Author Archives: Swéta Rana

I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)

dir. Steve Race If you took an average person and informed them that a film exists starring Ja Rule as a drug dealer who falls in love with a church-going woman, they simply would not believe you. If you informed them that Michael Madsen and Vincent Pastore i.e. Big Pussy Bonpensiero are also in theContinue reading “I’m in Love with a Church Girl (2017)”

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

dir. Chris Sivertson In a way, any film’s first foot forward is its title. It’s apparent quite quickly, then, that I Know Who Killed Me is pretentious, unnecessary, and makes no sense. Lindsay Lohan channels Showgirls as she pouts and lapdances while brooding over how terrible everything is. She finds herself badly injured and goesContinue reading “I Know Who Killed Me (2007)”

I Feel Pretty (2018)

dir. Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein I Feel Pretty really hinges itself on the absolute worst of Amy Schumer’s comedy. The type when all you see is a conventionally attractive white woman bemoaning how fat, ugly and weird she is. In I Feel Pretty, Schumer’s character Renee gets concussed and suddenly believes herself to be aContinue reading “I Feel Pretty (2018)”

I Am Here… Now (2009)

dir. Neil Breen In which Neil Breen plays God. Hardly a leap for Neil Breen, who quite obviously considers himself to be God anyway – this time he’s just not sugar-coating it with an alias. Coming down to Earth in human form on a journey to Vegas to punish humankind for their wrong-doing, Breen spendsContinue reading “I Am Here… Now (2009)”

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

dir. Tom Six The Human Centipede unabashedly only ever existed for one reason: to shock. The real disappointment of First Sequence is that it fails to even do that. Obviously the premise is grotesque, but as publicised as it was, you’d think the full movie offers something slightly more, even just a kernel. It doesContinue reading “The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)”

House at the End of the Street (2012)

dir. Mark Tonderai Jennifer Lawrence plays an emotionally intuitive teenage girl who moves to a new neighbourhood with her mother. We know she’s emotionally intuitive not because she offers clever insights or friendly support to those around her, but because she sits around playing banal songs on her guitar. She befriends the brother of aContinue reading “House at the End of the Street (2012)”

Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)

dir. Ron Underwood Trudie (Melissa Joan Hart) has a family who always pressurises her to be in a relationship. How understandable! But this year, she has the perfect boyfriend she can bring home for Christmas. How delightful! Unfortunately, he breaks up with her right as they’re about to go and meet her family. How sympathetic!Continue reading “Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)”

Her Best Move (2007)

dir. Norm Hunter A teenage girl has to balance sports, friends, family, romance, and education. That’s the movie. Just, y’know, life. Despite the central conceit of – gasp! A girl playing football – the film is pretty generic, with each character stepping into their moulded place: Encouraging Best Friend, Eager Father, Sympathetic Mother, Boyfriendy Boyfriend.Continue reading “Her Best Move (2007)”

Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)

dir. Ron Oliver Anyone even vaguely acquainted with Harriet the Spy will immediately wonder what the hell it has to do with blogging. This version ages Harriet up to 16; one would think she’d be over the fairly childish spy games by this age, but ostensibly not. Therefore her “spying” just comes across a lotContinue reading “Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars (2010)”

Goat Story – The Old Prague Legends (2008)

dir. Jan Tománek Goat Story is freaky. It’s just freaky. And not just because of the shoddy computer animation, which gives every character such bulging eyes and stilted movement that the visuals alone make Goat Story the stuff of nightmares. But that’s not enough – Goat Story has to push things further. It has toContinue reading “Goat Story – The Old Prague Legends (2008)”

Goat Story 2 / Goat Story with Cheese (2012)

dir. Jan Tománek One would be forgiven for believing it couldn’t get any worse than Goat Story, but wow, it really does. Goat Story 2 manages to somehow be even madder, scarier and stupider than the first one. The same horrific animation stays. There are idiotic songs and annoying characters again. But this time, theContinue reading “Goat Story 2 / Goat Story with Cheese (2012)”

Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)

dir. Kelly Asbury Romeo and Juliet, as told by animated comedic gnomes. Oh good. Clearly someone came up with the title and decided to build a movie around it, but even that doesn’t excuse the total absence of any humour, romance, or basic effort at all from this film. The jokes are all of theContinue reading “Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)”

Gladiformers: Robos Gladiadores (2007)

dir. Marco Alemar Video Brinquedo’s rip-off of Transformers. The entire film takes place in a single setting – a very awkward fighting ring where gladiator robots are fighting for no discernible reason at all. Said gladiator robots have names such as Julius Drive, Magnum Tutor, and Korjo Displo. Said names are yelled out with suchContinue reading “Gladiformers: Robos Gladiadores (2007)”

Gigli (2003)

dir. Martin Brest Obviously, Gigli is disgusting. Jennifer Lopez playing a lesbian character who winds up so enamoured with Ben Affleck’s mobster charms that she turns straight for him? It’s an insult. Especially when the supposed sexy chemistry is conveyed by moments such as Lopez spreading her legs and whispering “It’s turkey time – gobbleContinue reading “Gigli (2003)”

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)

dir. Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor Sadly, Spirit of Vengeance isn’t quite as much fun as the first Ghost Rider. By this time they really embraced how utterly ludicrous the whole Ghost Rider concept is, and dial everything to 11. Exorcisms, demons, explosions – it’s all designed to be as outlandish as possible. But Nicolas Cage,Continue reading “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)”

Ghost Rider (2007)

dir. Mark Steven Johnson A man sells his soul, and technically gets his side of the bargain, but it’s underpinned with tragic consequences. He hurtles himself into a void of risk-taking and self-destruction, with his old childhood sweetheart being his only potential source of salvation. His old demons come back to haunt him, as heContinue reading “Ghost Rider (2007)”

G-Force (2009)

dir. Hoyt Yeatman G-Force is a family film about a bunch of talking guinea pigs and other animals. For something so inherently basic, it’s weirdly hard to follow. There’s intelligence operations and spy gadgets and microchips and FBI stings and computer viruses. There’s also a cackling British villain played with maximum Britishness by Bill Nighy.Continue reading “G-Force (2009)”

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

dir. Steve Miner This Friday the 13th sequel basically takes the 15-second “twist” climactic scene of the first one and makes a whole movie out of it. There’s not really even an attempt at a plot anymore. The first one at least explored a backstory and gave its killer a motive, meaning this one alreadyContinue reading “Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)”

Friday the 13th (1980)

dir. Sean S. Cunningham Friday the 13th has gathered such a massive following as a cult slasher film. Quite an impressive feat considering the total hilarity of where it all began. The teenagers being murdered one-by-one at a summer camp obviously do the classic horror thing of constantly running headfirst into danger rather than runningContinue reading “Friday the 13th (1980)”

Foodfight! (2012)

dir. Lawrence Kasanoff It’s difficult to talk about Foodfight!. It’s difficult to even think about Foodfight!. This is a serious contender for all-time most grotesque film ever made. Everything about it is completely, monstrously ugly. The animation is ugly, as though every character was specifically designed to be as repellent as possible. The sexual innuendoContinue reading “Foodfight! (2012)”

Fatal Deviation (1998)

dir. Shay Casserley, Simon Linscheid Young Jimmy finds himself in a mysterious world of martial arts tournaments and drug lords. In short, it’s an Irish kung fu movie. And it’s exactly as good as that sounds. The entire film feels like one giant blooper reel, with terrible acting and shoddy fight choreography. There’s even aContinue reading “Fatal Deviation (1998)”

Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)

dir. Cy Roth It’s pretty obvious that Cy Roth – director, producer and writer of Fire Maidens – was thrilled to be making a movie at all. Didn’t matter that the plot was nonsense and visual effects a joke – at least he was making a movie. Five astronauts, making their abundant masculinity known throughContinue reading “Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)”

Fateful Findings (2012)

dir. Neil Breen A Neil Breen classic. One of the Neil Breeniest films to ever Neil Breen, perhaps only outclassed by Twisted Pair. The plot, if it can even be called that, is about as mental as can be expected from Breen: the hero is a hacker-novelist (standard) who unearths government secrets, while also reconnectingContinue reading “Fateful Findings (2012)”

Fanaa (2006)

dir. Kunal Kohli Some pretty typical Bollywood shenanigans in this one. A blind girl falls in love with a man, and even sleeps with him, getting pregnant before marriage. Scandalous enough, but then the audience discover he is a terrorist. Then the man dies. Then Then the blind girl gets her lifelong blindness magically cured.Continue reading “Fanaa (2006)”

Baazigar (1993)

dir. Abbas-Mustan Baazigar as a film can be summarised quite well by its titular song. Kajol’s character has met Shah Rukh Khan’s character and, unaware that he’s currently in a relationship with her sister (Shilpa Shetty), indulges in a fantasy sequence about his many charms. During the song, he’s portrayed as a matador. He alsoContinue reading “Baazigar (1993)”

Falling Inn Love (2019)

dir. Roger Kumble One of those rom-coms that proudly proclaims being a city girl is inherently a soulless and terrible thing, and so all women seeking happiness need to move to “the country”. In this case it’s taken to extremes. Christina Milian plays Gabriela, who necks about three bottles of wine before entering a contestContinue reading “Falling Inn Love (2019)”

Failure to Launch (2006)

dir. Tom Dey Pretty much nothing about Failure to Launch adds up to a coherent message. It’s firmly suggested that a grown man living at home is a pathetic waste of space, but then it’s acknowledged he may have a decent reason for doing so, like grief. But then he’s encouraged to move out anyway.Continue reading “Failure to Launch (2006)”

The Emoji Movie (2017)

dir. Tony Leondis There may well have never been a more cynical, less creative conceit for a film. Phones and social media are popular, so why don’t we make emojis have their own world? The result is obviously about as shallow and one-note as, well, an emoji. Practically every line is a nudge and winkContinue reading “The Emoji Movie (2017)”

Drop Dead Fred (1991)

dir. Ate de Jong The sole trait of the character Drop Dead Fred is that he’s annoying. Unfortunately, by making Drop Dead Fred obnoxious and unlikeable, it also makes Drop Dead Fred obnoxious and unlikeable. Seems obvious, but the movie didn’t seem to realise it. Phoebe Cates plays Elizabeth, a young woman who begins seeingContinue reading “Drop Dead Fred (1991)”

Domino (2005)

dir. Tony Scott Domino thinks it’s tough. It’s pretty unabashed about it. The entire thing is saturated in lurid yellows, with strange stuttered shots and disorienting zoom-ins. Domino, a bounty hunter played by Keira Knightley because someone somewhere thought that was a good idea, struts around pouting and frowning and muttering such “deep” lines likeContinue reading “Domino (2005)”

Dog Days (2018)

dir. Ken Marino Okay, so, it’s Love Actually, but with dogs. An ensemble cast with interweaving romantic storylines – but the majority of the “interweaving” is simply that they all use the same vet. It’s a pretty lazy conceit. Obviously the characters are all bland stereotypes. Obviously there’s a creepy incel who we’re supposed toContinue reading “Dog Days (2018)”

Dirty Grandpa (2016)

dir. Dan Mazer In this veritable cesspool of obscenity, there is not a single redemptive factor to be found. The “story”, though the word affords Dirty Grandpa far more than it deserves, follows titular grandfather Richard “Dick” Kelly (played, tragically, by Robert De Niro). After his wife dies, he embarks on a doggedly zany adventure with hisContinue reading “Dirty Grandpa (2016)”

Cyberbully (2011)

dir. Charles Binamé Where to even start with Cyberbully? It demonstrably believes itself to be a feature-length PSA, one which tugs at the heartstrings and imparts a valuable lesson. That lesson? Cyberbullying is bad. The thing with Cyberbully is, as it features vapid teenagers catfishing and slinging insults on some Facebook rip-off called Cliquesters, itContinue reading “Cyberbully (2011)”

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)

dir. Sara Sugarman It’s hard to believe that this and Mean Girls came out in the same year. Two Lindsay Lohan-fronted high school comedies, yet so, so different. Confessions is a totally vapid movie, with Lohan’s drama queen protagonist swanning about calling herself pseudonyms, trying to get in with celebrities, desperate to front the schoolContinue reading “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)”

The Christmas Tree (1991)

dir. Flamarion Ferreira The Christmas Tree is, frankly, bewildering. There is just no reason for this film to exist. The story wasn’t worth telling – it’s all about some sad orphans trying to stop a tree from getting cut down, in possibly the lowest stakes of any kids’ film ever. Ostensibly none of the castContinue reading “The Christmas Tree (1991)”

The Christmas Trap / Christmas in the Heartland (2018)

dir. Harvey Lowry With its title, The Christmas Trap is pretty blatant about being a Christmas-themed rip-off of The Parent Trap. Okay, fine. Except in this film, the two main girls Kara and Jessie don’t meet at summer camp, but on a plane. And in this film, they’re not twins. They’re in fact complete andContinue reading “The Christmas Trap / Christmas in the Heartland (2018)”

Child’s Play 2 (1990)

dir. John Lafia Because, apparently, the world just demanded more Child’s Play. Through the incredibly convoluted scenario of the doll manufacturers wanting to reassure the world that the Chucky doll is safe despite all that pesky murdering it got up to, it goes and reassembles the pieces of Chucky after he was destroyed in theContinue reading “Child’s Play 2 (1990)”

Child’s Play (1988)

dir. Tom Holland It’s incredible that Child’s Play became such a famous, successful franchise, seeing as the inaugural instalment just feels like someone’s idea of a joke. The spirit of a serial killer possesses a doll, Chucky, and lives out its malevolent impulses though it. It’s dumb. Of course it’s dumb. But Child’s Play playsContinue reading “Child’s Play (1988)”

Burlesque (2010)

dir. Steven Antin So much of Burlesque, from the title to Alan Cummings’ shameless Emcee character, is obviously lifted from Cabaret. Yet it would be difficult to find a movie further away from the intelligent style and substance of Cabaret. Christina Aguilera plays Ali, a woman who perfects her burlesque performance skills seemingly by wanderingContinue reading “Burlesque (2010)”

Bride Wars (2009)

dir. Gary Winick Bride Wars is a serious contender for being the most mean-spirited film ever made. Two childhood best friends transform into shrieking manipulative banshees, wholly consumed in their hatred for one another. Why? Because they each want to be the first one to get married. This apparently justifies all manner of sabotage, includingContinue reading “Bride Wars (2009)”

Breaking Dawn (2004)

dir. Mark Edwin Robinson Not to be confused with Breaking Dawn. Ahem. This non-vampire Breaking Dawn follows a medical student exploring the murder of a mental patient’s mother. Predictably, the patient’s psychosis begins to affect the medical student, as she finds herself wondering whether the supernatural figures she starts seeing are real, or whether she’sContinue reading “Breaking Dawn (2004)”

Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

dir. Sam Firstenberg The title that launched a thousand memes. Three street dancers attempt to stop the demolition of a local community centre that the big bad establishment want to turn into that hive of greed and vice, a shopping mall. Obviously this is a standard tale of the little guy facing the man, andContinue reading “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)”

Brat: Holiday Spectacular (2018)

dir. Shannon Flynn An original Brat TV movie. Oh, okay. Brat TV is a community of teenage content creators and social media influencers, sharing videos and shows through YouTube. Their Holiday Spectacular features all their generic, vapid faces, running around a mall at Christmas time and engaging in the most insipid “inspirational” storylines imaginable. ThinkContinue reading “Brat: Holiday Spectacular (2018)”

Blind Dating / Blind Guy Driving (2006)

dir. James Keach Blind Dating is, frankly, offensive. It’s just offensive. You’d think there’d be something of value in a movie centring a disabled character and exploring an interracial romance, but, well, there is not. Chris Pine’s Danny is a man, blind from birth, who’s mocked by his peers for being a virgin at 22.Continue reading “Blind Dating / Blind Guy Driving (2006)”

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)

dir. James Nguyen Sequel to the incomparable Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Birdemic 2 is still pretty enjoyable in its own right. Not least because it’s basically the same film over again. The same characters, the same terrible acting and awkward dialogue, shortly plagued by the same killer birds again. This time it’s caused by acidContinue reading “Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)”

Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2018)

dir. Raja Gosnell It’s called Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Does it even sound like it’s going to attempt to be a good movie? Most of the movie isn’t even set in Beverly Hills – the titular chihuahua gets dognapped in Mexico, and spends the movie trying to get back home. She contends with an evil Doberman,Continue reading “Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2018)”

Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 (2017)

dir. Justin MacGregor Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 is quite, quite mad. It was always going to be. It’s the first time Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero starred in a movie together, 15 years after The Room. Sestero plays a homeless drifter who meets a peculiar mortician – played by Tommy Wiseau, he sort of looksContinue reading “Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 (2017)”

Best F(r)iends: Volume 2 (2018)

dir. Justin MacGregor Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 manages to strike the right tone between compelling and offputtingly insane. Unfortunately, Volume 2 begins veering more decisively towards the latter. Greg Sestero spends much of it frowning or staring vacantly, as deception after deception by the people around him is unveiled. Turns out he perhaps should haveContinue reading “Best F(r)iends: Volume 2 (2018)”

Beauty and the Briefcase (2010)

dir. Gil Junger Pretty standard tale of a woman growing close to a man under false pretences, only to realise that real feelings are blooming. This time, Hilary Duff plays an aspiring fashion journalist, who sort of falls into a job at a faceless corporate enterprise. Her intention is to date businessmen, presumably to padContinue reading “Beauty and the Briefcase (2010)”

Beautiful Creatures (2013)

dir. Richard LaGravenese Beautiful Creatures feels a bit like an extended music video for some vacuous gothic pop band. Quite obviously trying to continue the Twilight tradition of a love story affected by a family’s supernatural leanings, Beautiful Creatures is more preoccupied with its characters’ swooshy dresses and histrionic posing than with trying to presentContinue reading “Beautiful Creatures (2013)”

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

dir. Zack Snyder It’s boring. It’s just excruciatingly boring. Dawn of Justice takes DC’s biggest superheroes and makes them scowl and snarl at each other under dark cloudy skies. For two and a half hours. Neither Ben Affleck as Batman nor Henry Cavill as Superman seem as though they remotely want to be there –Continue reading “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)”

BASEketball (1998)

dir. David Zucker BASEketball is a bizarre entity. South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone star as two best friends who create a weird fusion sport, BASEketball, which involves no sporting prowess to win whatsoever. It grows into a major league sport, but naturally the duo’s friendship suffers in the face of success. BASEketballContinue reading “BASEketball (1998)”

Bad Teacher (2011)

dir. Jake Kasdan Bad Teacher stars Cameron Diaz as Elizabeth, a terrible middle school teacher who routinely ignores her class and is more focused on raising money to get herself breast implants. It’s supposed to be funny, because she’s ever such an incorrigible rascal, but it’s just infuriating. She behaves like a selfish brat, whichContinue reading “Bad Teacher (2011)”

A Bad Moms Christmas (2017)

dir. Jon Lucas, Scott Moore Sequel to Bad Moms, A Bad Moms Christmas takes everything that was terrible about the first one, increases it tenfold, and makes it Christmas time. This time, our trio of “rebellious” mothers have their own mothers to contend with. Christine Baranski plays an uptight perfectionist who cares more about herContinue reading “A Bad Moms Christmas (2017)”

Ax ‘Em / The Weekend It Lives (1992)

dir. Michael Mfume Ax ‘Em is basically a home movie. Anyone can see that. Surprising no one, the director Michael Mfume is also the writer, producer and main star. It has neither the budget nor the acting prowess of a real film. It’s quite clearly done for love rather than for money, though. It’s aContinue reading “Ax ‘Em / The Weekend It Lives (1992)”

Sherlock Holmes (2010)

dir. Rachel Lee Goldenberg Sherlock Holmes is an adaptation of the classic sleuth mysteries, this time made by The Asylum. The very same production house behind classics like Sharknado and Age of the Hobbits as well as such mockbusters as Sunday School Musical. Naturally, this version of Sherlock Holmes contains all the effort and careContinue reading “Sherlock Holmes (2010)”

Annabelle Hooper and the Ghosts of Nantucket (2016)

dir. Paul Serafini Terrible title, terrible movie. Annabelle Hooper follows the eponymous heroine, who embodies a weird synthesis of Harriet the Spy with the Scooby Doo gang. She and her friends – all of whom quite honestly look exactly the same: white and generically good-looking – must unravel schemes of theft and ghostly conspiracies toContinue reading “Annabelle Hooper and the Ghosts of Nantucket (2016)”

American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002)

dir. Morgan J. Freeman The sequel that nobody on the planet ever asked for, American Psycho II asks the all-important questions: “What if Patrick Bateman of American Psycho got foiled by a 12-year-old girl? What if that 12-year-old grew up to be Mila Kunis? What if Mila Kunis was a sociopath herself and is obsessedContinue reading “American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002)”

All About Steve (2009)

dir. Phil Traill All About Steve stars Sandra Bullock as the frankly unhinged protagonist, Mary. The movie tries to paint her as an immature but misunderstood loner, who just longs for someone to love. Therefore, her rapid descent into full-on harassment and stalking is meant to be a charming personality quirk, rather than a reasonContinue reading “All About Steve (2009)”

Age of the Hobbits / Clash of the Empires / Lord of the Elves (2013)

dir. Joseph Lawson It doesn’t even really know what its own title is, beyond being sure it wants to be some form of Lord of the Rings / The Hobbit rip-off that might bamboozle innocent viewers into thinking it’s the real thing. It even got a restraining order, prohibiting it from being released alongside TheContinue reading “Age of the Hobbits / Clash of the Empires / Lord of the Elves (2013)”

Albion: The Enchanted Stallion (2016)

dir. Castille Landon The first thing to realise about Albion: The Enchanted Stallion is that the enchanted stallion’s name isn’t Albion. Albion is actually the name of the magical fantasy realm our young heroine is transported to, via said enchanted stallion. Beyond this the enchanted stallion actually doesn’t do very much at all, despite whatContinue reading “Albion: The Enchanted Stallion (2016)”

After Earth (2011)

dir. M. Night Shyamalan Although most of the promotion for After Earth desperately tried to conceal that it’s helmed by M. Night Shyamalan, the ruse fails immediately upon simply watching the movie. It so obviously embodies the worst of Shymalan: awkward close-ups, contrived plotting, characters so pretentious they refuse to ever speak in contractions. WillContinue reading “After Earth (2011)”

The Accidental Husband (2008)

dir. Griffin Dunne An uptight, meticulous woman (Uma Thurman) finds her life thrown off orbit by a good-looking but oh-so-unorthodox man (Jeffrey Dean Morgan). He’s just so wrong for her. Or is he…?! The Accidental Husband has the essential foundation of pretty much every rom-com ever. This one leans heavy into the clichés, including aContinue reading “The Accidental Husband (2008)”

A Snow Globe Christmas (2013)

dir. Jodi Binstock One of the two, entirely separate “Christina Milian stars in a movie where a woman gets stuck in a snow globe” movies, the other being Snowglobe. Clearly, six years after Snowglobe, Christina Milian just hadn’t had her fill of snow globe themed shenanigans. This time she plays an angel, who bewitches workaholicContinue reading “A Snow Globe Christmas (2013)”

A Dangerous Method (2011)

dir. David Cronenberg Such an intriguing premise, yet such an idiotic film. A Dangerous Method explores the relationship between Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, and Sabina Spielrein. Whilst Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen turn in solid performances as the former two, any of Keira Knightley’s efforts as Spielrein are kind of lost in her dreadful RussianContinue reading “A Dangerous Method (2011)”

1313: Giant Killer Bees (2011)

dir. David DeCoteau This is but one of David DeCoteau’s inexplicable 1313 series. The key theme of all the 1313 movies? Young, sculpted, half-naked men. The men shower. The men swim. The men just walk around undressed for no reason at all. Basically, the 1313 films are soft, soft, softcore gay porn masquerading as legitimateContinue reading “1313: Giant Killer Bees (2011)”

Fifty Shades of Grey

dir. Sam Taylor-Johnson Everyone already knows how awful Fifty Shades of Grey is. The book; the movie franchise; even the franchise it was based off, Twilight. It’s terrible. This inaugural cinematic instalment is just as stupid, just as manipulative, just as pathetic as everything else with the Fifty Shades label on it. Dakota Johnson playsContinue reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”

3rd World Cops / Fuerzas Especiales (2014)

dir. José Miguel Zúñiga The two main stars of 3rd World Cops are successful Chilean comedians, who made their name through sketch shows. It shows, as 3rd World Cops is less a movie and more an incoherent collection of random scenes. The lines are drawn fairly quickly: on one side there’s the dim-witted but good-heartedContinue reading “3rd World Cops / Fuerzas Especiales (2014)”

3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)

dir. Sean McNamara The fourth, and mercifully final, of the 3 Ninjas series, preceded by 3 Ninjas, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, and 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up. God only knows what terrible sins we committed as a society to be punished with living in a world where four of these exist. Credit where credit’s due, though,Continue reading “3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)”

3 Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995)

dir. Shin Sang-ok The third of the 3 Ninjas films, preceded by 3 Ninjas and 3 Ninjas Kick Back, and followed by 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. Rather disarmingly, this film was filmed alongside the first one in 1992, but released three years later – meaning the cast consists of the three originalContinue reading “3 Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995)”

3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994)

dir. Charles T. Kanganis The second 3 Ninjas film, preceded by 3 Ninjas, and followed by 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. This one sees our annoying three little boys return, although two of the actors are replaced. Their ninja grandpa also returns, although his name has been changedContinue reading “3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994)”

Troll 2 (1990)

dir. Claudio Fragasso Troll 2 is utterly delightful. It’s purportedly a sequel to Troll, obviously, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with it. There aren’t even trolls in this movie. That’s only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Troll 2’s total insanity. The main character is a little boy called Joshua,Continue reading “Troll 2 (1990)”

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

dir. James Nguyen Birdemic genuinely has to be seen to be believed. It just can’t be described in mere words. Its shoddy filming, which includes a long opening credits scene where someone has seemingly set their camera on their car dashboard and just driven around for a bit. Its stilted acting, such as the mainContinue reading “Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)”