Red Riding Hood (2011)

dir. Catherine Hardwicke In a twist surprising no one, the director of Twilight brings us an adaptation of a fairy tale that’s supposed to be dark and brooding, but is instead just pretty goofy. So much doom and gloom, with murder and imprisonment and torture devices. But it’s hard to take the grimness fully seriouslyContinue reading “Red Riding Hood (2011)”

Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)

dir. James Hayman At first glance you’d be forgiven for thinking this was an attempt to rip off Bridesmaids, banking on the hope that people would confuse the two. But nope, because this one actually came out a year before Bridesmaids did, so there’s really no excuse for the fact it feels like a cheapContinue reading “Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)”

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

dir. Lee Harry The sheer audacity of this film has to be seen to be believed. Sure, it does the generic thing of arbitrarily centring the film around the brother of the original protagonist, who did basically nothing in Silent Night, Deadly Night. That’s fine, that’s fair. No, the absolutely shameless thing this sequel doesContinue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)”

Sydney White (2007)

dir. Joe Nussbaum Snow White, but with Amanda Bynes and some college nerds. That’s it. That’s the film. The poisoned apple is now a computer virus, and Prince Charming is now a vapid good-looking nobody who just happened to show up at the right time – although on second thoughts, perhaps that second point isContinue reading “Sydney White (2007)”

The Fanatic (2019)

dir. Fred Durst The Fanatic is kind of astounding. It stars John Travolta as an autistic man who becomes obsessed with a celebrity, to the point of stalking him. Unfortunately Travolta – and Durst – seem to believe autism is most accurately conveyed by trembling, whining, hunching your shoulders, and going out of your wayContinue reading “The Fanatic (2019)”

The Happening (2008)

dir. M. Night Shyamalan In a nutshell, this is peak Shyamalan. The entire world falls prey to a mysterious force which makes people kill themselves; when a key moment of this premise involves Mark Wahlberg speaking soothingly to a rubber plant, you know it cannot be taken remotely seriously. Everyone speaks as though they’re performingContinue reading “The Happening (2008)”

The Last Airbender (2010)

dir. M. Night Shyamalan Avatar: The Last Airbender is a truly incredible TV show. It’s marketed as a kids’ show but has tons of appeal for kids and adults alike. Fascinating characters, a complex world, an engrossing story, beautiful colours and shots, an entrancing score. It’s an incredible feat of storytelling. The best way toContinue reading “The Last Airbender (2010)”

The Last Vampire on Earth (2010)

dir. Vitaliy Versace It’s vampire cosplay filmed on someone’s Nokia 7650. Give or take. Released a couple years after Twilight while the franchise was still going strong, it’s clear the creators wanted to get in on the vampire-centric melodrama. Including such subtleties as the pale and brooding love interest being a haematology student, the filmContinue reading “The Last Vampire on Earth (2010)”

The Little Panda Fighter (2008)

dir. Michelle Gabriel A Video Brinquedo classic, totally unabashed about ripping off Kung Fu Panda. It was even released at the same time to try and bamboozle audiences into confusing the two. Sadly, about four seconds into the amateur animation and stilted dialogue will inform any half-awake viewer that neither DreamWorks nor Jack Black wentContinue reading “The Little Panda Fighter (2008)”

The Ramen Girl (2008)

dir. Robert Allan Ackerman Brittany Murphy was a uniquely talented actor, and she certainly tries her very best in The Ramen Girl. Sadly, she’s the only consistently good thing about it. The rest of the movie mostly revolves around how mystical and spiritual Japanese people are, so Brittany Murphy’s Abby is able to heal herselfContinue reading “The Ramen Girl (2008)”

Theodore Rex (1996)

dir. Jonathan Betuel What the absolute hell even is Theodore Rex? People in this reality actually sat down together and thought, “I know what’d make a great blockbuster – Whoopi Goldberg teaming up with an animatronic dinosaur to fight crime”? The result is exactly as bewildering and surreal as it sounds. Goldberg’s valiant attempts toContinue reading “Theodore Rex (1996)”

Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000)

dir. Rakesh Roshan Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai is one of those Bollywood movies that they seemingly made up as they went. He’s a musician! She has a new car! They’re on a boat! They’re stuck on a desert island! He’s… dead? But it’s okay, because his exact lookalike lives in New Zealand and seamlessly stepsContinue reading “Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000)”

Twilight (2008)

dir. Catherine Hardwicke Ah, where it all began! The beautiful and insightful Bella Swan, who permanently looks like she’s going to be sick and sometimes arbitrarily falls on her ass. The brooding and charismatic Edward Cullen, who ostensibly slaps on some clown make-up every morning and fervently believes a diet of animal blood makes youContinue reading “Twilight (2008)”

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

dir. Chris Weitz Poor lovesick Bella. She spends a good deal of this film sitting sadly on a chair, while the camera spins around her and captions flash up telling us what month it is. It shows she’s depressed. Get it? All because one of the Cullens almost attacks Bella because he’s driven mad byContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)”

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

dir. David Slade Also known as “Insipid Love Triangle: The Movie”. The most forgettable of the Twilight films, no matter how eager Taylor Lautner is to take his shirt off. The most egregious thing of all is, while he’s undeniably a pathetic, clingy, hollow shell of a figure, Jacob is still about forty million timesContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)”

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)

dir. Bill Condon In which we’re forced to ponder the most pressing questions of Bella and Edward’s universe: if vampires don’t have blood, how do they get erections? Do they have hormones? How can the undead create life? How do the male vampires even have sperm??? Bella’s at the ripe old age of 18 orContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)”

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

dir. Bill Condon Breaking Dawn – Part 2 can only truly be summed up as infuriating. It makes a point of messing with its audience. Of course, there’s all the general Twilight absurdity. This movie decides to dwell on ideas such as Bella’s incomprehensible beauty (conveyed by Kristen Stewart having her eyebrows coloured in darkerContinue reading “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)”

Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)

dir. Stephen Susco Unfriended managed the spectacular feat of having dumb predictable characters with a dumb predictable plot, yet still being a half-decent movie, purely through innovative use of its form. Unfriended: Dark Web decides to eschew the redemption and just stick to being entirely dumb. Most of it seems to be a personal contestContinue reading “Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)”

The Adventures of Açela (2020)

dir. Özgür Dogruöz It’s beyond generous to even refer to The Adventures of Açela as a movie. It’s more a psychological battering; a foray into the depths of a troubled consciousness; the audio-visual ravings of a lunatic. Here’s a green alien. There’s a tiger. Why? No “why”. Just is. The entire thing leads to aContinue reading “The Adventures of Açela (2020)”

Little Italy (2018)

dir. Donald Petrie It’s not even Little Italy in New York. It’s set in Toronto. Okay. The confusion only escalates from there, with such madnesses to contend with as: the saga of two warring, neighbouring pizza restaurants; a septuagenarian love story; a professional chef who never cooks; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisable Italian accent; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisableContinue reading “Little Italy (2018)”

The Circle (2017)

dir. James Ponsoldt At one point in this film, Emma Watson’s character (though “character” is a strong term for someone so devoid of personality) is thrown a bunch of questions by an interviewer. The Circle tries to do the same to its audience: Is technology helpful, or dangerous? Is privacy crucial, or isolating? Unfortunately theContinue reading “The Circle (2017)”

Valentine’s Day (2010)

dir. Garry Marshall One of the Love Actually knock-offs which dares to ask the incredible question, “What if a city has a bunch of different people in it, but some of them actually know each other?” This groundbreaking premise is built upon with fleeting scenes where cut-and-paste characters waltz through the standard will-they-won’t-they clichés. There’sContinue reading “Valentine’s Day (2010)”

Water for Elephants (2011)

dir. Francis Lawrence This entire film can be summed up by listening to its music. Tiny little piano clinks and and lingering chords of muted wonder, i.e. a tepid soundtrack to match a tepid film. Profoundly ineffectual and forgettable. Even Christoph Waltz doesn’t seem to be sure of what he’s doing there, as the scriptContinue reading “Water for Elephants (2011)”

What a Girl Wants (2003)

dir. Dennie Gordon To be rich. Apparently, that’s what a girl wants. To be rich. Every single time, the lonely but good-hearted girl living a quiet life with her single mother always gets unexpectedly thrust into a life of opulence and luxury. Just once, it’d be nice if the girl finds out her long lostContinue reading “What a Girl Wants (2003)”

What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue! (2009)

dir. Everton Rodrigues, Michelle Gabriel Video Brinquedo’s nudge-nudge wink-wink, “Oh yes, that acclaimed animated movie about a flying house with ‘up’ in the title, yes we totally did that.” As well as being awkward and unfunny, it’s inexplicably offensive. The movie’s not even that long yet they still manage to throw in a whole routineContinue reading “What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue! (2009)”

What’s Your Number? (2011)

dir. Mark Mylod One of tragically numerous chick flicks where the sole intention seems to be to make all women in the universe feel bad about themselves. Had sex with multiple partners? You’re a slut! Not had much or any sex? You’re a prude! You’re in a relationship? You’re boring! You’re single? You’re pathetic! AnnaContinue reading “What’s Your Number? (2011)”

Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010)

dir. Nabwana I.G.G. In Who Killed Captain Alex‘s eternal favour, it’s obvious that everyone involved in the production had a whole lot of fun putting it together. It’s a passion project, done on a low budget purely because the crew wanted to. The action and stunts genuinely aren’t all bad. But you still can’t helpContinue reading “Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010)”

The Wicker Man (2006)

dir. Neil LaBute The original The Wicker Man has complex characters portrayed by talented actors; a subtle yet invasive sense of growing dread; and a climax of such viciously casual ruthlessness that it practically managed to redefine the whole genre of horror. This version of The Wicker Man has Nicolas Cage punching women, dressing upContinue reading “The Wicker Man (2006)”

You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)

dir. Allan Harmon The most egregious thing about it is bacon isn’t even all that heavily featured. Yes, the love interest (who looks like the brother – unsettling) owns a bacon truck. But the entire plot is hinged on persimmons. It’s all about buying the right persimmons, bacon and persimmon sandwiches, persimmons persimmons persimmons. YourContinue reading “You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)”

The Decoy Bride (2011)

dir. Sheree Folkson It is difficult to fathom what talented people like Kelly McDonald, David Tennant, Alice Eve, and Dylan Moran are doing in The Decoy Bride. They’re not acting – no one really does that in this film. The story follows a Scottish woman who stands in for a Hollywood celebrity at her wedding,Continue reading “The Decoy Bride (2011)”

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

dir. Andrew Adamson In the wake of the magnificent Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Narnia films managed to achieve none of the things that made the former such a successful adaptation. There is no spark in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; it simply meanders from event to event with no particular emotionContinue reading “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)”

ThanksKilling (2008)

dir. Jordan Downey ThanksKilling is a very difficult film to describe. It’s obviously making fun – it’s an out and proud slasher film intended to revel in the joyous extremes of the horror genre. Hence the demonic turkey who struts around swearing at people. Or the ancient book of magic that is quite obviously aContinue reading “ThanksKilling (2008)”

Tall Girl (2019)

dir. Nzingha Stewart There are many minorities and downtrodden communities who face adversity in life. Women; ethnic minorities; the LGBTQ+ community; disabled people; the elderly; the working class and others from socio-economic groups with a lower income. But did any of these people stop and consider the most persecuted community of all: tall girls? Well,Continue reading “Tall Girl (2019)”

Suicide Squad (2016)

dir. David Ayer It is beyond incredible that this was ostensibly DC Films’ attempt at “The Avengers, but antiheroes”. The sad thing is, the premise isn’t half-bad – it could have been fun watching a bunch of villains run rogue. But Suicide Squad doesn’t let anyone run rogue. For all their monologuing about how evilContinue reading “Suicide Squad (2016)”

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

dir. Rupert Sanders This movie was just a mistake. The attempt to turn something as basic as the Snow White fairy tale into a dark and gritty epic was never going to work. Some of the cinematography and framing make a decent start, with the world visually portrayed as pretty complex and intriguing – butContinue reading “Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)”

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

dir. Charles E. Sellier Jr. A shameless Christmas-themed slasher, about as overblown and pulpy as you’d expect. The protagonist suffers from PTSD due to seeing his parents get murdered on Christmas Eve when he was a kid; as an adult he despises Christmas to the extend he dresses up as Santa and kills people. Standard.Continue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)”

Showgirls (1995)

dir. Paul Verhoeven Showgirls is unbelievable. It genuinely cannot be believed. The director of Total Recall and Basic Instinct helms while Jessie from Saved by the Bell stars as a stripper falling into the seedier underbelly of Las Vegas, soundtracked by Prince songs that characters in the movie claim they wrote themselves? It just can’tContinue reading “Showgirls (1995)”

She’s Out of My League (2010)

dir. Jim Field Smith One of those films that pretends it’s all about how beauty isn’t just found in physical appearances, then spends the entire runtime scrutinising and judging people’s physical appearances. It’s a thoroughly mean-spirited story, with everyone treating each other pretty poorly. At one point, Alice Eve’s “10/10” character admits her dark secret:Continue reading “She’s Out of My League (2010)”

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D (2005)

dir. Robert Rodriguez Robert Rodriguez is not shy about the fact that this movie is based on the dreams of one of his children. A very sweet gesture, but also a sure-fire way to ensure your film makes no sense whatsoever. The main character is a boy called Max, who retreats into a world ofContinue reading “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D (2005)”

Scales: Mermaids Are Real (2017)

dir. Kevan Peterson This one is genuinely mind-blowing. In a sense it’s a typical fantasy movie for kids – an unassuming girl discovers she has magical powers. In this film, rather than a witch or a vampire slayer, it turns out she’s a mermaid. Aside from some very awkward and specific rules around how exactlyContinue reading “Scales: Mermaids Are Real (2017)”

Sex and the City 2 (2010)

dir. Michael Patrick King The Sex and the City TV series, for all its faults, was genuinely groundbreaking. It let women do, think and say things they’d seldom been allowed to on TV before, and some of the emotional beats were handled in an extremely affecting way. How sad, then, that the entire Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City 2 (2010)”

Sex and the City (2008)

dir. Michael Patrick King This film makes it abundantly clear that Sex and the City was never supposed to be in cinemas. The antics of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha were perfect for the small screen: a bit of escapism each week, a little “story of the week” while allowing for long-form arcs. Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City (2008)”

Secret Obsession (2019)

dir. Peter Sullivan Considering the “reveal” can be seen coming from miles off, the obsession perhaps isn’t quite as secret as the movie thinks. Taking its cue from stories like Before I Go to Sleep, it hinges on the protagonist suffering from bad amnesia, and therefore having to trust that the people around her areContinue reading “Secret Obsession (2019)”

Ratatoing (2007)

dir. Michelle Gabriel Video Brinquedo’s entire reason for existing is to make shameless rip-offs of successful animated movies, but this one takes it to unprecedented depths of audacity. As if the title Ratatoing was intended to do anything except trick people into thinking it’s Ratatouille. As if this one just happens, by mere coincidence, toContinue reading “Ratatoing (2007)”

Quest for Camelot (1998)

dir. Frederik Du Chau One of those movies you watch as a kid and think is basically Disney, but then you grow up, rewatch it in a fit of nostalgia, and realise it’s pure trash. The heroine Kayley sets off on a quest to retrieve the legendary sword Excalibur and restore Camelot to peace, butContinue reading “Quest for Camelot (1998)”

Retro Puppet Master (1995)

dir. David DeCoteau The seventh film in the inexplicable Puppet Master franchise, this one is noteworthy because it stars none other than Greg Sestero, i.e. Tommy’s best friend Mark in The Room. It’s quite something to watch Mark blustering around trying to get the tiny demonic puppet people to behave. It’s particularly entertaining to listenContinue reading “Retro Puppet Master (1995)”

New Year’s Eve (2011)

dir. Garry Marshall Like Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve is another film where Garry Marshall follows around a bunch of insipid nobodies in an attempt to rip off Love Actually. It’s very difficult to understand why anyone would want to rip off Love Actually to begin with, but here we are. This one really triesContinue reading “New Year’s Eve (2011)”

My Fake Fiancé (2009)

dir. Gil Junger One of those ABC Family movies that is almost entirely dependent on the premise that being single is the worst, most disgusting thing in the world. Sabrina the Teenage Witch meets Joey from Blossom during a wedding at, shock horror, the singles table. At first, they’re scathing about the opulent gifts andContinue reading “My Fake Fiancé (2009)”

Money Plane (2020)

dir. Andrew Lawrence “Hey, you know what’s interesting? Money. And you know where’s a good location? Plane.” Thus, presumably, Money Plane was born. The eponymous Money Plane is an incredibly perplexing airborne casino with no real logic to it – it’s just a casino that’s, for some reason, in the sky. People bet on illegalContinue reading “Money Plane (2020)”

Miami Connection (1987)

dir. Richard Park, Y. K. Kim Miami Connection undeniably does its damndest to furnish its audience with everything they could possibly want in an action movie, or an eighties movie in general. Ninjas? Motorcycles? Rock bands? Drug deals? A heart-warming rekindled relationship between father and son? All of this in Florida, for some reason? TheContinue reading “Miami Connection (1987)”

Mean Girls 2 (2011)

dir. Melanie Mayron By far the most egregious thing about Mean Girls 2 is its name. Tim Meadows returns as the same principal, despite the setting seemingly being an entirely different high school in an entirely different state, but besides that this movie has emphatically nothing to do with Mean Girls. Sure, they say “theContinue reading “Mean Girls 2 (2011)”

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)

dir. Ol Parker Yes, it’s the ABBA lyrics, but it’s quite something when even the movie sounds sick of itself. Here we go, again. Can’t blame it, though – the Mamma Mia! sequel is such a mess that even Meryl Streep couldn’t be coaxed into returning for more than a few seconds as a smilingContinue reading “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)”

Loqueesha (2019)

dir. Jeremy Saville Loqueesha is, frankly, disgusting. It’s just disgusting. There are no other words for it. The story follows a white man who launches a successful radio show by “pretending to be a black woman”. This means he puts on the most utterly offensive stereotypical voice, which roughly equates to him yelling obnoxiously inContinue reading “Loqueesha (2019)”

Little Bee / Abelhinhas (2009)

dir. Michelle Gabriel Obviously the reason Video Brinquedo even existed was to rip off bigger films and dupe unsuspecting viewers into thinking they were purchasing the real thing. It’s still difficult to fathom why they’d want to rip off Bee Movie, which is a terrible cheap flaming garbage fire all by itself. At least LittleContinue reading “Little Bee / Abelhinhas (2009)”

Les Misérables (2012)

dir. Tom Hooper Because of wins for Best Supporting Actress, Best Makeup and Hairstyling, and Best Sound Mixing, Les Misérables can legitimately call itself an Oscar-winning movie. It’s a real shame, because it’s really not very good. As a rule the best musicals are a bit overblown, but Tom Hooper takes this to hilarious extremes,Continue reading “Les Misérables (2012)”

Legally Blondes (2009)

dir. Savage Steve Holland Blondes, plural. Ostensibly this loosely affiliated Legally Blonde spin-off decided Elle Woods wasn’t enough, and decided to rectify this by giving us Elle Woods’ irritating twin cousins instead. Twin 1 and Twin 2 – they have names, but they’re so totally devoid of personality it makes no difference – make theContinue reading “Legally Blondes (2009)”

Left Behind (2014)

dir. Vic Armstrong Who doesn’t want an apocalyptic thriller starring the equally impactful acting forces of Nicolas Cage and Chad Michael Murray? This one involves half the people in the world suddenly disappearing, well before Thanos made the idea mainstream. The ultimate point of Left Behind is a difficult one to ascertain – the toneContinue reading “Left Behind (2014)”

Last Christmas (2019)

dir. Paul Feig It’s pretty obvious that they just said, “Let’s take a bunch of George Michael songs” and then built a movie around them, but that’s far from being the most egregious part of Last Christmas. Emilia Clarke stomps around London, destroying her friends’ possessions and putting her boss’ workplace at risk of theft.Continue reading “Last Christmas (2019)”

Knowing (2009)

dir. Alex Proyas Another excuse for Nicolas Cage to run around and grimace heavily. Knowing is an apocalyptic sci-fi drama where Cage’s professor protagonist unearths clues from a time capsule which could be predicting future disasters. As he embarks on a mission to foil the final catastrophe, the movie paints itself further and further intoContinue reading “Knowing (2009)”

The Kissing Booth 2 (2020)

dir. Vince Marcello Sequel to 2018’s The Kissing Booth and the second of a projected trilogy, The Kissing Booth 2 manages to perform the impossible and is somehow an even worse film than its predecessor. Joey King’s Elle finds her already toxic romance threatened when her boyfriend Noah moves to Harvard. To Elle’s dismay, girlsContinue reading “The Kissing Booth 2 (2020)”

The Kissing Booth (2018)

dir. Vince Marcello It’s genuinely alarming that a movie like The Kissing Booth can be made and find success in 2018. So many of the ideas are fundamentally archaic. The best friendship at the centre of the story is dependent to the point of emotional abuse, while the main character Elle’s love interest is manipulativeContinue reading “The Kissing Booth (2018)”

Jack and Jill (2011)

dir. Dennis Dugan Adam Sandler and the Happy Madison movies are quite a marvel. Adam Sandler and many of his colleagues have proven themselves to be genuinely talented actors and comedians. So it’s difficult to understand why they so frequently ignore all of their abilities and instead seemingly come together to create the absolute worstContinue reading “Jack and Jill (2011)”

Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)

dir. David Hackl Into the Grizzly Maze follows two brothers as they’re stalked by a bear. But it’s not exactly The Revenant. This movie seems to believe bears possess almost-supernatural levels of cognition, manipulation and stealth, as this particular bear constantly eludes trace or capture. Later on, it even proves itself impervious to fire. AsContinue reading “Into the Grizzly Maze (2015)”

I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)

dir. Steve Race If you took an average person and informed them that a film exists starring Ja Rule as a drug dealer who falls in love with a church-going woman, they simply would not believe you. If you informed them that Michael Madsen and Vincent Pastore i.e. Big Pussy Bonpensiero are also in theContinue reading “I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)”

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

dir. Chris Sivertson In a way, any film’s first foot forward is its title. It’s apparent quite quickly, then, that I Know Who Killed Me is pretentious, unnecessary, and makes no sense. Lindsay Lohan channels Showgirls as she pouts and lapdances while brooding over how terrible everything is. She finds herself badly injured and goesContinue reading “I Know Who Killed Me (2007)”

I Feel Pretty (2018)

dir. Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein I Feel Pretty really hinges itself on the absolute worst of Amy Schumer’s comedy. The type when all you see is a conventionally attractive white woman bemoaning how fat, ugly and weird she is. In I Feel Pretty, Schumer’s character Renee gets concussed and suddenly believes herself to be aContinue reading “I Feel Pretty (2018)”

I Am Here… Now (2009)

dir. Neil Breen In which Neil Breen plays God. Hardly a leap for Neil Breen, who quite obviously considers himself to be God anyway – this time he’s just not sugar-coating it with an alias. Coming down to Earth in human form on a journey to Vegas to punish humankind for their wrong-doing, Breen spendsContinue reading “I Am Here… Now (2009)”

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

dir. Tom Six The Human Centipede unabashedly only ever existed for one reason: to shock. The real disappointment of First Sequence is that it fails to even do that. Obviously the premise is grotesque, but as publicised as it was, you’d think the full movie offers something slightly more, even just a kernel. It doesContinue reading “The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)”

House at the End of the Street (2012)

dir. Mark Tonderai Jennifer Lawrence plays an emotionally intuitive teenage girl who moves to a new neighbourhood with her mother. We know she’s emotionally intuitive not because she offers clever insights or friendly support to those around her, but because she sits around playing banal songs on her guitar. She befriends the brother of aContinue reading “House at the End of the Street (2012)”

Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)

dir. Ron Underwood Trudie (Melissa Joan Hart) has a family who always pressurises her to be in a relationship. How understandable! But this year, she has the perfect boyfriend she can bring home for Christmas. How delightful! Unfortunately, he breaks up with her right as they’re about to go and meet her family. How sympathetic!Continue reading “Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)”

Her Best Move (2007)

dir. Norm Hunter A teenage girl has to balance sports, friends, family, romance, and education. That’s the movie. Just, y’know, life. Despite the central conceit of – gasp! A girl playing football – the film is pretty generic, with each character stepping into their moulded place: Encouraging Best Friend, Eager Father, Sympathetic Mother, Boyfriendy Boyfriend.Continue reading “Her Best Move (2007)”

Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)

dir. Ron Oliver Anyone even vaguely acquainted with Harriet the Spy will immediately wonder what the hell it has to do with blogging. This version ages Harriet up to 16; one would think she’d be over the fairly childish spy games by this age, but ostensibly not. Therefore her “spying” just comes across a lotContinue reading “Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)”

Goat Story – The Old Prague Legends (2008)

dir. Jan Tománek Goat Story is freaky. It’s just freaky. And not just because of the shoddy computer animation, which gives every character such bulging eyes and stilted movement that the visuals alone make Goat Story the stuff of nightmares. But that’s not enough – Goat Story has to push things further. It has toContinue reading “Goat Story – The Old Prague Legends (2008)”

Goat Story 2 / Goat Story with Cheese (2012)

dir. Jan Tománek One would be forgiven for believing it couldn’t get any worse than Goat Story, but wow, it really does. Goat Story 2 manages to somehow be even madder, scarier and stupider than the first one. The same horrific animation stays. There are idiotic songs and annoying characters again. But this time, theContinue reading “Goat Story 2 / Goat Story with Cheese (2012)”

Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)

dir. Kelly Asbury Romeo and Juliet, as told by animated comedic gnomes. Oh good. Clearly someone came up with the title and decided to build a movie around it, but even that doesn’t excuse the total absence of any humour, romance, or basic effort at all from this film. The jokes are all of theContinue reading “Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)”

Gladiformers: Robos Gladiadores (2007)

dir. Marco Alemar Video Brinquedo’s rip-off of Transformers. The entire film takes place in a single setting – a very awkward fighting ring where gladiator robots are fighting for no discernible reason at all. Said gladiator robots have names such as Julius Drive, Magnum Tutor, and Korjo Displo. Said names are yelled out with suchContinue reading “Gladiformers: Robos Gladiadores (2007)”

Gigli (2003)

dir. Martin Brest Obviously, Gigli is disgusting. Jennifer Lopez playing a lesbian character who winds up so enamoured with Ben Affleck’s mobster charms that she turns straight for him? It’s an insult. Especially when the supposed sexy chemistry is conveyed by moments such as Lopez spreading her legs and whispering “It’s turkey time – gobbleContinue reading “Gigli (2003)”

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)

dir. Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor Sadly, Spirit of Vengeance isn’t quite as much fun as the first Ghost Rider. By this time they really embraced how utterly ludicrous the whole Ghost Rider concept is, and dial everything to 11. Exorcisms, demons, explosions – it’s all designed to be as outlandish as possible. But Nicolas Cage,Continue reading “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)”

Ghost Rider (2007)

dir. Mark Steven Johnson A man sells his soul, and technically gets his side of the bargain, but it’s underpinned with tragic consequences. He hurtles himself into a void of risk-taking and self-destruction, with his old childhood sweetheart being his only potential source of salvation. His old demons come back to haunt him, as heContinue reading “Ghost Rider (2007)”

G-Force (2009)

dir. Hoyt Yeatman G-Force is a family film about a bunch of talking guinea pigs and other animals. For something so inherently basic, it’s weirdly hard to follow. There’s intelligence operations and spy gadgets and microchips and FBI stings and computer viruses. There’s also a cackling British villain played with maximum Britishness by Bill Nighy.Continue reading “G-Force (2009)”

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

dir. Steve Miner This Friday the 13th sequel basically takes the 15-second “twist” climactic scene of the first one and makes a whole movie out of it. There’s not really even an attempt at a plot anymore. The first one at least explored a backstory and gave its killer a motive, meaning this one alreadyContinue reading “Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)”

Friday the 13th (1980)

dir. Sean S. Cunningham Friday the 13th has gathered such a massive following as a cult slasher film. Quite an impressive feat considering the total hilarity of where it all began. The teenagers being murdered one-by-one at a summer camp obviously do the classic horror thing of constantly running headfirst into danger rather than runningContinue reading “Friday the 13th (1980)”

Foodfight! (2012)

dir. Lawrence Kasanoff It’s difficult to talk about Foodfight!. It’s difficult to even think about Foodfight!. This is a serious contender for all-time most grotesque film ever made. Everything about it is completely, monstrously ugly. The animation is ugly, as though every character was specifically designed to be as repellent as possible. The sexual innuendoContinue reading “Foodfight! (2012)”

Fatal Deviation (1998)

dir. Shay Casserley, Simon Linscheid Young Jimmy finds himself in a mysterious world of martial arts tournaments and drug lords. In short, it’s an Irish kung fu movie. And it’s exactly as good as that sounds. The entire film feels like one giant blooper reel, with terrible acting and shoddy fight choreography. There’s even aContinue reading “Fatal Deviation (1998)”

Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)

dir. Cy Roth It’s pretty obvious that Cy Roth – director, producer and writer of Fire Maidens – was thrilled to be making a movie at all. Didn’t matter that the plot was nonsense and visual effects a joke – at least he was making a movie. Five astronauts, making their abundant masculinity known throughContinue reading “Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)”

Fateful Findings (2012)

dir. Neil Breen A Neil Breen classic. One of the Neil Breeniest films to ever Neil Breen, perhaps only outclassed by Twisted Pair. The plot, if it can even be called that, is about as mental as can be expected from Breen: the hero is a hacker-novelist (standard) who unearths government secrets, while also reconnectingContinue reading “Fateful Findings (2012)”

Fanaa (2006)

dir. Kunal Kohli Some pretty typical Bollywood shenanigans in this one. A blind girl falls in love with a man, and even sleeps with him, getting pregnant before marriage. Scandalous enough, but then the audience discover he is a terrorist. Then the man dies. Then Then the blind girl gets her lifelong blindness magically cured.Continue reading “Fanaa (2006)”

Baazigar (1993)

dir. Abbas-Mustan Baazigar as a film can be summarised quite well by its titular song. Kajol’s character has met Shah Rukh Khan’s character and, unaware that he’s currently in a relationship with her sister (Shilpa Shetty), indulges in a fantasy sequence about his many charms. During the song, he’s portrayed as a matador. He alsoContinue reading “Baazigar (1993)”

Falling Inn Love (2019)

dir. Roger Kumble One of those rom-coms that proudly proclaims being a city girl is inherently a soulless and terrible thing, and so all women seeking happiness need to move to “the country”. In this case it’s taken to extremes. Christina Milian plays Gabriela, who necks about three bottles of wine before entering a contestContinue reading “Falling Inn Love (2019)”

Failure to Launch (2006)

dir. Tom Dey Pretty much nothing about Failure to Launch adds up to a coherent message. It’s firmly suggested that a grown man living at home is a pathetic waste of space, but then it’s acknowledged he may have a decent reason for doing so, like grief. But then he’s encouraged to move out anyway.Continue reading “Failure to Launch (2006)”

The Emoji Movie (2017)

dir. Tony Leondis There may well have never been a more cynical, less creative conceit for a film. Phones and social media are popular, so why don’t we make emojis have their own world? The result is obviously about as shallow and one-note as, well, an emoji. Practically every line is a nudge and winkContinue reading “The Emoji Movie (2017)”

Drop Dead Fred (1991)

dir. Ate de Jong The sole trait of the character Drop Dead Fred is that he’s annoying. Unfortunately, by making Drop Dead Fred obnoxious and unlikeable, it also makes Drop Dead Fred obnoxious and unlikeable. Seems obvious, but the movie didn’t seem to realise it. Phoebe Cates plays Elizabeth, a young woman who begins seeingContinue reading “Drop Dead Fred (1991)”

Domino (2005)

dir. Tony Scott Domino thinks it’s tough. It’s pretty unabashed about it. The entire thing is saturated in lurid yellows, with strange stuttered shots and disorienting zoom-ins. Domino, a bounty hunter played by Keira Knightley because someone somewhere thought that was a good idea, struts around pouting and frowning and muttering such “deep” lines likeContinue reading “Domino (2005)”

Dog Days (2018)

dir. Ken Marino Okay, so, it’s Love Actually, but with dogs. An ensemble cast with interweaving romantic storylines – but the majority of the “interweaving” is simply that they all use the same vet. It’s a pretty lazy conceit. Obviously the characters are all bland stereotypes. Obviously there’s a creepy incel who we’re supposed toContinue reading “Dog Days (2018)”

Dirty Grandpa (2016)

dir. Dan Mazer In this veritable cesspool of obscenity, there is not a single redemptive factor to be found. The “story”, though the word affords Dirty Grandpa far more than it deserves, follows titular grandfather Richard “Dick” Kelly (played, tragically, by Robert De Niro). After his wife dies, he embarks on a doggedly zany adventure with hisContinue reading “Dirty Grandpa (2016)”

Cyberbully (2011)

dir. Charles Binamé Where to even start with Cyberbully? It demonstrably believes itself to be a feature-length PSA, one which tugs at the heartstrings and imparts a valuable lesson. That lesson? Cyberbullying is bad. The thing with Cyberbully is, as it features vapid teenagers catfishing and slinging insults on some Facebook rip-off called Cliquesters, itContinue reading “Cyberbully (2011)”

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)

dir. Sara Sugarman It’s hard to believe that this and Mean Girls came out in the same year. Two Lindsay Lohan-fronted high school comedies, yet so, so different. Confessions is a totally vapid movie, with Lohan’s drama queen protagonist swanning about calling herself pseudonyms, trying to get in with celebrities, desperate to front the schoolContinue reading “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)”

The Christmas Tree (1991)

dir. Flamarion Ferreira The Christmas Tree is, frankly, bewildering. There is just no reason for this film to exist. The story wasn’t worth telling – it’s all about some sad orphans trying to stop a tree from getting cut down, in possibly the lowest stakes of any kids’ film ever. Ostensibly none of the castContinue reading “The Christmas Tree (1991)”

The Christmas Trap / Christmas in the Heartland (2018)

dir. Harvey Lowry With its title, The Christmas Trap is pretty blatant about being a Christmas-themed rip-off of The Parent Trap. Okay, fine. Except in this film, the two main girls Kara and Jessie don’t meet at summer camp, but on a plane. And in this film, they’re not twins. They’re in fact complete andContinue reading “The Christmas Trap / Christmas in the Heartland (2018)”

Child’s Play 2 (1990)

dir. John Lafia Because, apparently, the world just demanded more Child’s Play. Through the incredibly convoluted scenario of the doll manufacturers wanting to reassure the world that the Chucky doll is safe despite all that pesky murdering it got up to, it goes and reassembles the pieces of Chucky after he was destroyed in theContinue reading “Child’s Play 2 (1990)”

Child’s Play (1988)

dir. Tom Holland It’s incredible that Child’s Play became such a famous, successful franchise, seeing as the inaugural instalment just feels like someone’s idea of a joke. The spirit of a serial killer possesses a doll, Chucky, and lives out its malevolent impulses though it. It’s dumb. Of course it’s dumb. But Child’s Play playsContinue reading “Child’s Play (1988)”

Burlesque (2010)

dir. Steven Antin So much of Burlesque, from the title to Alan Cummings’ shameless Emcee character, is obviously lifted from Cabaret. Yet it would be difficult to find a movie further away from the intelligent style and substance of Cabaret. Christina Aguilera plays Ali, a woman who perfects her burlesque performance skills seemingly by wanderingContinue reading “Burlesque (2010)”

Bride Wars (2009)

dir. Gary Winick Bride Wars is a serious contender for being the most mean-spirited film ever made. Two childhood best friends transform into shrieking manipulative banshees, wholly consumed in their hatred for one another. Why? Because they each want to be the first one to get married. This apparently justifies all manner of sabotage, includingContinue reading “Bride Wars (2009)”

Breaking Dawn (2004)

dir. Mark Edwin Robinson Not to be confused with Breaking Dawn. Ahem. This non-vampire Breaking Dawn follows a medical student exploring the murder of a mental patient’s mother. Predictably, the patient’s psychosis begins to affect the medical student, as she finds herself wondering whether the supernatural figures she starts seeing are real, or whether she’sContinue reading “Breaking Dawn (2004)”

Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

dir. Sam Firstenberg The title that launched a thousand memes. Three street dancers attempt to stop the demolition of a local community centre that the big bad establishment want to turn into that hive of greed and vice, a shopping mall. Obviously this is a standard tale of the little guy facing the man, andContinue reading “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)”

Brat: Holiday Spectacular (2018)

dir. Shannon Flynn An original Brat TV movie. Oh, okay. Brat TV is a community of teenage content creators and social media influencers, sharing videos and shows through YouTube. Their Holiday Spectacular features all their generic, vapid faces, running around a mall at Christmas time and engaging in the most insipid “inspirational” storylines imaginable. ThinkContinue reading “Brat: Holiday Spectacular (2018)”

Blind Dating / Blind Guy Driving (2006)

dir. James Keach Blind Dating is, frankly, offensive. It’s just offensive. You’d think there’d be something of value in a movie centring a disabled character and exploring an interracial romance, but, well, there is not. Chris Pine’s Danny is a man, blind from birth, who’s mocked by his peers for being a virgin at 22.Continue reading “Blind Dating / Blind Guy Driving (2006)”

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)

dir. James Nguyen Sequel to the incomparable Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Birdemic 2 is still pretty enjoyable in its own right. Not least because it’s basically the same film over again. The same characters, the same terrible acting and awkward dialogue, shortly plagued by the same killer birds again. This time it’s cause by acidContinue reading “Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)”

Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2018)

dir. Raja Gosnell It’s called Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Does it even sound like it’s going to attempt to be a good movie? Most of the movie isn’t even set in Beverly Hills – the titular chihuahua gets dognapped in Mexico, and spends the movie trying to get back home. She contends with an evil Doberman,Continue reading “Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2018)”