dir. Panta Mosleh Asha and Jake are old high school acquaintances who reunite and get together in adulthood. When Jake proposes, it’s time for them to meet each other’s families (which ideally would’ve happened much earlier, but that’s a whole other issue). And it’s Christmas! So Asha and Jake find themselves trying to appease bothContinue reading “Christmas With the Singhs (2024)”
Author Archives: Swéta Rana
Hanukkah on the Rocks (2024)
dir. Séan Geraughty Most of Hanukkah on the Rocks plays out exactly like a typical Hallmark holiday movie. Tori loses her job as a high-powered lawyer, but discovers a new lease of life when she becomes a bartender at a local bar. Of course, she meets an incredibly bland man there who becomes her passionateContinue reading “Hanukkah on the Rocks (2024)”
Waterworld (1995)
dir. Kevin Reynolds In the future, the polar ice caps have melted, covering nearly all dry land. Humans struggle living on boats and atolls, struggling with scant resources and longing to reach the fabled Dryland. This could be a really compelling premise, were it not butchered so savagely by Waterworld‘s poor worldbuilding, inconsistent storytelling, andContinue reading “Waterworld (1995)”
War of the Worlds (2025)
dir. Rich Lee H. G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds is a classic, inspiring many adaptations due to its compelling narrative and complex sci-fi ideas. This War of the Worlds understands none of that, instead seeming to think the makings of a classic come in shouting clichéd one-liners (“Hell yeah!”), editing so fast it’sContinue reading “War of the Worlds (2025)”
My Oxford Year (2025)
dir. Iain Morris American student Anna arrives in Oxford to study Victorian poetry for a year. The very premise is already unconvincing due to the inconsistent picture of Anna. She’s a supposed literary genius, although her bookshelf seems to only consist of famous, obvious classics like Jane Eyre and Emma. When she goes to aContinue reading “My Oxford Year (2025)”
Five Feet Apart (2019)
dir. Justin Baldoni Stella and Will are two teenagers with cystic fibrosis, who must stay at least six feet away from each other (and any cystic fibrosis patient) for safety. When they meet on their hospital ward, they begin to fall in love. They fall in love despite Stella’s only personality trait being “controlling”, andContinue reading “Five Feet Apart (2019)”
Eragon (2006)
dir. Stefen Fangmeier A young farm boy, Eragon, stumbles upon a mysterious blue stone which soon hatches into a dragon. Thus, he is pulled in to a great adventure to save the kingdom of Alagaësia from the evil Galbatorix. These two sentences characterise Eragon – top level exposition conveying the most shallow “chosen one” fantasyContinue reading “Eragon (2006)”
The Return of the King (1980)
dir. Jules Bass, Arthur Rankin Jr A recurring musical refrain in The Return of the King goes, “It’s so easy not to try.” It’s so easy to try and use that line to judge the film as a whole, but it’s not quite fair. Some trying went into it. The background animations are detailed andContinue reading “The Return of the King (1980)”
The Shaggy Dog (2006)
dir. Brian Robbins The premise of this reboot movie, The Shaggy Dog, sounds completely insane. Because it is. Tim Allen plays a man who is bitten by a sacred immortal dog. This means he is now able to transform into a dog, although only sometimes, and it’s never quite clear what exactly provokes the transformation.Continue reading “The Shaggy Dog (2006)”
Quigley / Daddy Dog Day (2003)
dir. William Byron Hillman “Sarah, the dog’s cute, but this is ridiculous.” This line of dialogue pretty much sums up the entirety of Quigley, in which Gary Busey’s generic workaholic billionaire dies and gets turned into a dog named Quigley to make up for his sins. Much of the film has no real plot andContinue reading “Quigley / Daddy Dog Day (2003)”
Bubble Boy (2001)
dir. Blair Hayes Jimmy (Jake Gyllenhaal) has lived in a sterilised plastic dome since birth due to having no immune system. Due to his isolation and overbearing mother, he is stuck in a naive, childlike state throughout his life. When his friend says she is leaving to get married, Jimmy decides to leave his homeContinue reading “Bubble Boy (2001)”
Kinda Pregnant (2025)
dir. Tyler Spindel In Kinda Pregnant, Lainy (Amy Schumer) plays a woman who straps a fake belly to herself and pretends to be pregnant. Rather than treating this as the psychological horror show that it is, Kinda Pregnant instead decides this is an adorably kooky and totally relatable way to behave, with Lainy being playedContinue reading “Kinda Pregnant (2025)”
The Electric State (2025)
dir. Anthony and Joe Russo The graphic novel The Electric State by Simon Stålenhag is highly regarded as a great piece of fiction. Its best elements were ostensibly left behind in this one-dimensional, painfully shallow adaptation. In a dystopian alternative reality where humans and robots waged a devasting war, Millie Bobby Brown plays Michelle, aContinue reading “The Electric State (2025)”
Taarzan: The Wonder Car (2004)
dir. Abbas-Mustan Engineer Deven Chaudhary (Ajay Devgn) is locked into his car and drowned by a group of businessmen who want to steal his futuristic car designs. Twelve years later, Deven’s son Raj (Vatsal Sheth) happens upon the wreckage of the drowned car and rebuilds it in honour of his father. Somehow (it’s not reallyContinue reading “Taarzan: The Wonder Car (2004)”
The Watchers (2024)
dir. Ishana Night Shyamalan In The Watchers, Mina (Dakota Fanning) – through a rather specific set of circumstances involving delivering a parrot – finds herself lost in an Irish forest. She soon meets up with other humans in a bunker who are stuck there, all at the whim of “The Watchers”, mysterious creatures who murderContinue reading “The Watchers (2024)”
Megalopolis (2024)
dir. Francis Ford Coppola A misunderstood, maligned artistic genius has the vision and skill to save the world from itself, if only the people would listen. This not only describes the central premise of Megalopolis, but seemingly also Francis Ford Coppola’s conception of himself as he made this profoundly bizarre mess of a movie. EgoContinue reading “Megalopolis (2024)”
Atlas (2024)
dir. Brad Peyton Films have been exploring the impact of AI for decades, but few have done it quite as poorly as Atlas. The eponymous character (Jennifer Lopez) hates AI, and is keen to track down an AI robot who went rogue and killed millions of people. With Lopez wearing one blank facial expression forContinue reading “Atlas (2024)”
Our Drawings (2023)
dir. Calobi With its incoherent story, horrendous animation, awful music, one-dimensional characters, and general mind-melting impact, it’s hard to even refer to Our Drawings as a film. The one-hour running time means the experience is mercifully short, but adds to the sense that it was in fact an amateur student’s animation project that should neverContinue reading “Our Drawings (2023)”
The Master of Disguise (2002)
dir. Perry Andelin Blake Why. Why does this exist. Dana Carvey plays the idiotically-named, and generally idiotic, Pistachio Disguisey. He spends most of his time doing dumb voices and staring goofily with his mouth hanging open, until he’s embroiled in a contrived adventure involving donning a variety of disguises to foil an evil mastermind whoContinue reading “The Master of Disguise (2002)”
The Wrong Mommy (2019)
dir. David DeCoteau The Wrong Mommy follows Melanie (Jessica Morris), who works in PR or marketing or advertising or, er, something like that, it’s never properly specified. She hires the confident Phoebe (Ashlynn Yennie) as her PA, unaware that Phoebe has ulterior motives. The movie ensures the audience is never unaware of Phoebe’s ulterior motives,Continue reading “The Wrong Mommy (2019)”
Christmas on Windmill Way (2023)
dir. Don McBrearty When a movie has “windmill” in the title, it shouldn’t be a surprise that there’s a focus on windmills. And yet, there is just so much about windmills in Christmas on Windmill Way that it’s hard to be prepared. Mia (Christa Taylor Brown) works in a windmill that her great-grandfather built. InsideContinue reading “Christmas on Windmill Way (2023)”
Irish Wish (2024)
dir. Janeen Damian It’s a good start when, in a film called Irish Wish, neither the protagonist nor her two love interests is Irish. Lindsay Lohan plays Maddie, a book editor secretly in love with Paul (Alexander Vlahos), her bestselling author. But it seems Paul only has eyes for Maddie’s best friend. In Ireland forContinue reading “Irish Wish (2024)”
A Christmas Star (2015)
dir. Richard Mark Elson Noelle is born on Christmas Day in a small Irish town. Growing up, she seems to have the power to perform miracles – specifically, to stop people fighting and make them care for each other instead. Her father works at the local snowglobe factory, and the entire town is shocked thatContinue reading “A Christmas Star (2015)”
Baking Up Love (2021)
dir. Candice T. Cain Another one from the infamous director of Deck the Heart, with all the familiar low budget production and terrible acting we’ve come to know and love. One of the additional problems facing Baking Up Love is that it doesn’t really know what film it wants to be. Does it want toContinue reading “Baking Up Love (2021)”
Hot Frosty (2024)
dir. Jerry Ciccoritti It was never going to be a good movie. The premise is simply “sexy snowman comes to life”; it was never going to be a good movie. And yet, somehow, Hot Frosty still manages to fall short of expectations. The story is beyond insane, but rather than whisking the audience away onContinue reading “Hot Frosty (2024)”
Uglies (2024)
dir. McG In a dystopian future, people are forced to undergo cosmetic surgery to transform them from “Uglies” to “Pretties”. The criteria for “Ugly” and “Pretty” is a bit odd, seeing as the Uglies are all portrayed by classically beautiful actors, while the Pretties are just given make-up and CGI to bestow them with eerieContinue reading “Uglies (2024)”
It Ends with Us (2024)
dir. Justin Baldoni “The roots are the most important part of the plant.” “Really?” “Yeah.” “I didn’t know that about roots. That’s cool.” This bizarre, contrived dialogue, which is meant to be taken completely seriously, pretty much sums up the entire experience of watching It Ends with Us, the domestic abuse drama adapted from ColleenContinue reading “It Ends with Us (2024)”
Tarot (2024)
dir. Spenser Cohen & Anna Halberg A college student discovers a deck of Tarot cards, and performs readings for her group of friends. Shortly afterwards, one by one, they start dying. Each death is quite explicitly related to the Tarot reading they received: someone who was shown The Hanged Man is hanged themselves, someone elseContinue reading “Tarot (2024)”
They/Them (2022)
dir. John Logan So much of They/Them is so inherently ridiculous, it’s easy to believe the whole thing was intended as a self-aware parody. Sadly, it was not. A group of LGBTQ teens are at a conversion camp, where camp leader Owen (Kevin Bacon) switches from smiling friendliness to threatening menace in a blink ofContinue reading “They/Them (2022)”
White Chicks (2004)
dir. Keenen Ivory Wayans It’s understandable that comedies from the early 2000s may not hold up so well decades ago, but White Chicks didn’t even hold up when it first landed. Marlon and Shawn Wayans play two FBI agent brothers who are charged with hunting down a kidnapper. The kidnapper is said to be targettingContinue reading “White Chicks (2004)”
Soul Plane (2004)
dir. Jessy Terrero Soul Plane is not intended to be taken all that seriously. Our main character Nashawn (Kevin Hart) wins $100 million in damages after an aviation accident, and decides to start his own airline. Antics ensue. Essentially, this is supposed to be a black homage to Airplane!, and there is the occasional genuinelyContinue reading “Soul Plane (2004)”
IF (2024)
dir. John Krasinski Understanding that an ‘IF’ is an Imaginary Friend, it feels reasonable to assume that John Krasinski came up with the title and then tried to build a film around it. There certainly isn’t anything else which warrants this movie being made. Our twelve-year-old protagonist Bea is living with her grandmother while herContinue reading “IF (2024)”
Ghoster (2022)
dir. Ryan Bellgardt Just looking at the poorly designed CGI eponymous character, it’s obvious that this is a brazen attempt to rip off 1995’s Casper. This movie’s protagonist, though, comes with a much more convoluted backstory, as well as a much more convoluted story in the movie itself. The story: a man and his daughterContinue reading “Ghoster (2022)”
The School for Good and Evil (2022)
dir. Paul Feig There was a lot of buzz for this movie before it was released. A well-regarded director and a cast including the likes of Cate Blanchett, Laurence Fishburne, Charlize Theron and Michelle Yeoh, bringing to life the first in a highly popular series of books. Unfortunately, The School for Good and Evil hasContinue reading “The School for Good and Evil (2022)”
Madame Web (2024)
dir. S. J. Clarkson Superhero movies are becoming tiresome by default, but Madame Web takes it to a whole new level. Cassie (Dakota Johnson) embraces her spider powers, and strives to save three teenage girls who will also one day embrace their spider powers from a malevolent man who’s already embraced his spider powers. SaidContinue reading “Madame Web (2024)”
The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: The Lost Secret (2023)
dir. Ryan Bellgardt, Chris Hoyt Because just one Adventure of Jurassic Pet wasn’t enough! The Lost Secret has all the familiar terrible effects, terrible acting, terrible story, and terrible characterisation of its predecessor, and then somehow manages to be even more terrible. There’s a baffling explanation about dinosaurs entering our world via a magic doorContinue reading “The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: The Lost Secret (2023)”
The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: Chapter 1 (2019)
dir. Ryan Bellgardt The title alone is a good hint as to the levels of insanity in this film, although it’s far more bizarre than anyone could expect. A lot of it follows typical ’90s family film clichés – a school trip to a museum! A plucky kid! A knowing mentor figure! A pseudo-magical creatureContinue reading “The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: Chapter 1 (2019)”
Shallow Hal (2001)
dir. Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly It is difficult to even discuss Shallow Hal without feeling queasy. The premise is bad enough. Hal (Jack Black) is hypnotised to see only people’s inner beauty, meaning he sees the overweight Rosemary (Gwyneth Paltrow) as a conventionally attractive, slim woman. Cue a plethora of pathetic fat jokes (made especiallyContinue reading “Shallow Hal (2001)”
Cade: The Tortured Crossing (2023)
dir. Neil Breen After so many disasters – Double Down, I Am Here… Now, Fateful Findings, Twisted Pair – it would be reasonable to assume that writer-director Neil Breen is aware of his reputation. Like lots of bad movie makers before him, it’s expected for him to fall into a bit of nudge-nudge, wink-wink, self-deprecatingContinue reading “Cade: The Tortured Crossing (2023)”
Argylle (2024)
dir. Matthew Vaughan Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) is a shy, unassuming writer who’s enjoyed success with her espionage series about a spy named Argylle. Suddenly, she’s dragged into a real-life spy story when it transpires her books reflect real-life events. This premise could be intriguing if executed correctly, but Argylle clearly wasn’t able toContinue reading “Argylle (2024)”
Samurai Cop (1991)
dir. Amir Shervan Samurai Cop is a classic disaster movie. Not in the sense that the plot revolves around a disaster, more that its entire concept and execution are themselves a total disaster. Joe is a cop who has allegedly been trained as a samurai, although his skills seem to amount to bulging his eyesContinue reading “Samurai Cop (1991)”
Guardians of Time (2022)
dir. Stephen Shimek How to even describe Guardians of Time? Four cousins enter a magical kingdom. They conveniently find four pieces of medallion scattered right nearby and fit it together. They soon meet a friendly alien. Then they’re attacked by an evil rhinoceros. But it’s okay, because a tiny dinosaur comes to save them. ThereContinue reading “Guardians of Time (2022)”
The Huntsman: Winter’s War (2016)
dir. Cedric Nicolas-Troyan In a fantasy kingdom, two sisters – one a queen with magical ice powers – must work through their estrangement and resentment. In the end, true love saves the day. It’s almost funny how obviously The Huntsman: Winter’s War rips off Frozen. Both a prequel and a sequel to 2012’s Snow WhiteContinue reading “The Huntsman: Winter’s War (2016)”
Deadly Honeymoon (2010)
dir. Paul Shapiro Lindsey (Summer Glau) and Trevor (Chris Carmack) go on a cruise for their honeymoon. But, as the title pretty much screams out, things don’t exactly go to plan. After Chris goes missing, an FBI agent (who is conveniently also on the ship) attempts to piece together what happened. Deadly Honeymoon is prettyContinue reading “Deadly Honeymoon (2010)”
Red, White & Royal Blue (2023)
dir. Matthew López Red, White & Royal Blue is based on the successful 2019 YA novel of the same name. The film makes liberal use of familiar YA romance tropes, from “opposites attract” to a fascination with royalty, and with all the typical one-note supporting characters. As with every single other tale in this vein,Continue reading “Red, White & Royal Blue (2023)”
Deck the Heart (2021)
dir. Candice T. Cain This film is written and directed by Candy Cain. Can much more be said than that? Because Deck the Heart is about as cloying and tiresome as its writer-director’s moniker – or, well, the idiotic name of the film itself. The baffling story follows Chris, a man who stands to inheritContinue reading “Deck the Heart (2021)”
After Everything (2023)
dir. Castille Landon They’re still going. The only vague consolation to be had from this, the fifth entry in the hideous After saga (after After, After We Collided, After We Fell, and After Ever Happy) is that this is supposedly, finally, the last one. But that still doesn’t justify its wretched existence. After their millionthContinue reading “After Everything (2023)”
The Flash (2023)
dir. Andy Muschietti The Flash is genuinely remarkable, perhaps even impressive, in how it manages to get every single thing wrong. The plot is bad: time travel and musings on changing fate are used to fuel a storyline in which very little of consequence happens, and where the fundamental message is contradictory and confusing. TheContinue reading “The Flash (2023)”
The Portable Door (2023)
dir. Jeffrey Walker It has to be hoped, even assumed, that the book on which The Portable Door is based has much more depth, character, and general sense to it than this film adaptation. Our protagonist Paul is shown as a perpetually late, hapless, bumbling sort who can’t work a toaster properly and goes onContinue reading “The Portable Door (2023)”
The House with a Clock in its Walls (2018)
dir. Eli Roth John Bellairs’ 1973 mystery novel The House with a Clock in its Walls was lauded by critics and readers alike as a clever, compelling, creepy children’s mystery. Unfortunately this film adaptation does not manage to be clever or compelling, while its occasional creepy moments are so incongruous as to be more bafflingContinue reading “The House with a Clock in its Walls (2018)”
Mafia Mamma (2023)
dir. Catherine Hardwicke As her son departs for college and she discovers her husband’s been having an affair, Kristen (Toni Collette) decides something needs to change. She learns her estranged grandfather has died and travels to Italy for the funeral, only to discover his wish that Kristen take over his mafia empire. Hijinks, predictably, ensue.Continue reading “Mafia Mamma (2023)”
Blackbird (2018)
dir. Michael Flatley It is near-impossible to sum up the plot of Blackbird, primarily because it doesn’t really have one. Our protagonist Victor Blackley (Michael Flatley) runs a luxury resort in the Caribbean. The prologue and ensuing erratic split-second flashbacks indicate he’s tortured by the memory of failing to save his wife from being murderedContinue reading “Blackbird (2018)”
Birdemic 3: Sea Eagle (2022)
dir. James Nguyen After the lightning-in-a-bottle insanity of Birdemic was followed by the still entertaining but notably more self-aware Birdemic 2: The Resurrection, it was easy to believe that Birdemic 3 may be a little too on-the-nose for enjoyment. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, James Nguyen’s capacity for self-awareness is strictly limited. There’s the odd flatContinue reading “Birdemic 3: Sea Eagle (2022)”
Beast (2022)
dir. Baltasar Kormákur In Beast, Nate (Idris Elba) and his daughters are besieged by a lion. Not just any lion, either – a lion which seems to have no sense of smell (as it seems unable to detect a human who is simply the other side of a tree), no peripheral vision (ditto the above),Continue reading “Beast (2022)”
Dungeons and Dragons (2000)
dir. Courtney Solomon Even though Dungeons and Dragons doesn’t have the adventurous spirit of the role-playing game it’s named after, there’s one curious way they can be compared. In the role-playing game, players are encouraged to be as creative as possible, which makes for a varied and exciting gaming experience. This movie strangely has theContinue reading “Dungeons and Dragons (2000)”
Run (2020)
dir. Aneesh Chaganty It’s about Munchausen’s. That’s not even a spoiler – or it shouldn’t be, because Diane’s (Sarah Paulson) systematic abuse of her chronically ill daughter Chloe (Kiera Allen) is obvious about four minutes into the movie. Yet Run draws this out for an incredibly long time. It starts getting baffling pretty quickly, fromContinue reading “Run (2020)”
The Village (2004)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan In a remote village, seemingly circa 19th century, inhabitants are terrorised by violent creatures dwelling in the surrounding woods. When it’s necessary to get medicine for an injured resident, Ivy (Bryce Dallas Howard) ventures out to find it. The fact she’s blind is handled extremely poorly – she seems to seeContinue reading “The Village (2004)”
Dear Evan Hansen (2021)
dir. Stephen Chbosky Dear Evan Hansen might well be the best ever example of a film trying so hard to be seen saying something that it says nothing at all. Its musings on teen drama, suicide, mental health, love, family, and maturity are completely undermined by its tick-box approach to each of these concepts. OurContinue reading “Dear Evan Hansen (2021)”
The Magic Pudding (2000)
dir. Karl Zwicky Horrendous. It is just horrendous. The Magic Pudding is based on a beloved Australian children’s classic book, and one can only hope the source material isn’t as horrendous as the adaptation. The story is horrendous: a koala bear goes in search of his lost parents, only to encounter a magical pudding whichContinue reading “The Magic Pudding (2000)”
Dream Horse (2020)
dir. Euros Lyn Dream Horse is an absolutely confounding film. Based on a true story, it tells the tale of Dream Alliance, a racehorse bred in a village who beat the odds to become a champion. The film swiftly loses appeal for anyone who is not very, very interested in horseracing, because the attempts toContinue reading “Dream Horse (2020)”
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Story (2007)
dir. Uwe Boll While being somewhat based on the Dungeon Siege video games, a more egregious attempt to rip off The Lord of the Rings than In the Name of the King is hard to come by. A king returning to claim his throne, hulking orc rip-offs, and ethereal wood-dwellers are but some of theContinue reading “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Story (2007)”
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (2000)
dir. Phil Roman Watching this Christmas television movie is genuinely one of the most bizarre viewing experiences possible. Based on the irritating novelty song of the same name, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer manages to fit an unprecedented amount of insanity in less than an hour. When young Jake sees his grandma hitContinue reading “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (2000)”
Arthur and the Minimoys / Arthur and the Invisibles (2006)
dir. Luc Besson Luc Besson wrote a series of fantasy novels for children, featuring young boy protagonist Arthur and his adventures with the miniature creatures named Minimoys. If the first film adaptation – naturally helmed by Besson himself – is anything to go by, these books simply cannot be any good. Blending live action andContinue reading “Arthur and the Minimoys / Arthur and the Invisibles (2006)”
Die Wolf-Gäng / The Magic Kids: Three Unlikely Heroes (2020)
dir. Tim Trageser A young boy joins a school for magical people and makes swift friends with an awkward ginger boy and an over-achieving smart girl. Their obstacles include a troll, a forbidden library, a chamber of magical puzzles, and bullying from their snide blonde classmate and his two hulking cronies. The extent to whichContinue reading “Die Wolf-Gäng / The Magic Kids: Three Unlikely Heroes (2020)”
The Lord of the Rings (1978)
dir. Ralph Bakshi The 1970s weren’t exactly a prolific time for animation, meaning audiences were looking for the next big thing in the medium. The Lord of the Rings was not it. Based on the Tolkien trilogy – though only going as far as part-way through the second book, with its planned sequel never comingContinue reading “The Lord of the Rings (1978)”
Pottersville (2017)
dir. Seth Henrikson Watching Pottersville is, quite frankly, a dizzying experience. The plot is utterly off the rails, beginning with the owner of a general store in idyllic Pottersville discovering his wife is a furry, part of a “furry sex club” along with the town sheriff and many other locals. As this wasn’t already bizarreContinue reading “Pottersville (2017)”
Amsterdam (2022)
dir. David O. Russell Amsterdam is an absolutely inexplicable film, in that it’s very difficult to understand what on earth is going on at any given moment. The twisting, turning plot somehow manages to be convoluted and completely boring at the same time. The characters are so thinly drawn that it’s impossible to care what’sContinue reading “Amsterdam (2022)”
Soul Man (1986)
dir. Steve Miner Soul Man follows Mark, a graduate applying to Harvard Law School who takes skin-tanning pills in order to black up and falsely claim a scholarship for African American students. The film is exactly as horrendous, as unbelievable, as obscene as that sounds. None of the comedy lands, not even for a moment,Continue reading “Soul Man (1986)”
We Are Your Friends (2015)
dir. Max Joseph There are many films which revolve around a close-knit group of friends – it’s a fairly typical set-up. We Are Your Friends sets itself apart by containing quite possibly the most obnoxious, brash, self-entitled group of friends ever depicted in a movie before. At the centre is Cole (Zac Efron), intent onContinue reading “We Are Your Friends (2015)”
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
dir. Andy Fickman Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is pretty much identical to Paul Blart: Mall Cop, except this time he’s in a Vegas hotel instead of mall. There’s also a brief, bizarre moment of respite featuring a pianist smiling in a garden, playing serene music while Kevin James is attacked by a bird, butContinue reading “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)”
Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)
dir. Steve Carr Paul Blart: Mall Cop is 90 minutes of Kevin James rolling around on a Segway, saving a mall from bad guys in between making fat jokes and being generally useless. It is extremely bad. Nothing is funny, and no one is likeable. There is nothing else to be said about Paul Blart:Continue reading “Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)”
Disenchanted (2022)
dir. Adam Shankman Considering that Disney’s 2007 fairy-tale send-up Enchanted is a genuinely clever, charming film, it’s even more disappointing that its sequel is so rushed, lazy and uninspired. Set ten years after the original, fairy-tale protagonist Giselle (Amy Adams) lives happily with her family in New York, but soon after moving to suburbia, sheContinue reading “Disenchanted (2022)”
Iron Sky (2012)
dir. Timo Vuorensola Iron Sky is about as depressingly on-the-nose as a self-aware pastiche can get. With a premise that essentially boils down to “Nazis on the moon”, it’s obvious how much it’s trying to fit into the “so bad it’s good” genre. But with its coarse attempts at edginess (the Nazis white up aContinue reading “Iron Sky (2012)”
The Cell (2000)
dir. Tarsem Singh It is genuinely embarrassing to see how much The Cell is trying versus how little it actually achieves. The story follows child psychologist Catherine (Jennifer Lopez, about as ineffectual as you can imagine) who uses special technology to delve into her patients’ minds through a realm akin to virtual reality. Her skillsContinue reading “The Cell (2000)”
Wicker Park (2004)
dir. Paul McGuigan This should be a fairly simple, straightforward romance about a man becoming reacquainted with his lost love, but Wicker Park turns its central premise into a dizzying rollercoaster ride of insane plot twists, confusing character motivations and terrible direction. A non-linear timeline structure reveals Matt (Josh Harnett) and Lisa (Diane Kruger) brokeContinue reading “Wicker Park (2004)”
Look Both Ways (2022)
dir. Wanuri Kahiu Look Both Ways is but the latest take on the Sliding Doors concept of a person’s life branching off in different potential directions. The movie follows college graduate Natalie across two potential realities: one where she has a baby, and one where she doesn’t. Her life with her baby-daddy is more domestic,Continue reading “Look Both Ways (2022)”
Fullmetal Alchemist: The Final Alchemy (2022)
dir. Fumihiko Sori The Final Alchemy, in a way, achieves something absolutely spectacular. Because Fullmetal Alchemist already had very bad CGI. The Revenge of Scar continued that tradition and boasted similarly terrible CGI. But despite the bar already being so low it’s being melted by the Earth’s core, The Final Alchemy impressively manages to containContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist: The Final Alchemy (2022)”
Fullmetal Alchemist: The Revenge of Scar (2022)
dir. Fumihiko Sori Unbelievably, despite the 2017 live-action Fullmetal Alchemist adaptation being horrendously subpar, somehow it was decided that the saga would continue. The Revenge of Scar continues its predecessor’s penchant for bad wigs, underwhelming action and shoddy CGI. In this instalment we’re following the supposedly epic journey of our villain-turned-ally Scar, whose ceaseless rageContinue reading “Fullmetal Alchemist: The Revenge of Scar (2022)”
Unstoppable (2010)
dir. Tony Scott If it weren’t for the fact that it genuinely did happen in real life, this story of two men chasing down a runaway freight train full of toxic chemicals would be too absurd to take seriously. Credit where it’s due, the core story is told pretty faithfully, and it’s a pretty remarkableContinue reading “Unstoppable (2010)”
After Ever Happy (2022)
dir. Castille Landon Quite unbelievably, After Ever Happy is the fourth installment in the miserable After series, following After, After We Collided, and After We Fell. Even more unbelievably, the worst thing about After Ever Happy is not its asinine title, but the movie that comes with it, during which our star-crossed duo Tessa andContinue reading “After Ever Happy (2022)”
Slaxx (2020)
dir. Elza Kephart A possessed pair of jeans begins a bloody crusade to murder the staff of a clothing store. From the premise alone, it’s obvious Slaxx is not meant to be taken seriously. Instead it’s one of those nudge-nudge, wink-wink, ostensibly self-aware films which revels in its own insanity. To an extent, it works.Continue reading “Slaxx (2020)”
The Boy Next Door (2015)
dir. Rob Cohen It’s almost impressive just how little of The Boy Next Door works. Recently separated Claire (a woefully underwhelming Jennifer Lopez) finds herself seduced, then stalked, by the eponymous young lad Noah (a hilariously terrible Ryan Guzman). Calling Ryan a “boy” is laughable considering the actor is quite obviously in his late twenties;Continue reading “The Boy Next Door (2015)”
Just Like Heaven (2005)
dir. Mark Waters The set-up of Just Like Heaven shouldn’t, theoretically, be all that complicated. The movie certainly ticks a few boxes in its opening scenes: we meet our frazzled workaholic Elizabeth (Reese Witherspoon), whose life revolves around her job as a doctor. Despite supposedly being an incredibly accomplished physician, she is ostensibly completely uselessContinue reading “Just Like Heaven (2005)”
North (1994)
dir. Rob Reiner North already hinges on a stupid premise: a kid named North (Elijah Wood) is fed-up of being underappreciated by his parents, so he legally “divorces” them. Nevermind that the parents demonstrably lavish all sorts of attention and affection on North – the film’s opening credits are set to a montage of hisContinue reading “North (1994)”
Norm of the North (2016)
dir. Trevor Wall There’s a lot of really obvious stuff to despise about Norm of the North, a film about the eponymous polar bear’s wacky adventures in the course of finding his true self. There’s the lazy animation, in which characters’ textures often look stiff and rubbery, and the same boring, flailing polar bear danceContinue reading “Norm of the North (2016)”
The Lorax (2012)
dir. Chris Renaud The whole point of Dr Seuss’ stories was to use simple imagery and engaging language to tell a profound moral. Sadly, this adaptation of The Lorax instead uses garbage imagery and garbage language to tell a garbage moral. The songs are loud and basic and annoying; the characters are loud and basicContinue reading “The Lorax (2012)”
Fatal Affair (2020)
dir. Peter Sullivan In Fatal Affair, a successful woman named Ellie meets an old college friend, David. They engage in a very brief amorous encounter before Ellie resists and returns to her life with her husband and daughter. However, David is instantly obsessed, and begins stalking Ellie, basically pursuing every available avenue to get herContinue reading “Fatal Affair (2020)”
The Switch (2010)
dir. Will Speck, Josh Gordon The Switch is quite frankly a disgusting film. Disgusting in a moral sense, disgusting in a physical sense – just an all-round nauseating experience. Kassie (Jennifer Aniston) is in her late thirties and keen to have a child, so she decides to search for a sperm donor. Her best friendContinue reading “The Switch (2010)”
Love Actually (2003)
dir. Richard Curtis There is very little to be said about Love Actually‘s many glaring flaws that hasn’t all been said before, but considering this vapid, cloying, frankly harmful film’s still-enduring popularity, much of it bears repeating. Love Actually is almost entirely hinged on the idea of self-deluded men being chronically arrogant, selfish, and shallow,Continue reading “Love Actually (2003)”
Deep Water (2022)
dir. Adrian Lyne Deep Water is just a thoroughly unpleasant film. The story follows Vic (Ben Affleck), the wealthy husband of the alluring and mysterious Melinda (Ana de Armas). They have a young daughter (and they also adopt a dog, who is very cute but contributes nothing to the film at all except making itContinue reading “Deep Water (2022)”
Fear of Rain (2021)
dir. Castille Landon 17-year-old Rain is suffering from early on-set schizophrenia. A new boy at school seems to develop a spontaneous interest in her, but while she’s suffering with chronic delusions, how can Rain know whether he exists or not? This is the premise of an insufferably predictive movie which is far, far less cleverContinue reading “Fear of Rain (2021)”
The Perfect Date (2019)
dir. Chris Nelson High school student Brooks Rattigan is absolutely obsessed with the idea of going to Yale University, but is worried he can’t afford it. He therefore gets his geeky best friend to set up an app, essentially pimping Brooks out as an escort (but a nicely sanitised, teen movie-friendly one who’s never onceContinue reading “The Perfect Date (2019)”
The Dish & the Spoon (2011)
dir. Alison Bagnall It is genuinely difficult to sum up The Dish & the Spoon in mere words, but some options would include: hideous; disgusting; offensive; baffling; infuriating. The story – far too kind a word – follows late-twenty-something Rose, played by mumblecore darling Greta Gerwig, who’s just discovered her husband has been having anContinue reading “The Dish & the Spoon (2011)”
The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (2004)
dir. Peter Winther The Librarian might well be one of the all-time oddest franchises to ever exist. The so-called “Librarian” is actually a retriever and keeper of a series of magical historic artifacts – in this inaugural feature these are revealed to include Pandora’s Box, Excalibur, and the Golden Fleece, among many others. Our newlyContinue reading “The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (2004)”
300 (2006)
dir. Zack Snyder Few people can do testosterone-fuelled nonsensical violence like Zack Snyder. 300, his very loose retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC, is filled with all the classic Snyder tropes. Unnecessarily saturated colour! Going slow-motion then fast-motion then slow-motion again! Men yelling about blood and honour! A single woman given aContinue reading “300 (2006)”
Dominator (2003)
dir. Tony Luke The fact that Dominator even exists is an absolute mind-bend. It’s based on what is purported to be the first British manga (a questionable claim in itself), which revolves around Dominator, a demonic entity who is unleashed from hell when a trio of unsuspecting hot girls play a forbidden chord on theirContinue reading “Dominator (2003)”
Press Play (2022)
dir. Greg Björkman Unless they’re willing to put in a lot of thought, research and effort, scriptwriters should generally stay away from time travel. Unfortunately, it does not seem as though the writers of Press Play put in even the barest amount of time, research or effort. Some years after Laura’s boyfriend has died, sheContinue reading “Press Play (2022)”
Dunston Checks In (1996)
dir. Ken Kwapis Imagine Home Alone, but with all the charm and intelligence removed, and replaced instead with an orangutan running around a hotel. That’s, essentially, Dunston Checks In. Two boys live with their father in the hotel he runs, but oh no, a jewel thief and his sidekick orangutan arrive to cause mischief andContinue reading “Dunston Checks In (1996)”
The Baker (2007)
dir. Gareth Lewis A professional assassin wants a new life, and so he finds refuge by pretending to be a baker in a rural Welsh village. He’s got another assassin hot on his trail, and a bunch of murderous neighbours who’ve discovered his past and want to entail his services to kill their friends andContinue reading “The Baker (2007)”
Stuart Little (1999)
dir. Rob Minkoff It’s relatively easy to accept the premise of Stuart Little – a mouse gets adopted by a human family – because so much else of the movie is so nuts. The original book it’s based on is supposed to be pretty off-kilter too, but surely it’s not as weird as this. WhyContinue reading “Stuart Little (1999)”
Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)
dir. Tim Hill This imagining of Alvin and the Chipmunks came to the fore during a peak period for terrible children’s films. In this one, our vacuous protagonist Dave meets Alvin, Simon and Theodore – our titular chipmunks, digitally added in so badly that it’s regularly extremely obvious the live action actors are speaking toContinue reading “Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)”
Pentagram (2019)
dir. Steve Lawson Pentagram is about as paint-by-numbers as it’s possible for a budget horror film to be. A group of wayward teens – none of whom, incidentally, look remotely as though they’re played by actual teenagers – stumble upon a cursed pentagram in an abandoned house. Once they’ve entered the pentagram, they cannot leaveContinue reading “Pentagram (2019)”
The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012)
dir. Peter Hedges What an utterly bizarre idea for a story. Cindy (Jennifer Garner) and Jim (Joel Edgerton) are unable to conceive, and in their grief, they write a bunch of notes describing their dream child and bury them in the garden. Soon, an unfamiliar boy with leaves growing on his legs has popped upContinue reading “The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012)”
Psycho Stripper / Stripped / Bridal Nightmare (2019)
dir. Jake Helgren It’s seldom a good sign when a movie can’t even decide on its own name, but Psycho Stripper is still pretty straightforward. It’s exactly what its title(s) say it is. Our sweet boring protagonist Amber meets a stripper on her bachelorette party who winds up harbouring a dangerous obsession with her. There’sContinue reading “Psycho Stripper / Stripped / Bridal Nightmare (2019)”
The Sky Princess (2018)
dir. Dara Harper The Sky Princess is, frankly, a shame. There are some real glimmers of potential in it, here and there. Parts of the animation, like a patterned headdress here or a gleaming jewel earring there, look incredible. Some of the mythological concepts seem interesting, including the interplay of the sun and moon tribes,Continue reading “The Sky Princess (2018)”
The Princess (2022)
dir. Le-Van Kiet A princess (Joey King) wakes up at the top of a tower and has to use her martial arts skills to battle herself to freedom and save her family. There’s a whole lot of confusion around the story itself – a nobleman is trying to force the princess to marry him soContinue reading “The Princess (2022)”
Crash (2004)
dir. Paul Haggis With contenders like American Beauty, Green Book and CODA, it’s hard to say with absolute certainty what the all-time worst winner of the Oscar for Best Picture is. But there is a very, very strong argument to be made for Crash earning that title. Loosely interconnecting stories bring concepts of bigotry andContinue reading “Crash (2004)”
Morbius (2022)
dir. Daniel Espinosa What can possibly be said about Morbius that hasn’t already been said? This adaptation of a Marvel superhero who tries to cure a blood disease and turns himself into a vampire instead has already been lambasted on every corner of the internet, and rightfully so. It is nonsensical – what plot thereContinue reading “Morbius (2022)”
A Wrinkle in Time (2003)
dir. John Kent Harrison Presumably the 1962 novel by Madeleine L’Engle A Wrinkle in Time has some real merit to it, especially considering it spawned a big budget adaptation in 2018. Before that, there was this 2003 made-for-TV version. But whatever impressive features the novel may have, it’s difficult to imagine considering the poor qualityContinue reading “A Wrinkle in Time (2003)”
365 Dni: Ten Dzień / 365 Days: This Day (2022)
dir. Barbara Białowąs, Tomasz Mandes This sequel to the abominable 365 Days is, quite frankly, remarkable. Not because of its central toxic relationship, in which abuse, coercion and manipulation are cast as sexy and desirable. Not because of the silly mobster antics in the background which sometimes seem more like kids play-acting at gangsters thanContinue reading “365 Dni: Ten Dzień / 365 Days: This Day (2022)”
The Kissing Booth 3 (2021)
dir. Vince Marcello Exactly how and why two sequels to The Kissing Booth got made is anyone’s guess, but this third film is probably the worst of the lot. What little story there is once more revolves around Elle (Joey King), her creepy whiny incel best friend Lee (Joel Courtney), and his brother who’s alsoContinue reading “The Kissing Booth 3 (2021)”
xXx (2002)
dir. Rob Cohen In xXx‘s defence, it doesn’t exactly purport to be highbrow fare. Xander Cage (an almost giddily happy and invested Vin Diesel) is some kind of extreme sports professional-slash-protester (it’s not fully clear), who’s recruited to become a National Security Agency spy. Like in many spy films before it and since, xXx‘s chiefContinue reading “xXx (2002)”
A Wrinkle in Time (2018)
dir. Ava DuVernay It makes no sense. It just makes no sense. A Wrinkle in Time is based on a children’s book which spawned an entire series, so you have to hope it makes more sense than this inscrutable film. The story follows Meg, a young girl whose scientist father has been missing for fourContinue reading “A Wrinkle in Time (2018)”
Fantasy Island (2020)
dir. Jeff Wadlow A horror reinvention of the 1970s TV show, Fantasy Island operates on the basic, very well-trodden premise of “Be careful what you wish for”. A group of strangers arrive on the eponymous island, having been promised it has the power to make their deepest dream come true. Of course, everything winds upContinue reading “Fantasy Island (2020)”
Good Mourning (2022)
dir. Machine Gun Kelly, Mod Sun A day in the life of London (Machine Gun Kelly), an actor and stoner who gets a very slightly odd text from his girlfriend one morning and subsequently goes into a tailspin complete with wacky adventures. The big conflict of Good Mourning is London deciding whether to go toContinue reading “Good Mourning (2022)”
Dracula 2000 (2000)
dir. Patrick Lussier A group of thieves infiltrate a highly secured underground vault, expecting to find valuables. Instead, they discover a coffin. Dracula has been restrained here, but now he’s been unleashed upon the world again. So far, so Dracula – but Dracula 2000 takes the story of the famous vampires to absolutely ludicrous places.Continue reading “Dracula 2000 (2000)”
Rings (2017)
dir. F. Javier Gutiérrez Like so many horror sequels before and since, Rings hinges on the idea that the essence of a good horror film (like The Ring) can be emulated and exploited by trying to squeeze every single conceivable plot spin-off from it that can possibly be dreamt up. In Rings, college student JuliaContinue reading “Rings (2017)”
Love and Gelato (2022)
dir. Brandon Camp In Love and Gelato, high school graduate Lina grants her deceased mother’s wishes by visiting Italy the summer before she starts college. Cue a clichéd, cloying adventure in which she finds herself, and quite possibly true love too. Lina is the absolute peak the of frazzled rom-com “every girl” heroine archetype: sheContinue reading “Love and Gelato (2022)”
365 dni / 365 Days (2020)
dir. Barbara Białowąs, Tomasz Mandes Fifty Shades of Grey really does have a lot to answer for. Had it never existed, perhaps we wouldn’t be saddled with the likes of 365 Days, a movie based around the idea that kidnapping, abuse and coercion aren’t immoral, abhorrent, or harmful – they’re sexy! Our protagonist Laura isContinue reading “365 dni / 365 Days (2020)”
The Purge (2013)
dir. James DeMonaco The Purge managed to achieve almost instant fame when it came out. To its vague credit, it’s a memorable premise. In the America of the future (as far away as 2022, no less), all crime has been eradicated except for one legally mandated night a year, during which violence and murder areContinue reading “The Purge (2013)”
Moonfall (2022)
dir. Roland Emmerich Roland Emmerich, king of unhinged disaster movies like The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, has inexplicably managed to outdo even himself with Moonfall. The plot is centred around the moon going off orbit and falling towards the Earth, causing all manner of disasters like tsunamis, comets – and a gravitational aberration whichContinue reading “Moonfall (2022)”
The Swan Princess: A Royal Wedding (2020)
dir. Richard Rich How 1994’s underwhelming animated movie The Swan Princess became a fully-fledged franchise is a mystery lost to the ages. Regardless, with A Royal Wedding they made it to the tenth instalment. The original film’s central couple, Princess Odette and Price Derek, are now having adventures in historic China alongside their talking animalContinue reading “The Swan Princess: A Royal Wedding (2020)”
Scottish Mussel (2015)
dir. Talulah Riley The mere existence of Scottish Mussel beggars belief. Talulah Riley, star of St Trinian’s and twice ex-wife of Elon Musk, decided to write, direct, and star in a romantic comedy about a Glaswegian slacker and his zany sidekicks who enter the high-stakes world of illegal mussel pearl theft. Our protagonist falls hopelesslyContinue reading “Scottish Mussel (2015)”
Pinocchio: A True Story (2021)
dir. Vasiliy Rovenskiy The USA English-language dub of Pinocchio: A True Story achieved online fame when the trailer was widely shared by disbelieving viewers. “Father,” intones Pauly Shore in a robotic monotone, before culminating in a lilting whinge with “when can I leave to be on my ooowwwn? I’ve got the whole worrrld to see.”Continue reading “Pinocchio: A True Story (2021)”
The Truth About Emanuel (2013)
dir. Francesca Gregorini Emanuel (Kaya Scodelario) is a supposedly edgy – indicated by how much she likes to roll her eyes and yell about jerking off – teenager, who has never truly dealt with her feelings of guilt over her birth coinciding with her mother’s death. When Linda (Jessica Biel) moves in next-door with herContinue reading “The Truth About Emanuel (2013)”
The Water Man (2020)
dir. David Oyelowo The strange thing about The Water Man isn’t that somewhere in there, there’s a half-decent film. It’s more that somewhere in there, there are several different half-decent films. There’s a half-decent coming-of-age movie about a boy facing his understanding of mortality. There’s a half-decent movie about the boy exploring his life andContinue reading “The Water Man (2020)”
Old (2021)
dir. M. Night Shyamalan M. Night Shyamalan was having a half-decent run in his partnership with Universal Pictures, releasing the likes of The Visit, Split, and Glass – hardly groundbreaking, but generally well-received. No wonder Old had to come along to mess it all up. The premise is peak Shyamalan madness: a beach makes peopleContinue reading “Old (2021)”
The King’s Daughter (2022)
dir. Sean McNamara The King’s Daughter is ostensibly based on beloved 1997 fantasy novel The Moon and the Sun, but it’s extremely difficult to place the two in the same regard. The book, for example, delved into immersive plotlines to forage meaningful character arcs and relationships. Meanwhile, the film portrays the extent of our heroineContinue reading “The King’s Daughter (2022)”
Basmati Blues (2017)
dir. Danny Baron When an American rom-com musical elects to call itself Basmati Blues, there’s no pretending it’s going to be anything other than insipid racist garbage. Perhaps there’s a noble intent somewhere in there to emulate the spectacle and glamour of Bollywood, but Basmati Blues trades in any mere hope of spectacle or glamourContinue reading “Basmati Blues (2017)”
The Possession of Hannah Grace / Cadaver (2018)
dir. Diederik van Rooijen The worst thing about The Possession of Hannah Grace isn’t its cheap scares. Yes, the movie primarily deals in shrieks and underwhelming body horror more likely to provoke shouts of laughter than of terror – but this isn’t the worst thing. And the worst thing about it isn’t its ill-defined, boringContinue reading “The Possession of Hannah Grace / Cadaver (2018)”
Christmas is Cancelled (2021)
dir. Prarthana Mohan In Christmas is Cancelled, twenty-something-year-old Emma is appalled to discover her fifty-something-year-old widower father Jack has been dating her former neighbour, high school classmate and “frenemy”, twenty-something-year-old Brandy. Rather than treating Emma’s shock with sensitivity and patience, Jack and Brandy instead practically bludgeon her over the head with this new state ofContinue reading “Christmas is Cancelled (2021)”
The Haunting (1999)
dir. Jan de Bont Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House has proved itself successful fodder for screen adaptations, from the 1963 movie The Haunting through to the 2018 TV series The Haunting of Hill House. Unfortunately, 1999’s cinematic iteration managed to produce the antithesis of these retellings: it is devoid of likeable characters, devoidContinue reading “The Haunting (1999)”
Father Christmas is Back (2021)
dir. Philippe Martinez and Mick Davis Classic Christmas films, from It’s a Wonderful Life to Home Alone, are centred around the joy and warmth of family. After all, Christmas is supposed to be a time of giving, goodwill, and love. So why Father Christmas is Back decided to base a Christmas film around the mostContinue reading “Father Christmas is Back (2021)”
The Core (2003)
dir. Jon Amiel The premise of The Core is so profoundly stupid that it’s hard not to laugh. The liquid outer core of the Earth has stopped spinning, so a team of hero scientists needs to drill down to the centre of the planet and set off some nuclear bombs to restore rotation. Incredibly convenientContinue reading “The Core (2003)”
Ma (2019)
dir. Tate Taylor Ma was always advertised as a film where a group of teenagers decide to party out in a woman’s basement, only for the woman to barricade them in and torment them. As a premise, this genuinely isn’t bad. The claustrophobic setting of the basement adds to the dread, only compounded by theContinue reading “Ma (2019)”
Love Hard (2021)
dir. Hernán Jiménez Churning out insipid rom-coms is practically a compulsion for Netflix, so the existence of Love Hard comes as no surprise. A woman on the west coast matches with a man on the east coast in a dating app, only to spontaneously visit him and learn he looks nothing like he claimed. AndContinue reading “Love Hard (2021)”
Next (2007)
dir. Lee Tamahori Next is an extremely difficult film to discuss. Not because it’s remotely complicated, although the film oozes self-importance over its own convoluted premise. Nicolas Cage plays a magician who can see a few minutes into his own future, although he acknowledges any future he sees cannot happen because he’s seen it, andContinue reading “Next (2007)”
The Dog Who Saved the Holidays (2012)
dir. Michael Feifer Quite how this dog has managed to spawn an entire series is anyone’s guess, but thus far he has managed to save Christmas, Christmas Vacation, Halloween, Easter, and Summer, as well as simply the Holidays (which, yes, is just Christmas again). Joey Lawrence provides the whiny inner monologue of the pooch, Zeus,Continue reading “The Dog Who Saved the Holidays (2012)”
Murder, She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Mystery (2015)
dir. Mark Jean Inexplicably, this is but the first of a series of Murder, She Baked movies. And despite the titles, chocolate chip cookies have nothing whatsoever to do with the story. Baker Hannah utilises her amateur detective skills after her friend and delivery driver is murdered outside her bakery. Of course, none of theContinue reading “Murder, She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Mystery (2015)”
Diana (2021)
dir. Christopher Ashley One of humanity’s greatest failures is that we live in a world where at least two musicals based on Princess Diana exist. This latest imagining manages to make Karen Sokolof Javitch’s terrible amateur theatre production seem somehow more bearable. Because that one had no budget. What this one’s excuse? Judging by theContinue reading “Diana (2021)”
The Love Guru (2008)
dir. Marco Schnabel This is a 2008 film starring Mike Myers as an Indian sex and relationships guru. Was it ever going to go well, in any conceivable reality? Even if Mike Myers himself wasn’t so corrosively irritating – lisping in a pseudo-Eastern European accent which doesn’t sound remotely Indian, and talking at the cameraContinue reading “The Love Guru (2008)”
After We Fell (2021)
dir. Castille Landon One begrudging point of credit must go to After We Fell: it’s marginally less annoying than its predecessors After and After We Collided. Sure, our star-crossed lovers Tessa and Hardin still don’t seem to have worked out that deceit, sexual manipulation and aggression aren’t the healthiest foundation for a relationship. And sure,Continue reading “After We Fell (2021)”
Lady in the Water (2006)
dir. M Night Shyamalan The Lady in the Water is but a simple fairy tale. It follows a water nymph Narf – in this case the almighty Madam Narf, named Story – in her quest to find the Writer, or Vessel, so that she may inspire his work of great political change (incidentally, this nobleContinue reading “Lady in the Water (2006)”
Jiu Jitsu (2020)
dir. Dimitri Logothetis Jiu Jitsu is a truly baffling experience. The plot is beyond confusing: every six years, martial artists have to fight an alien race, but now a comet has appeared in the sky and made the ritual different and more dangerous for some reason, but the aliens – although we only ever actuallyContinue reading “Jiu Jitsu (2020)”
Afterlife of the Party (2021)
dir. Stephen Herek Victoria Justice stars as Cassie – a twenty-five-year-old woman who speaks, dresses and behaves like a girl ten years younger – whose life meets with an abrupt end after she somehow drunkenly slams her head on the toilet. She wakes up in the afterlife, is greeted by a guardian angel, and isContinue reading “Afterlife of the Party (2021)”
The Tomorrow War (2021)
dir. Chris McKay Time travel is extremely difficult to tell a coherent story about. Even the best attempts, like Donnie Darko, Palm Springs, Terminator, or Your Name begin to fall apart as soon as underpinning logic is thought about a bit too much. All of those movies work well, though, because of their internal consistencyContinue reading “The Tomorrow War (2021)”
Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021)
dir. Malcolm D. Lee The tragedy of Space Jam: A New Legacy (and many sequels of its ilk) isn’t just that it’s an awful movie. It’s that it so entirely misses the point of what made the original a beloved classic. Gone are the wry self-referential jokes, the world-building, the clever fusion of animation andContinue reading “Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021)”
World Trade Center (2006)
dir. Oliver Stone A movie based on the true story of two police officers rescued from under the World Trade Center’s rubble on 9/11 needs to be handled with care, sensitivity, and a consistent commitment to realism. Yet World Trade Center doesn’t really do any of this. Half of the movie is too dark toContinue reading “World Trade Center (2006)”
Holidate (2020)
dir. John Whitesell With Holidate, humankind finally has a movie brave enough to acknowledge the desperate pain and shame we all fear if we don’t have a date on Cinco de Mayo. The premise – generic white woman Sloane meets generic white man Jackson, and the two agree to be each other’s dates for holidaysContinue reading “Holidate (2020)”
Wicked (2021)
dir. Taryn O’Neill Passionflix’s Wicked somehow manages to be so generic and so derivative that it becomes its own bizarre phenomenon. Tropes are shamelessly stolen from pretty much all fantasy stories ever: as our heroine Ivy battles nefarious beings in the night, it’s an obvious attempt to emulate Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her burgeoning romanceContinue reading “Wicked (2021)”
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