dir. Tom Shadyac Patch Adams purports to tell the story of real-life doctor Hunter Adams, but considering the subject’s vehement denouncement of the film, it’s easy to see that it’s anything but a faithful portrayal. Robin Williams plays Hunter “Patch” Adams, a man inspired to become a doctor after a depressive episode. He champions aContinue reading “Patch Adams (1998)”
Category Archives: Comedy
Christmas With the Singhs (2024)
dir. Panta Mosleh Asha and Jake are old high school acquaintances who reunite and get together in adulthood. When Jake proposes, it’s time for them to meet each other’s families (which ideally would’ve happened much earlier, but that’s a whole other issue). And it’s Christmas! So Asha and Jake find themselves trying to appease bothContinue reading “Christmas With the Singhs (2024)”
Hanukkah on the Rocks (2024)
dir. Séan Geraughty Most of Hanukkah on the Rocks plays out exactly like a typical Hallmark holiday movie. Tori loses her job as a high-powered lawyer, but discovers a new lease of life when she becomes a bartender at a local bar. Of course, she meets an incredibly bland man there who becomes her passionateContinue reading “Hanukkah on the Rocks (2024)”
My Oxford Year (2025)
dir. Iain Morris American student Anna arrives in Oxford to study Victorian poetry for a year. The very premise is already unconvincing due to the inconsistent picture of Anna. She’s a supposed literary genius, although her bookshelf seems to only consist of famous, obvious classics like Jane Eyre and Emma. When she goes to aContinue reading “My Oxford Year (2025)”
The Shaggy Dog (2006)
dir. Brian Robbins The premise of this reboot movie, The Shaggy Dog, sounds completely insane. Because it is. Tim Allen plays a man who is bitten by a sacred immortal dog. This means he is now able to transform into a dog, although only sometimes, and it’s never quite clear what exactly provokes the transformation.Continue reading “The Shaggy Dog (2006)”
Quigley / Daddy Dog Day (2003)
dir. William Byron Hillman “Sarah, the dog’s cute, but this is ridiculous.” This line of dialogue pretty much sums up the entirety of Quigley, in which Gary Busey’s generic workaholic billionaire dies and gets turned into a dog named Quigley to make up for his sins. Much of the film has no real plot andContinue reading “Quigley / Daddy Dog Day (2003)”
Bubble Boy (2001)
dir. Blair Hayes Jimmy (Jake Gyllenhaal) has lived in a sterilised plastic dome since birth due to having no immune system. Due to his isolation and overbearing mother, he is stuck in a naive, childlike state throughout his life. When his friend says she is leaving to get married, Jimmy decides to leave his homeContinue reading “Bubble Boy (2001)”
Kinda Pregnant (2025)
dir. Tyler Spindel In Kinda Pregnant, Lainy (Amy Schumer) plays a woman who straps a fake belly to herself and pretends to be pregnant. Rather than treating this as the psychological horror show that it is, Kinda Pregnant instead decides this is an adorably kooky and totally relatable way to behave, with Lainy being playedContinue reading “Kinda Pregnant (2025)”
The Master of Disguise (2002)
dir. Perry Andelin Blake Why. Why does this exist. Dana Carvey plays the idiotically-named, and generally idiotic, Pistachio Disguisey. He spends most of his time doing dumb voices and staring goofily with his mouth hanging open, until he’s embroiled in a contrived adventure involving donning a variety of disguises to foil an evil mastermind whoContinue reading “The Master of Disguise (2002)”
Christmas on Windmill Way (2023)
dir. Don McBrearty When a movie has “windmill” in the title, it shouldn’t be a surprise that there’s a focus on windmills. And yet, there is just so much about windmills in Christmas on Windmill Way that it’s hard to be prepared. Mia (Christa Taylor Brown) works in a windmill that her great-grandfather built. InsideContinue reading “Christmas on Windmill Way (2023)”
Irish Wish (2024)
dir. Janeen Damian It’s a good start when, in a film called Irish Wish, neither the protagonist nor her two love interests is Irish. Lindsay Lohan plays Maddie, a book editor secretly in love with Paul (Alexander Vlahos), her bestselling author. But it seems Paul only has eyes for Maddie’s best friend. In Ireland forContinue reading “Irish Wish (2024)”
A Christmas Star (2015)
dir. Richard Mark Elson Noelle is born on Christmas Day in a small Irish town. Growing up, she seems to have the power to perform miracles – specifically, to stop people fighting and make them care for each other instead. Her father works at the local snowglobe factory, and the entire town is shocked thatContinue reading “A Christmas Star (2015)”
Baking Up Love (2021)
dir. Candice T. Cain Another one from the infamous director of Deck the Heart, with all the familiar low budget production and terrible acting we’ve come to know and love. One of the additional problems facing Baking Up Love is that it doesn’t really know what film it wants to be. Does it want toContinue reading “Baking Up Love (2021)”
Hot Frosty (2024)
dir. Jerry Ciccoritti It was never going to be a good movie. The premise is simply “sexy snowman comes to life”; it was never going to be a good movie. And yet, somehow, Hot Frosty still manages to fall short of expectations. The story is beyond insane, but rather than whisking the audience away onContinue reading “Hot Frosty (2024)”
White Chicks (2004)
dir. Keenen Ivory Wayans It’s understandable that comedies from the early 2000s may not hold up so well decades ago, but White Chicks didn’t even hold up when it first landed. Marlon and Shawn Wayans play two FBI agent brothers who are charged with hunting down a kidnapper. The kidnapper is said to be targettingContinue reading “White Chicks (2004)”
Soul Plane (2004)
dir. Jessy Terrero Soul Plane is not intended to be taken all that seriously. Our main character Nashawn (Kevin Hart) wins $100 million in damages after an aviation accident, and decides to start his own airline. Antics ensue. Essentially, this is supposed to be a black homage to Airplane!, and there is the occasional genuinelyContinue reading “Soul Plane (2004)”
IF (2024)
dir. John Krasinski Understanding that an ‘IF’ is an Imaginary Friend, it feels reasonable to assume that John Krasinski came up with the title and then tried to build a film around it. There certainly isn’t anything else which warrants this movie being made. Our twelve-year-old protagonist Bea is living with her grandmother while herContinue reading “IF (2024)”
Ghoster (2022)
dir. Ryan Bellgardt Just looking at the poorly designed CGI eponymous character, it’s obvious that this is a brazen attempt to rip off 1995’s Casper. This movie’s protagonist, though, comes with a much more convoluted backstory, as well as a much more convoluted story in the movie itself. The story: a man and his daughterContinue reading “Ghoster (2022)”
The School for Good and Evil (2022)
dir. Paul Feig There was a lot of buzz for this movie before it was released. A well-regarded director and a cast including the likes of Cate Blanchett, Laurence Fishburne, Charlize Theron and Michelle Yeoh, bringing to life the first in a highly popular series of books. Unfortunately, The School for Good and Evil hasContinue reading “The School for Good and Evil (2022)”
The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: The Lost Secret (2023)
dir. Ryan Bellgardt, Chris Hoyt Because just one Adventure of Jurassic Pet wasn’t enough! The Lost Secret has all the familiar terrible effects, terrible acting, terrible story, and terrible characterisation of its predecessor, and then somehow manages to be even more terrible. There’s a baffling explanation about dinosaurs entering our world via a magic doorContinue reading “The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: The Lost Secret (2023)”
The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: Chapter 1 (2019)
dir. Ryan Bellgardt The title alone is a good hint as to the levels of insanity in this film, although it’s far more bizarre than anyone could expect. A lot of it follows typical ’90s family film clichés – a school trip to a museum! A plucky kid! A knowing mentor figure! A pseudo-magical creatureContinue reading “The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: Chapter 1 (2019)”
Shallow Hal (2001)
dir. Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly It is difficult to even discuss Shallow Hal without feeling queasy. The premise is bad enough. Hal (Jack Black) is hypnotised to see only people’s inner beauty, meaning he sees the overweight Rosemary (Gwyneth Paltrow) as a conventionally attractive, slim woman. Cue a plethora of pathetic fat jokes (made especiallyContinue reading “Shallow Hal (2001)”
Argylle (2024)
dir. Matthew Vaughan Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) is a shy, unassuming writer who’s enjoyed success with her espionage series about a spy named Argylle. Suddenly, she’s dragged into a real-life spy story when it transpires her books reflect real-life events. This premise could be intriguing if executed correctly, but Argylle clearly wasn’t able toContinue reading “Argylle (2024)”
Red, White & Royal Blue (2023)
dir. Matthew López Red, White & Royal Blue is based on the successful 2019 YA novel of the same name. The film makes liberal use of familiar YA romance tropes, from “opposites attract” to a fascination with royalty, and with all the typical one-note supporting characters. As with every single other tale in this vein,Continue reading “Red, White & Royal Blue (2023)”
Deck the Heart (2021)
dir. Candice T. Cain This film is written and directed by Candy Cain. Can much more be said than that? Because Deck the Heart is about as cloying and tiresome as its writer-director’s moniker – or, well, the idiotic name of the film itself. The baffling story follows Chris, a man who stands to inheritContinue reading “Deck the Heart (2021)”
The Flash (2023)
dir. Andy Muschietti The Flash is genuinely remarkable, perhaps even impressive, in how it manages to get every single thing wrong. The plot is bad: time travel and musings on changing fate are used to fuel a storyline in which very little of consequence happens, and where the fundamental message is contradictory and confusing. TheContinue reading “The Flash (2023)”
The Portable Door (2023)
dir. Jeffrey Walker It has to be hoped, even assumed, that the book on which The Portable Door is based has much more depth, character, and general sense to it than this film adaptation. Our protagonist Paul is shown as a perpetually late, hapless, bumbling sort who can’t work a toaster properly and goes onContinue reading “The Portable Door (2023)”
The House with a Clock in its Walls (2018)
dir. Eli Roth John Bellairs’ 1973 mystery novel The House with a Clock in its Walls was lauded by critics and readers alike as a clever, compelling, creepy children’s mystery. Unfortunately this film adaptation does not manage to be clever or compelling, while its occasional creepy moments are so incongruous as to be more bafflingContinue reading “The House with a Clock in its Walls (2018)”
Mafia Mamma (2023)
dir. Catherine Hardwicke As her son departs for college and she discovers her husband’s been having an affair, Kristen (Toni Collette) decides something needs to change. She learns her estranged grandfather has died and travels to Italy for the funeral, only to discover his wish that Kristen take over his mafia empire. Hijinks, predictably, ensue.Continue reading “Mafia Mamma (2023)”
The Magic Pudding (2000)
dir. Karl Zwicky Horrendous. It is just horrendous. The Magic Pudding is based on a beloved Australian children’s classic book, and one can only hope the source material isn’t as horrendous as the adaptation. The story is horrendous: a koala bear goes in search of his lost parents, only to encounter a magical pudding whichContinue reading “The Magic Pudding (2000)”
Dream Horse (2020)
dir. Euros Lyn Dream Horse is an absolutely confounding film. Based on a true story, it tells the tale of Dream Alliance, a racehorse bred in a village who beat the odds to become a champion. The film swiftly loses appeal for anyone who is not very, very interested in horseracing, because the attempts toContinue reading “Dream Horse (2020)”
Pottersville (2017)
dir. Seth Henrikson Watching Pottersville is, quite frankly, a dizzying experience. The plot is utterly off the rails, beginning with the owner of a general store in idyllic Pottersville discovering his wife is a furry, part of a “furry sex club” along with the town sheriff and many other locals. As this wasn’t already bizarreContinue reading “Pottersville (2017)”
Amsterdam (2022)
dir. David O. Russell Amsterdam is an absolutely inexplicable film, in that it’s very difficult to understand what on earth is going on at any given moment. The twisting, turning plot somehow manages to be convoluted and completely boring at the same time. The characters are so thinly drawn that it’s impossible to care what’sContinue reading “Amsterdam (2022)”
Soul Man (1986)
dir. Steve Miner Soul Man follows Mark, a graduate applying to Harvard Law School who takes skin-tanning pills in order to black up and falsely claim a scholarship for African American students. The film is exactly as horrendous, as unbelievable, as obscene as that sounds. None of the comedy lands, not even for a moment,Continue reading “Soul Man (1986)”
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
dir. Andy Fickman Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is pretty much identical to Paul Blart: Mall Cop, except this time he’s in a Vegas hotel instead of mall. There’s also a brief, bizarre moment of respite featuring a pianist smiling in a garden, playing serene music while Kevin James is attacked by a bird, butContinue reading “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)”
Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)
dir. Steve Carr Paul Blart: Mall Cop is 90 minutes of Kevin James rolling around on a Segway, saving a mall from bad guys in between making fat jokes and being generally useless. It is extremely bad. Nothing is funny, and no one is likeable. There is nothing else to be said about Paul Blart:Continue reading “Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)”
Disenchanted (2022)
dir. Adam Shankman Considering that Disney’s 2007 fairy-tale send-up Enchanted is a genuinely clever, charming film, it’s even more disappointing that its sequel is so rushed, lazy and uninspired. Set ten years after the original, fairy-tale protagonist Giselle (Amy Adams) lives happily with her family in New York, but soon after moving to suburbia, sheContinue reading “Disenchanted (2022)”
Iron Sky (2012)
dir. Timo Vuorensola Iron Sky is about as depressingly on-the-nose as a self-aware pastiche can get. With a premise that essentially boils down to “Nazis on the moon”, it’s obvious how much it’s trying to fit into the “so bad it’s good” genre. But with its coarse attempts at edginess (the Nazis white up aContinue reading “Iron Sky (2012)”
Look Both Ways (2022)
dir. Wanuri Kahiu Look Both Ways is but the latest take on the Sliding Doors concept of a person’s life branching off in different potential directions. The movie follows college graduate Natalie across two potential realities: one where she has a baby, and one where she doesn’t. Her life with her baby-daddy is more domestic,Continue reading “Look Both Ways (2022)”
Slaxx (2020)
dir. Elza Kephart A possessed pair of jeans begins a bloody crusade to murder the staff of a clothing store. From the premise alone, it’s obvious Slaxx is not meant to be taken seriously. Instead it’s one of those nudge-nudge, wink-wink, ostensibly self-aware films which revels in its own insanity. To an extent, it works.Continue reading “Slaxx (2020)”
Just Like Heaven (2005)
dir. Mark Waters The set-up of Just Like Heaven shouldn’t, theoretically, be all that complicated. The movie certainly ticks a few boxes in its opening scenes: we meet our frazzled workaholic Elizabeth (Reese Witherspoon), whose life revolves around her job as a doctor. Despite supposedly being an incredibly accomplished physician, she is ostensibly completely uselessContinue reading “Just Like Heaven (2005)”
North (1994)
dir. Rob Reiner North already hinges on a stupid premise: a kid named North (Elijah Wood) is fed-up of being underappreciated by his parents, so he legally “divorces” them. Nevermind that the parents demonstrably lavish all sorts of attention and affection on North – the film’s opening credits are set to a montage of hisContinue reading “North (1994)”
Norm of the North (2016)
dir. Trevor Wall There’s a lot of really obvious stuff to despise about Norm of the North, a film about the eponymous polar bear’s wacky adventures in the course of finding his true self. There’s the lazy animation, in which characters’ textures often look stiff and rubbery, and the same boring, flailing polar bear danceContinue reading “Norm of the North (2016)”
The Lorax (2012)
dir. Chris Renaud The whole point of Dr Seuss’ stories was to use simple imagery and engaging language to tell a profound moral. Sadly, this adaptation of The Lorax instead uses garbage imagery and garbage language to tell a garbage moral. The songs are loud and basic and annoying; the characters are loud and basicContinue reading “The Lorax (2012)”
The Switch (2010)
dir. Will Speck, Josh Gordon The Switch is quite frankly a disgusting film. Disgusting in a moral sense, disgusting in a physical sense – just an all-round nauseating experience. Kassie (Jennifer Aniston) is in her late thirties and keen to have a child, so she decides to search for a sperm donor. Her best friendContinue reading “The Switch (2010)”
Love Actually (2003)
dir. Richard Curtis There is very little to be said about Love Actually‘s many glaring flaws that hasn’t all been said before, but considering this vapid, cloying, frankly harmful film’s still-enduring popularity, much of it bears repeating. Love Actually is almost entirely hinged on the idea of self-deluded men being chronically arrogant, selfish, and shallow,Continue reading “Love Actually (2003)”
The Perfect Date (2019)
dir. Chris Nelson High school student Brooks Rattigan is absolutely obsessed with the idea of going to Yale University, but is worried he can’t afford it. He therefore gets his geeky best friend to set up an app, essentially pimping Brooks out as an escort (but a nicely sanitised, teen movie-friendly one who’s never onceContinue reading “The Perfect Date (2019)”
The Dish & the Spoon (2011)
dir. Alison Bagnall It is genuinely difficult to sum up The Dish & the Spoon in mere words, but some options would include: hideous; disgusting; offensive; baffling; infuriating. The story – far too kind a word – follows late-twenty-something Rose, played by mumblecore darling Greta Gerwig, who’s just discovered her husband has been having anContinue reading “The Dish & the Spoon (2011)”
The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (2004)
dir. Peter Winther The Librarian might well be one of the all-time oddest franchises to ever exist. The so-called “Librarian” is actually a retriever and keeper of a series of magical historic artifacts – in this inaugural feature these are revealed to include Pandora’s Box, Excalibur, and the Golden Fleece, among many others. Our newlyContinue reading “The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (2004)”
Dominator (2003)
dir. Tony Luke The fact that Dominator even exists is an absolute mind-bend. It’s based on what is purported to be the first British manga (a questionable claim in itself), which revolves around Dominator, a demonic entity who is unleashed from hell when a trio of unsuspecting hot girls play a forbidden chord on theirContinue reading “Dominator (2003)”
Dunston Checks In (1996)
dir. Ken Kwapis Imagine Home Alone, but with all the charm and intelligence removed, and replaced instead with an orangutan running around a hotel. That’s, essentially, Dunston Checks In. Two boys live with their father in the hotel he runs, but oh no, a jewel thief and his sidekick orangutan arrive to cause mischief andContinue reading “Dunston Checks In (1996)”
The Baker (2007)
dir. Gareth Lewis A professional assassin wants a new life, and so he finds refuge by pretending to be a baker in a rural Welsh village. He’s got another assassin hot on his trail, and a bunch of murderous neighbours who’ve discovered his past and want to entail his services to kill their friends andContinue reading “The Baker (2007)”
Stuart Little (1999)
dir. Rob Minkoff It’s relatively easy to accept the premise of Stuart Little – a mouse gets adopted by a human family – because so much else of the movie is so nuts. The original book it’s based on is supposed to be pretty off-kilter too, but surely it’s not as weird as this. WhyContinue reading “Stuart Little (1999)”
Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)
dir. Tim Hill This imagining of Alvin and the Chipmunks came to the fore during a peak period for terrible children’s films. In this one, our vacuous protagonist Dave meets Alvin, Simon and Theodore – our titular chipmunks, digitally added in so badly that it’s regularly extremely obvious the live action actors are speaking toContinue reading “Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)”
The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012)
dir. Peter Hedges What an utterly bizarre idea for a story. Cindy (Jennifer Garner) and Jim (Joel Edgerton) are unable to conceive, and in their grief, they write a bunch of notes describing their dream child and bury them in the garden. Soon, an unfamiliar boy with leaves growing on his legs has popped upContinue reading “The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012)”
The Kissing Booth 3 (2021)
dir. Vince Marcello Exactly how and why two sequels to The Kissing Booth got made is anyone’s guess, but this third film is probably the worst of the lot. What little story there is once more revolves around Elle (Joey King), her creepy whiny incel best friend Lee (Joel Courtney), and his brother who’s alsoContinue reading “The Kissing Booth 3 (2021)”
Good Mourning (2022)
dir. Machine Gun Kelly, Mod Sun A day in the life of London (Machine Gun Kelly), an actor and stoner who gets a very slightly odd text from his girlfriend one morning and subsequently goes into a tailspin complete with wacky adventures. The big conflict of Good Mourning is London deciding whether to go toContinue reading “Good Mourning (2022)”
Love and Gelato (2022)
dir. Brandon Camp In Love and Gelato, high school graduate Lina grants her deceased mother’s wishes by visiting Italy the summer before she starts college. Cue a clichéd, cloying adventure in which she finds herself, and quite possibly true love too. Lina is the absolute peak the of frazzled rom-com “every girl” heroine archetype: sheContinue reading “Love and Gelato (2022)”
Scottish Mussel (2015)
dir. Talulah Riley The mere existence of Scottish Mussel beggars belief. Talulah Riley, star of St Trinian’s and twice ex-wife of Elon Musk, decided to write, direct, and star in a romantic comedy about a Glaswegian slacker and his zany sidekicks who enter the high-stakes world of illegal mussel pearl theft. Our protagonist falls hopelesslyContinue reading “Scottish Mussel (2015)”
Pinocchio: A True Story (2021)
dir. Vasiliy Rovenskiy The USA English-language dub of Pinocchio: A True Story achieved online fame when the trailer was widely shared by disbelieving viewers. “Father,” intones Pauly Shore in a robotic monotone, before culminating in a lilting whinge with “when can I leave to be on my ooowwwn? I’ve got the whole worrrld to see.”Continue reading “Pinocchio: A True Story (2021)”
Basmati Blues (2017)
dir. Danny Baron When an American rom-com musical elects to call itself Basmati Blues, there’s no pretending it’s going to be anything other than insipid racist garbage. Perhaps there’s a noble intent somewhere in there to emulate the spectacle and glamour of Bollywood, but Basmati Blues trades in any mere hope of spectacle or glamourContinue reading “Basmati Blues (2017)”
Christmas is Cancelled (2021)
dir. Prarthana Mohan In Christmas is Cancelled, twenty-something-year-old Emma is appalled to discover her fifty-something-year-old widower father Jack has been dating her former neighbour, high school classmate and “frenemy”, twenty-something-year-old Brandy. Rather than treating Emma’s shock with sensitivity and patience, Jack and Brandy instead practically bludgeon her over the head with this new state ofContinue reading “Christmas is Cancelled (2021)”
Father Christmas is Back (2021)
dir. Philippe Martinez and Mick Davis Classic Christmas films, from It’s a Wonderful Life to Home Alone, are centred around the joy and warmth of family. After all, Christmas is supposed to be a time of giving, goodwill, and love. So why Father Christmas is Back decided to base a Christmas film around the mostContinue reading “Father Christmas is Back (2021)”
Love Hard (2021)
dir. Hernán Jiménez Churning out insipid rom-coms is practically a compulsion for Netflix, so the existence of Love Hard comes as no surprise. A woman on the west coast matches with a man on the east coast in a dating app, only to spontaneously visit him and learn he looks nothing like he claimed. AndContinue reading “Love Hard (2021)”
The Dog Who Saved the Holidays (2012)
dir. Michael Feifer Quite how this dog has managed to spawn an entire series is anyone’s guess, but thus far he has managed to save Christmas, Christmas Vacation, Halloween, Easter, and Summer, as well as simply the Holidays (which, yes, is just Christmas again). Joey Lawrence provides the whiny inner monologue of the pooch, Zeus,Continue reading “The Dog Who Saved the Holidays (2012)”
Murder, She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Mystery (2015)
dir. Mark Jean Inexplicably, this is but the first of a series of Murder, She Baked movies. And despite the titles, chocolate chip cookies have nothing whatsoever to do with the story. Baker Hannah utilises her amateur detective skills after her friend and delivery driver is murdered outside her bakery. Of course, none of theContinue reading “Murder, She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Mystery (2015)”
The Love Guru (2008)
dir. Marco Schnabel This is a 2008 film starring Mike Myers as an Indian sex and relationships guru. Was it ever going to go well, in any conceivable reality? Even if Mike Myers himself wasn’t so corrosively irritating – lisping in a pseudo-Eastern European accent which doesn’t sound remotely Indian, and talking at the cameraContinue reading “The Love Guru (2008)”
Afterlife of the Party (2021)
dir. Stephen Herek Victoria Justice stars as Cassie – a twenty-five-year-old woman who speaks, dresses and behaves like a girl ten years younger – whose life meets with an abrupt end after she somehow drunkenly slams her head on the toilet. She wakes up in the afterlife, is greeted by a guardian angel, and isContinue reading “Afterlife of the Party (2021)”
Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021)
dir. Malcolm D. Lee The tragedy of Space Jam: A New Legacy (and many sequels of its ilk) isn’t just that it’s an awful movie. It’s that it so entirely misses the point of what made the original a beloved classic. Gone are the wry self-referential jokes, the world-building, the clever fusion of animation andContinue reading “Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021)”
Holidate (2020)
dir. John Whitesell With Holidate, humankind finally has a movie brave enough to acknowledge the desperate pain and shame we all fear if we don’t have a date on Cinco de Mayo. The premise – generic white woman Sloane meets generic white man Jackson, and the two agree to be each other’s dates for holidaysContinue reading “Holidate (2020)”
That Awkward Moment (2014)
dir. Tom Gormican That Awkward Moment follows Jason (Zac Efron), a smug chronic bachelor who has his world turned upside-down when he meets his very own manic pixie dream girl, Ellie (Imogen Poots). It’s about as clichéd as every single other male-led rom-com in the world, except That Awkward Moment‘s desperation to distinguish itself isContinue reading “That Awkward Moment (2014)”
Shark Tale (2004)
dir. Vicky Jenson, Bibo Bergeron, Rob Letterman As an animated underwater adventure with talking fish, Shark Tale was very obviously DreamWorks’ attempt at Finding Nemo. Yet to draw any further comparison between the two would be insulting to Pixar’s masterful craft. Where Finding Nemo is magnificently animated with immersive seascapes and compellingly lively characters, SharkContinue reading “Shark Tale (2004)”
Radio Rebel (2012)
dir. Peter Howitt Radio Rebel follows the story of shy young student Tara (Debby Ryan), who secretly runs an online radio show as Radio Rebel, using her persona to enthuse and inspire the local teenage masses. It is difficult to fathom how Radio Rebel has earned such a devoted following, seeing as Tara herself isContinue reading “Radio Rebel (2012)”
Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale (2010)
dir. John Dunson & Sean Dunson Even the title is way off, because this story about an aspiring pop star has very few, if any, parallels with the Cinderella fairy tale. Does our plucky heroine Elle live with her evil stepmother and stepsisters? No, she lives with a man constantly referred to as “Uncle Allen”Continue reading “Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale (2010)”
Over Her Dead Body (2008)
dir. Jeff Lowell It claims to be a romantic comedy. A cursory glance at the poster, all bright colours and goofy faces, certainly makes it look like a romantic comedy. But how can a film like Over Her Dead Body truly be classed as a romantic comedy? A romantic comedy only needs two things: romanceContinue reading “Over Her Dead Body (2008)”
Vampire Dog (2012)
dir. Geoff Anderson Vampire Dog is about as stupid and insane as you’d expect a film called Vampire Dog to be. Twelve-year-old Ace inherits his dead grandfather’s pet dog Fang, and swiftly discovers the canine’s supernatural abilities. He can move super fast. He can hypnotise people. He talks, in the slightly pained tones of NormContinue reading “Vampire Dog (2012)”
A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting (2020)
dir. Rachel Talalay A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting quite possibly has the most childish title of all time. Go figure – it’s a kids’ movie, following a young babysitter who goes on a magical quest to save the boy she was supposed to be looking after. He’s been kidnapped, which would pretty much renderContinue reading “A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting (2020)”
The Late Bloomer (2016)
dir. Kevin Pollak The Late Bloomer is, frankly, nothing short of disturbing. The movie makes a big song and dance about how it’s based on a true story, but the parallels to reality are so loose that it completely undermines its own claim within seconds. The story follows Pete (Johnny Simmons), a sex therapist inContinue reading “The Late Bloomer (2016)”
Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (2018)
dir. Don McBrearty Anyone going into this film would assume it’s a modern take on the Jane Austen classic novel, with a Christmas twist. They would be wrong. Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe, aside from calling its protagonist “Darcy”, has basically nothing to do with Pride and Prejudice. It doesn’t even really involve very much mistletoe.Continue reading “Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (2018)”
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
dir. Tom Green Freddy Got Fingered is very much one of those movies that loudly, smugly, claims to be in on the joke. But there’s a problem with this claim. To be in on the joke, there has to be a joke. And generally where there’s a joke, there is laughter. But there is noContinue reading “Freddy Got Fingered (2001)”
A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (2018)
dir. Michael Robison The title is all about the protagonist’s shoe addiction, yet they seem to forget about it for massive stretches of the film. And when they remember it, the shoes she wears are so hideous that it’s hard to fathom why she’s so keen on them. In this movie, the shoes are magicalContinue reading “A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (2018)”
Love Wrecked / Temptation Island (2005)
dir. Randal Kleiser The title(s) make it sound like a hit reality TV show where bland people flirt with each other on a beach, but it’s actually a fictional rom-com film where bland people flirt with each other on a beach. Amanda Bynes and Meadow Soprano vie for the attentions of a generic pop-rock superstar.Continue reading “Love Wrecked / Temptation Island (2005)”
Mamaboy (2017)
dir. Aaron Leong Mamaboy is a horror. It’s not presented as a horror, but it really should be. Mamaboy is supposed to be your average teen comedy – adolescents navigating high school, discovering sex, and getting into routine hijinks on the way. That’s the kind of tone it tries to hit throughout. Unfortunately, it alsoContinue reading “Mamaboy (2017)”
Monte Carlo (2011)
dir. Thomas Bezucha Three gal pals run around Monte Carlo pretending to be wealthy socialites, after it’s discovered that the generic heroine played Selena Gomez bears an uncanny likeness to a spoiled British heiress played by Selena Gomez. Inevitable hijinks ensue. It throws in a prince, because teen rom coms like to have a prince.Continue reading “Monte Carlo (2011)”
Movie 43 (2013)
dir. Steven Brill, Peter Farrelly, Will Graham, Steve Carr, Griffin Dunne, James Duffy, Jonathan van Tulleken, Elizabeth Banks, Patrik Forsberg, Brett Ratner, Rusty Cundieff, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Steve Baker, Damon Escott Movie 43 is an absolute marvel. This anthology “comedy” is a genuine contender for being the worst film of all time, and notContinue reading “Movie 43 (2013)”
Naked (2017)
dir. Michael Tiddes Groundhog Day, but starring a naked Wayans brother. That’s the entire movie, although “movie” is a strong word for this one. In essence, this time it’s about a man who’s got cold feet over his wedding, but reliving his wedding day repeatedly makes him realise just how much he wants to commit.Continue reading “Naked (2017)”
Nine Lives (2016)
dir. Barry Sonnenfeld Kevin Spacey gets turned into a cat. That’s the whole movie. It’s the only remotely noteworthy aspect, anyway. Nine Lives follows the most basic kids’ movie beats ever – he’s a workaholic father, his big work project is a symbol of his corruption and soullessness, but his time spent as a catContinue reading “Nine Lives (2016)”
Prime (2005)
dir. Ben Younger Prime is ostensibly a rom-com but it’s very low on humour. The premise alluded to in the title is the fact that the main character Rafi, played by Uma Thurman, is 37 – past her prime, so to speak, because everyone knows life ends at 30 – and begins dating a 23-year-old.Continue reading “Prime (2005)”
Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)
dir. James Hayman At first glance you’d be forgiven for thinking this was an attempt to rip off Bridesmaids, banking on the hope that people would confuse the two. But nope, because this one actually came out a year before Bridesmaids did, so there’s really no excuse for the fact it feels like a cheapContinue reading “Revenge of the Bridesmaids (2010)”
Santa Girl (2019)
dir. Blayne Weaver It’s kind of remarkable that a film this stupid came out as recently as 2019. In general, aren’t kids supposed to be more jaded and cynical these days? In 2019, who is the audience for a film about Santa Claus’ daughter going to college? The plot beats are all for teenagers –Continue reading “Santa Girl (2019)”
Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
dir. Lee Harry The sheer audacity of this film has to be seen to be believed. Sure, it does the generic thing of arbitrarily centring the film around the brother of the original protagonist, who did basically nothing in Silent Night, Deadly Night. That’s fine, that’s fair. No, the absolutely shameless thing this sequel doesContinue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)”
Sydney White (2007)
dir. Joe Nussbaum Snow White, but with Amanda Bynes and some college nerds. That’s it. That’s the film. The poisoned apple is now a computer virus, and Prince Charming is now a vapid good-looking nobody who just happened to show up at the right time – although on second thoughts, perhaps that second point isContinue reading “Sydney White (2007)”
The Little Panda Fighter (2008)
dir. Michelle Gabriel A Video Brinquedo classic, totally unabashed about ripping off Kung Fu Panda. It was even released at the same time to try and bamboozle audiences into confusing the two. Sadly, about four seconds into the amateur animation and stilted dialogue will inform any half-awake viewer that neither DreamWorks nor Jack Black wentContinue reading “The Little Panda Fighter (2008)”
The Proposal (2009)
dir. Anne Fletcher Like so many lazy rom-coms, The Proposal tries to convince its audience that two people with no chemistry or rapport can fall in love if they just fake a romance for long enough. In this case, it’s a green card romance, and gives the film an excuse to remain in Sitka, AlaskaContinue reading “The Proposal (2009)”
The Ramen Girl (2008)
dir. Robert Allan Ackerman Brittany Murphy was a uniquely talented actor, and she certainly tries her very best in The Ramen Girl. Sadly, she’s the only consistently good thing about it. The rest of the movie mostly revolves around how mystical and spiritual Japanese people are, so Brittany Murphy’s Abby is able to heal herselfContinue reading “The Ramen Girl (2008)”
The Stuff (1985)
dir. Larry Cohen It’s generally accepted that The Stuff is in on its own joke. The premise is essentially “scary yoghurt” so it’s difficult for anyone to try and take it seriously, after all. But the problem with The Stuff is, in fact, it seems to try and take itself too seriously, despite being fullyContinue reading “The Stuff (1985)”
Theodore Rex (1996)
dir. Jonathan Betuel What the absolute hell even is Theodore Rex? People in this reality actually sat down together and thought, “I know what’d make a great blockbuster – Whoopi Goldberg teaming up with an animatronic dinosaur to fight crime”? The result is exactly as bewildering and surreal as it sounds. Goldberg’s valiant attempts toContinue reading “Theodore Rex (1996)”
Trainwreck (2015)
dir. Judd Apatow The title is more apt than they probably realised. The real shame of it all is, Amy Schumer can be funny – it’s definitely happened once or twice. Frustratingly this is not one of those times. Trainwreck‘s insistence on typical tropes – the woman has daddy issues! The guy has a blackContinue reading “Trainwreck (2015)”
Little Italy (2018)
dir. Donald Petrie It’s not even Little Italy in New York. It’s set in Toronto. Okay. The confusion only escalates from there, with such madnesses to contend with as: the saga of two warring, neighbouring pizza restaurants; a septuagenarian love story; a professional chef who never cooks; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisable Italian accent; Hayden Christensen’s unrecognisableContinue reading “Little Italy (2018)”
Ms Matched (2016)
dir. Mark Jean A wedding planner whose usual clientele (judging by the ostentatious yet tasteless occasions she throws) seem to consist solely of very dim billionaires. Then she runs into a man who believes that – CONTROVERSIAL – maybe weddings don’t have to cost a couple every last penny they have. These two seem soContinue reading “Ms Matched (2016)”
Valentine’s Day (2010)
dir. Garry Marshall One of the Love Actually knock-offs which dares to ask the incredible question, “What if a city has a bunch of different people in it, but some of them actually know each other?” This groundbreaking premise is built upon with fleeting scenes where cut-and-paste characters waltz through the standard will-they-won’t-they clichés. There’sContinue reading “Valentine’s Day (2010)”
What a Girl Wants (2003)
dir. Dennie Gordon To be rich. Apparently, that’s what a girl wants. To be rich. Every single time, the lonely but good-hearted girl living a quiet life with her single mother always gets unexpectedly thrust into a life of opulence and luxury. Just once, it’d be nice if the girl finds out her long lostContinue reading “What a Girl Wants (2003)”
What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue! (2009)
dir. Everton Rodrigues, Michelle Gabriel Video Brinquedo’s nudge-nudge wink-wink, “Oh yes, that acclaimed animated movie about a flying house with ‘up’ in the title, yes we totally did that.” As well as being awkward and unfunny, it’s inexplicably offensive. The movie’s not even that long yet they still manage to throw in a whole routineContinue reading “What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue! (2009)”
What’s Your Number? (2011)
dir. Mark Mylod One of tragically numerous chick flicks where the sole intention seems to be to make all women in the universe feel bad about themselves. Had sex with multiple partners? You’re a slut! Not had much or any sex? You’re a prude! You’re in a relationship? You’re boring! You’re single? You’re pathetic! AnnaContinue reading “What’s Your Number? (2011)”
You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)
dir. Allan Harmon The most egregious thing about it is bacon isn’t even all that heavily featured. Yes, the love interest (who looks like the brother – unsettling) owns a bacon truck. But the entire plot is hinged on persimmons. It’s all about buying the right persimmons, bacon and persimmon sandwiches, persimmons persimmons persimmons. YourContinue reading “You’re Bacon Me Crazy (2010)”
Zapped (2014)
dir. Peter DeLuise In which Zendaya runs around waving a magical mobile phone app at everyone, thereby making the men and boys around her do her bidding. When you think about it this could’ve taken a very dark turn. But it’s a Disney Channel movie, so instead of going down the human slave route, ZendayaContinue reading “Zapped (2014)”
The Decoy Bride (2011)
dir. Sheree Folkson It is difficult to fathom what talented people like Kelly McDonald, David Tennant, Alice Eve, and Dylan Moran are doing in The Decoy Bride. They’re not acting – no one really does that in this film. The story follows a Scottish woman who stands in for a Hollywood celebrity at her wedding,Continue reading “The Decoy Bride (2011)”
ThanksKilling (2008)
dir. Jordan Downey ThanksKilling is a very difficult film to describe. It’s obviously making fun – it’s an out and proud slasher film intended to revel in the joyous extremes of the horror genre. Hence the demonic turkey who struts around swearing at people. Or the ancient book of magic that is quite obviously aContinue reading “ThanksKilling (2008)”
Tall Girl (2019)
dir. Nzingha Stewart There are many minorities and downtrodden communities who face adversity in life. Women; ethnic minorities; the LGBTQ+ community; disabled people; the elderly; the working class and others from socio-economic groups with a lower income. But did any of these people stop and consider the most persecuted community of all: tall girls? Well,Continue reading “Tall Girl (2019)”
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
dir. Charles E. Sellier Jr. A shameless Christmas-themed slasher, about as overblown and pulpy as you’d expect. The protagonist suffers from PTSD due to seeing his parents get murdered on Christmas Eve when he was a kid; as an adult he despises Christmas to the extend he dresses up as Santa and kills people. Standard.Continue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)”
She’s Out of My League (2010)
dir. Jim Field Smith One of those films that pretends it’s all about how beauty isn’t just found in physical appearances, then spends the entire runtime scrutinising and judging people’s physical appearances. It’s a thoroughly mean-spirited story, with everyone treating each other pretty poorly. At one point, Alice Eve’s “10/10” character admits her dark secret:Continue reading “She’s Out of My League (2010)”
Sharknado (2013)
dir. Anthony C. Ferrante What can possibly be said about Sharknado that hasn’t already been said? It’s all in the title: it’s a tornado, but sharks. That’s the start, the middle and the end. It’s hard to fathom that we live in a world where such a thing as a Sharknado franchise exists, but thisContinue reading “Sharknado (2013)”
Sex and the City 2 (2010)
dir. Michael Patrick King The Sex and the City TV series, for all its faults, was genuinely groundbreaking. It let women do, think and say things they’d seldom been allowed to on TV before, and some of the emotional beats were handled in an extremely affecting way. How sad, then, that the entire Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City 2 (2010)”
Sex and the City (2008)
dir. Michael Patrick King This film makes it abundantly clear that Sex and the City was never supposed to be in cinemas. The antics of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha were perfect for the small screen: a bit of escapism each week, a little “story of the week” while allowing for long-form arcs. Sex andContinue reading “Sex and the City (2008)”
Ratatoing (2007)
dir. Michelle Gabriel Video Brinquedo’s entire reason for existing is to make shameless rip-offs of successful animated movies, but this one takes it to unprecedented depths of audacity. As if the title Ratatoing was intended to do anything except trick people into thinking it’s Ratatouille. As if this one just happens, by mere coincidence, toContinue reading “Ratatoing (2007)”
Potato Potahto (2017)
dir. Shirley Frimpong-Manso Potato Potahto is about two people who are forced to keep living together after a divorce. Presumably the title refers to how the two of them are different yet the same, but the title is never actually referred to in the movie at any point so that’s pure conjecture. Either way, ifContinue reading “Potato Potahto (2017)”
New Year’s Eve (2011)
dir. Garry Marshall Like Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve is another film where Garry Marshall follows around a bunch of insipid nobodies in an attempt to rip off Love Actually. It’s very difficult to understand why anyone would want to rip off Love Actually to begin with, but here we are. This one really triesContinue reading “New Year’s Eve (2011)”
My Fake Fiancé (2009)
dir. Gil Junger One of those ABC Family movies that is almost entirely dependent on the premise that being single is the worst, most disgusting thing in the world. Sabrina the Teenage Witch meets Joey from Blossom during a wedding at, shock horror, the singles table. At first, they’re scathing about the opulent gifts andContinue reading “My Fake Fiancé (2009)”
Mean Girls 2 (2011)
dir. Melanie Mayron By far the most egregious thing about Mean Girls 2 is its name. Tim Meadows returns as the same principal, despite the setting seemingly being an entirely different high school in an entirely different state, but besides that this movie has emphatically nothing to do with Mean Girls. Sure, they say “theContinue reading “Mean Girls 2 (2011)”
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)
dir. Ol Parker Yes, it’s the ABBA lyrics, but it’s quite something when even the movie sounds sick of itself. Here we go, again. Can’t blame it, though – the Mamma Mia! sequel is such a mess that even Meryl Streep couldn’t be coaxed into returning for more than a few seconds as a smilingContinue reading “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)”
Love on a Leash (2011)
dir. Fen Tian It’s painful, the knowledge that our world is a place where the fever dream that is Love on the Leash can be classed as a real film. It’s a 2011 production, but the filming quality is so bad that watching it at home feels like putting on a home movie from theContinue reading “Love on a Leash (2011)”
Loqueesha (2019)
dir. Jeremy Saville Loqueesha is, frankly, disgusting. It’s just disgusting. There are no other words for it. The story follows a white man who launches a successful radio show by “pretending to be a black woman”. This means he puts on the most utterly offensive stereotypical voice, which roughly equates to him yelling obnoxiously inContinue reading “Loqueesha (2019)”
LOL (2012)
dir. Lisa Azuelos LOL was released right before Miley Cyrus reinvented her image and sang lots of songs about how she likes to have sex and take drugs. It shows, as LOL itself isn’t quite sure if it wasn’t to be a fluffy teen rom-com or a movie that delves into deeper issue of teenContinue reading “LOL (2012)”
Legally Blondes (2009)
dir. Savage Steve Holland Blondes, plural. Ostensibly this loosely affiliated Legally Blonde spin-off decided Elle Woods wasn’t enough, and decided to rectify this by giving us Elle Woods’ irritating twin cousins instead. Twin 1 and Twin 2 – they have names, but they’re so totally devoid of personality it makes no difference – make theContinue reading “Legally Blondes (2009)”
Last Christmas (2019)
dir. Paul Feig It’s pretty obvious that they just said, “Let’s take a bunch of George Michael songs” and then built a movie around them, but that’s far from being the most egregious part of Last Christmas. Emilia Clarke stomps around London, destroying her friends’ possessions and putting her boss’ workplace at risk of theft.Continue reading “Last Christmas (2019)”
Labor Pains (2009)
dir. Lara Shapiro The premise of Labor Pains is a woman lies about being pregnant in order to protect her job. It is extremely difficult to come up with an idea more jaded than that. It could have been a thoughtful drama or a complex character study, but instead Labor Pains maintains it’s all inContinue reading “Labor Pains (2009)”
The Kissing Booth 2 (2020)
dir. Vince Marcello Sequel to 2018’s The Kissing Booth and the second of a projected trilogy, The Kissing Booth 2 manages to perform the impossible and is somehow an even worse film than its predecessor. Joey King’s Elle finds her already toxic romance threatened when her boyfriend Noah moves to Harvard. To Elle’s dismay, girlsContinue reading “The Kissing Booth 2 (2020)”
The Kissing Booth (2018)
dir. Vince Marcello It’s genuinely alarming that a movie like The Kissing Booth can be made and find success in 2018. So many of the ideas are fundamentally archaic. The best friendship at the centre of the story is dependent to the point of emotional abuse, while the main character Elle’s love interest is manipulativeContinue reading “The Kissing Booth (2018)”
Just My Luck (2006)
dir. Donald Petrie Lindsay Lohan plays a woman with permanent good fortune, while Chris Pine is a man with chronically bad luck. They kiss at a masked ball, and suddenly their situations swap. Oh no! Now Lindsay Lohan must find Chris Pine and kiss him again, to get her good luck back. The film isContinue reading “Just My Luck (2006)”
Jack and Jill (2011)
dir. Dennis Dugan Adam Sandler and the Happy Madison movies are quite a marvel. Adam Sandler and many of his colleagues have proven themselves to be genuinely talented actors and comedians. So it’s difficult to understand why they so frequently ignore all of their abilities and instead seemingly come together to create the absolute worstContinue reading “Jack and Jill (2011)”
Relative Happiness (2014)
dir. Deanne Foley Lexy is a woman. She’s also FAT! She owns a B&B in Nova Scotia. She is also FAT! She needs to find a date to her sister’s wedding, but of course no one will date her, because she’s FAT! In case you forgot for a split-second, remember – she is also FAT!Continue reading “Relative Happiness (2014)”
I Feel Pretty (2018)
dir. Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein I Feel Pretty really hinges itself on the absolute worst of Amy Schumer’s comedy. The type when all you see is a conventionally attractive white woman bemoaning how fat, ugly and weird she is. In I Feel Pretty, Schumer’s character Renee gets concussed and suddenly believes herself to be aContinue reading “I Feel Pretty (2018)”
Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)
dir. Ron Underwood Trudie (Melissa Joan Hart) has a family who always pressurises her to be in a relationship. How understandable! But this year, she has the perfect boyfriend she can bring home for Christmas. How delightful! Unfortunately, he breaks up with her right as they’re about to go and meet her family. How sympathetic!Continue reading “Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)”
Her Best Move (2007)
dir. Norm Hunter A teenage girl has to balance sports, friends, family, romance, and education. That’s the movie. Just, y’know, life. Despite the central conceit of – gasp! A girl playing football – the film is pretty generic, with each character stepping into their moulded place: Encouraging Best Friend, Eager Father, Sympathetic Mother, Boyfriendy Boyfriend.Continue reading “Her Best Move (2007)”
Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)
dir. Ron Oliver Anyone even vaguely acquainted with Harriet the Spy will immediately wonder what the hell it has to do with blogging. This version ages Harriet up to 16; one would think she’d be over the fairly childish spy games by this age, but ostensibly not. Therefore her “spying” just comes across a lotContinue reading “Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)”
Gordy (1995)
dir. Mark Lewis Gordy pulls off the incredible feat of being a rip-off of Babe, despite the fact that it actually came out a few months before Babe did. It still feels like a cheap imitation, though. A small talking farm pig becomes famous – why did two of these movies get released in 1995,Continue reading “Gordy (1995)”
Gooby (2009)
dir. Wilson Coneybeare This alleged heart-warming coming-of-age tale is one of the most downright terrifying films to ever exist. A boy – who is way too old for the silly stick drawings of aliens he produces in his spare time – meets his childhood teddy bear, Gooby, come to life. Gooby is frankly one ofContinue reading “Gooby (2009)”
Goat Story – The Old Prague Legends (2008)
dir. Jan Tománek Goat Story is freaky. It’s just freaky. And not just because of the shoddy computer animation, which gives every character such bulging eyes and stilted movement that the visuals alone make Goat Story the stuff of nightmares. But that’s not enough – Goat Story has to push things further. It has toContinue reading “Goat Story – The Old Prague Legends (2008)”
Goat Story 2 / Goat Story with Cheese (2012)
dir. Jan Tománek One would be forgiven for believing it couldn’t get any worse than Goat Story, but wow, it really does. Goat Story 2 manages to somehow be even madder, scarier and stupider than the first one. The same horrific animation stays. There are idiotic songs and annoying characters again. But this time, theContinue reading “Goat Story 2 / Goat Story with Cheese (2012)”
Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)
dir. Kelly Asbury Romeo and Juliet, as told by animated comedic gnomes. Oh good. Clearly someone came up with the title and decided to build a movie around it, but even that doesn’t excuse the total absence of any humour, romance, or basic effort at all from this film. The jokes are all of theContinue reading “Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)”
Gigli (2003)
dir. Martin Brest Obviously, Gigli is disgusting. Jennifer Lopez playing a lesbian character who winds up so enamoured with Ben Affleck’s mobster charms that she turns straight for him? It’s an insult. Especially when the supposed sexy chemistry is conveyed by moments such as Lopez spreading her legs and whispering “It’s turkey time – gobbleContinue reading “Gigli (2003)”
G-Force (2009)
dir. Hoyt Yeatman G-Force is a family film about a bunch of talking guinea pigs and other animals. For something so inherently basic, it’s weirdly hard to follow. There’s intelligence operations and spy gadgets and microchips and FBI stings and computer viruses. There’s also a cackling British villain played with maximum Britishness by Bill Nighy.Continue reading “G-Force (2009)”
Foodfight! (2012)
dir. Lawrence Kasanoff It’s difficult to talk about Foodfight!. It’s difficult to even think about Foodfight!. This is a serious contender for all-time most grotesque film ever made. Everything about it is completely, monstrously ugly. The animation is ugly, as though every character was specifically designed to be as repellent as possible. The sexual innuendoContinue reading “Foodfight! (2012)”
Falling Inn Love (2019)
dir. Roger Kumble One of those rom-coms that proudly proclaims being a city girl is inherently a soulless and terrible thing, and so all women seeking happiness need to move to “the country”. In this case it’s taken to extremes. Christina Milian plays Gabriela, who necks about three bottles of wine before entering a contestContinue reading “Falling Inn Love (2019)”
Failure to Launch (2006)
dir. Tom Dey Pretty much nothing about Failure to Launch adds up to a coherent message. It’s firmly suggested that a grown man living at home is a pathetic waste of space, but then it’s acknowledged he may have a decent reason for doing so, like grief. But then he’s encouraged to move out anyway.Continue reading “Failure to Launch (2006)”
The Emoji Movie (2017)
dir. Tony Leondis There may well have never been a more cynical, less creative conceit for a film. Phones and social media are popular, so why don’t we make emojis have their own world? The result is obviously about as shallow and one-note as, well, an emoji. Practically every line is a nudge and winkContinue reading “The Emoji Movie (2017)”
Drop Dead Fred (1991)
dir. Ate de Jong The sole trait of the character Drop Dead Fred is that he’s annoying. Unfortunately, by making Drop Dead Fred obnoxious and unlikeable, it also makes Drop Dead Fred obnoxious and unlikeable. Seems obvious, but the movie didn’t seem to realise it. Phoebe Cates plays Elizabeth, a young woman who begins seeingContinue reading “Drop Dead Fred (1991)”
Dog Days (2018)
dir. Ken Marino Okay, so, it’s Love Actually, but with dogs. An ensemble cast with interweaving romantic storylines – but the majority of the “interweaving” is simply that they all use the same vet. It’s a pretty lazy conceit. Obviously the characters are all bland stereotypes. Obviously there’s a creepy incel who we’re supposed toContinue reading “Dog Days (2018)”
Dirty Grandpa (2016)
dir. Dan Mazer In this veritable cesspool of obscenity, there is not a single redemptive factor to be found. The “story”, though the word affords Dirty Grandpa far more than it deserves, follows titular grandfather Richard “Dick” Kelly (played, tragically, by Robert De Niro). After his wife dies, he embarks on a doggedly zany adventure with hisContinue reading “Dirty Grandpa (2016)”
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)
dir. Sara Sugarman It’s hard to believe that this and Mean Girls came out in the same year. Two Lindsay Lohan-fronted high school comedies, yet so, so different. Confessions is a totally vapid movie, with Lohan’s drama queen protagonist swanning about calling herself pseudonyms, trying to get in with celebrities, desperate to front the schoolContinue reading “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)”
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