amsterdam (2022)”
The Cell (2000)
dir. Tarsem Singh It is genuinely embarrassing to see how much The Cell is trying versus how little it actually achieves. The story follows child psychologist Catherine (Jennifer Lopez, about as ineffectual as you can imagine) who uses special technology to delve into her patients’ minds through a realm akin to virtual reality. Her skillsContinue reading “The Cell (2000)”
The Boy Next Door (2015)
dir. Rob Cohen It’s almost impressive just how little of The Boy Next Door works. Recently separated Claire (a woefully underwhelming Jennifer Lopez) finds herself seduced, then stalked, by the eponymous young lad Noah (a hilariously terrible Ryan Guzman). Calling Ryan a “boy” is laughable considering the actor is quite obviously in his late twenties;Continue reading “The Boy Next Door (2015)”
Fatal Affair (2020)
dir. Peter Sullivan In Fatal Affair, a successful woman named Ellie meets an old college friend, David. They engage in a very brief amorous encounter before Ellie resists and returns to her life with her husband and daughter. However, David is instantly obsessed, and begins stalking Ellie, basically pursuing every available avenue to get herContinue reading “Fatal Affair (2020)”
Deep Water (2022)
dir. Adrian Lyne Deep Water is just a thoroughly unpleasant film. The story follows Vic (Ben Affleck), the wealthy husband of the alluring and mysterious Melinda (Ana de Armas). They have a young daughter (and they also adopt a dog, who is very cute but contributes nothing to the film at all except making itContinue reading “Deep Water (2022)”
Psycho Stripper / Stripped / Bridal Nightmare (2019)
dir. Jake Helgren It’s seldom a good sign when a movie can’t even decide on its own name, but Psycho Stripper is still pretty straightforward. It’s exactly what its title(s) say it is. Our sweet boring protagonist Amber meets a stripper on her bachelorette party who winds up harbouring a dangerous obsession with her. There’sContinue reading “Psycho Stripper / Stripped / Bridal Nightmare (2019)”
Crash (2004)
dir. Paul Haggis With contenders like American Beauty, Green Book and CODA, it’s hard to say with absolute certainty what the all-time worst winner of the Oscar for Best Picture is. But there is a very, very strong argument to be made for Crash earning that title. Loosely interconnecting stories bring concepts of bigotry andContinue reading “Crash (2004)”
The Oxford Murders (2008)
dir. Álex de la Iglesia The Oxford Murders doesn’t just think it’s smart. It thinks it’s the smartest movie ever known to humankind. It thinks no one can handle just how smart it is. Unfortunately, no matter what The Oxford Murders thinks of itself, the truth is it might be one of the stupidest filmsContinue reading “The Oxford Murders (2008)”
Red Eye (2005)
dir. Wes Craven Both Rachel McAdams and Cillian Murphy are usually consistently brilliant performers, but there’s an exception to every rule. Murphy is especially bewildering in this film – he stars as the antagonist, blackmailing Rachel McAdams’ Lisa on a plane, and by the end he’s genuinely rasping and snarling like an angry monster that’sContinue reading “Red Eye (2005)”
Roxi (2005)
dir. Mike Murphy Roxi is an experience. All signs point to it having been an impromptu project filmed on holiday. The acting is dreadful – clearly the director’s friends rather than any actual professionals. The filming is shoddy enough to have been done on someone’s ancient camera phone they found in a shoebox in theContinue reading “Roxi (2005)”
The Snowman (2017)
dir. Tomas Alfredson Disclaimer: Jo Nesbø’s Harry Hole book series is amazing, and The Snowman is one of its best entries. Now that’s out of the way, we can turn to the fact that this 2017 adaptation is one of the most idiotic films ever put together. The difficulty is, the script really heavily reliesContinue reading “The Snowman (2017)”
Theodore Rex (1996)
dir. Jonathan Betuel What the absolute hell even is Theodore Rex? People in this reality actually sat down together and thought, “I know what’d make a great blockbuster – Whoopi Goldberg teaming up with an animatronic dinosaur to fight crime”? The result is exactly as bewildering and surreal as it sounds. Goldberg’s valiant attempts toContinue reading “Theodore Rex (1996)”
Suicide Squad (2016)
dir. David Ayer It is beyond incredible that this was ostensibly DC Films’ attempt at “The Avengers, but antiheroes”. The sad thing is, the premise isn’t half-bad – it could have been fun watching a bunch of villains run rogue. But Suicide Squad doesn’t let anyone run rogue. For all their monologuing about how evilContinue reading “Suicide Squad (2016)”
Secret Obsession (2019)
dir. Peter Sullivan Considering the “reveal” can be seen coming from miles off, the obsession perhaps isn’t quite as secret as the movie thinks. Taking its cue from stories like Before I Go to Sleep, it hinges on the protagonist suffering from bad amnesia, and therefore having to trust that the people around her areContinue reading “Secret Obsession (2019)”
Money Plane (2020)
dir. Andrew Lawrence “Hey, you know what’s interesting? Money. And you know where’s a good location? Plane.” Thus, presumably, Money Plane was born. The eponymous Money Plane is an incredibly perplexing airborne casino with no real logic to it – it’s just a casino that’s, for some reason, in the sky. People bet on illegalContinue reading “Money Plane (2020)”
Lord of War (2005)
dir. Andrew Niccol Lord of War begins with a slow panning shot over a giant collection of bullets, This is a pretty unabashed set-up for the whole film. Nicolas Cage and Jared Leto play two Ukrainian brothers who go into arms dealing, with hotshot Interpol agent Ethan Hawke on their trail. Lord of War proclaimsContinue reading “Lord of War (2005)”
Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)
dir. Ron Underwood Trudie (Melissa Joan Hart) has a family who always pressurises her to be in a relationship. How understandable! But this year, she has the perfect boyfriend she can bring home for Christmas. How delightful! Unfortunately, he breaks up with her right as they’re about to go and meet her family. How sympathetic!Continue reading “Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)”
Fanaa (2006)
dir. Kunal Kohli Some pretty typical Bollywood shenanigans in this one. A blind girl falls in love with a man, and even sleeps with him, getting pregnant before marriage. Scandalous enough, but then the audience discover he is a terrorist. Then the man dies. Then Then the blind girl gets her lifelong blindness magically cured.Continue reading “Fanaa (2006)”
Baazigar (1993)
dir. Abbas-Mustan Baazigar as a film can be summarised quite well by its titular song. Kajol’s character has met Shah Rukh Khan’s character and, unaware that he’s currently in a relationship with her sister (Shilpa Shetty), indulges in a fantasy sequence about his many charms. During the song, he’s portrayed as a matador. He alsoContinue reading “Baazigar (1993)”
Domino (2005)
dir. Tony Scott Domino thinks it’s tough. It’s pretty unabashed about it. The entire thing is saturated in lurid yellows, with strange stuttered shots and disorienting zoom-ins. Domino, a bounty hunter played by Keira Knightley because someone somewhere thought that was a good idea, struts around pouting and frowning and muttering such “deep” lines likeContinue reading “Domino (2005)”
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